The Great Euro Adventure Map

May 22nd.

The adventure begins.

Waltzing with Closet Skeletons

Beth and I were polishing off the last few pieces of the pizza we had made together earlier that evening.

We were on my living room couch and her legs were draped over my lap. I shoved the last piece of pizza in my mouth when Beth asked me, "So tell me the story about Lynn."

My mouth swung open a like a trapdoor and I'm sure a few crumbs tumbled onto my shirt. Soon after, a smile came across my face, "Are you sure?"

"Wait," she said, jumping off the couch and heading toward the fridge, "I'm going to need some wine for this one."

Beth returned with a glass and a bottle of wine. She immediately poured herself a healthy amount. Girl was all business.

So I did. I told her my story, from start to finish. Beth sat and listened tentatively, refilling her glass when it was empty. But, I'm not shy about discussing my past regarding my first real relationship (needless to say), but she was a real trooper to sit through it all.

When I finished my story, I figured it was only fair to quid pro quo the situation. I wanted to know about her history of relationships.

So@24: So what about you? What was the story about your first love?
Beth: Meh. We don't need to talk about it. Trust me, it's not worth discussing.
So@24: Hahahaha. Come on! I told you mine! It's only fair!

Beth's signature smile faded and her lips transformed to a thin line. The bottle of wine was now empty (good girl!) and she gulped the remainder in her glass.

Beth: No. Really. I don't like to talk about it. Some other time though, I promise.

I definitely was taken aback by Beth's stern reaction. Every interaction I have had with her thus far was all fun & games. One of the most carefree, jovial, relaxed persons I have had the fortune of coming across thus far. We really hadn't had a "serious" conversation at this point.

But me playfully trying to get Beth to talk about her ex was like when you rough-housed with that one really cool babysitter, only to take things too far and the babysitter suddenly breaks character and says, "No, seriously. Quit it. I mean it." It really throws you for a loop.

I knew that it wasn't my place to push the issue further, but a part of me couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. What was making this natural Ferris Bueller turn to Ben Stein?

Why couldn't this girl discuss her ex? Why couldn't this completely open, down-to-earth girl tell me the back story of her ex? This wasn't like her.

I have no frame of reference for this type of situation and it's hard for me to relate to. I mean, I have no problem discussing my past relationship (coming from someone who created an public domain based on it) and so I always forget that most people don't have the fortune of still being friends with their ex. Or at least of having it not end on extremely devastating terms.

But still, I can't deny the fact that I was a little thrown off by this. I mean, what was there to hide? The a variety of absurd scenarios flashed through my mind and they got more ridiculous at I allowed my imagination run wild:

"He's actually a distant cousin. But I honestly didn't know at the time."
"I kept his eyelids in a mason jar. But it wasn't a big deal as the courts made it out to be."
"Long story, but he's the reason I have a peg leg. See?"

I feel like if there's a strong potential for a girl to be around for the long run, she should be forced to give this information up, right? I mean, it's like when you buy a potential car... you always demand to see the history to determine the Blue Book value, right? I should know how many times this car visited a mechanic and for what reasons!

I guess I have a theory that past relationships tells a lot about who a person is today. It really shapes you and molds you.

Or maybe that is just me.

I'm exaggerating my concern for comedic effect, but I'd be lying if I didn't raise an eyebrow about the conversation (or lack thereof). But I'm fine with waiting for her to tell me when she's comfortable and ready to do so.

Because really, who wants to force this thing out of someone? It'll come naturally.

I just hope she doesn't have a peg leg. Or at the very least, scurvy.

Slaying the Dragon

I recall a conversation Leo and I had a little over a year ago when I had to make a quick stop at the bank to make a deposit. We were discussing blogs that we both read and a recent trend we had noticed:

Once a blogger (who was single) found themselves married or in a relationship, their blog suddenly became... well, shitty. The entries that suddenly turned sappy, gushy, and shouted to the world how "perfect" their lives were. I'm almost positive that everyone can think of a once-favorite blogs that have followed down this path. They once had great stories and theories of the opposite sex... now they are just bullet pointed lists of what Netflix movies they plan on watching with their "hubby" that Friday night.

Leo and I tried to theorize why we thought this was. And we agreed on this: a great story always has a conflict. Once that central challenge is gone, the story is over. As much as we root for our hero, the real joy comes in seeing the hero overcome obstacles and struggle to achieve something greater.

Leo: So what are you going to do when you find that next girl?
So@24: Fuck. I don't know. I guess I haven't thought that far ahead.

* * *

The last few weeks have been an intense whirl wind of "whatthefuckisgoingon". Dizzying, exciting highs and extreme patches of confusion. A lot of emotions coming at me all at once like the furious jabs of Great Tiger in Mike Tyson's Punch Out!

Damn you Mirage Dance!

I needed some time to unbend a paper clip and reset my brain's alarm clock. To take a breather and evaluate shit.

And in these past few days, I've thought back to the conversation that Leo and I had long ago and how it might apply now. This isn't to say that I'm married, that I've found that "next girl", or even in a definitive "relationship".

But my time with Beth has been something that I haven't experienced in years and instead of over-analyzing everything to death, I've made a pledge to myself to just enjoy it for what it is at the moment. It is, what it is.

As I said before, when I started this blog, I was in a place where I actually thought I'd never get to experience certain things ever again with anyone. Probably an irrational fear, but one that felt very real at the time.

When you find yourself suddenly completely separated from someone after 6 years, you think that no one else is going to laugh at your lame jokes (I totally get it now Mark Hoppus!), to accept your fucking bizarre quirks... and to just overall "get you".

There are things that I considered sacred between Lynn and me. It was scary and extremely difficult to imagine that I might do/experience these things with someone else. Little things. Reaching over to turn off the lamp on your night stand and to have someone right there next to you, or reaching over to pick food off the person's plate and not thinking twice about it (and vice versa), or to pick up groceries to sustain both of you for an entire weekend.

But to my pleasant surprise, everything came naturally.

One night, Beth asked me to tell her about Lynn and what really led to our demise. I took a breath and laid it out for her. Like a trooper, she sat and listened to me spew my tale and guzzled a bottle of wine in the process. You gotta respect a girl who seeks out that knowledge and takes it like a champ. With booze. Yessssssssss.

I don't know what is going to happen with Beth. But what I know now is that what I once was terrified of, I don't have to be anymore. I can't put that kind of relief into words.

And I guess that's where we come full circle to what happens with this blog now. I've been struggling as to how to write now. My fears have been slain like some fairytale dragon. I started this blog as a means for guys in my similar position (and really, for myself) to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that there is nothing to be scared of. I've proven to myself and others that, there isn't.

So now what?

I need some time to think about where I go from here.

eTumbleweed.

"So where does the blog go now? It seems your central conflict has been resolved."

- Jack

The ol' eTumbleweed has blown across 'round these here parts for the past week.

There's an explanation for that, I promise. And you'll get it soon enough.



Stay tuned.

Unforeseen Consequences

My best friend and old roommate Leo, doesn't like to guest post often. I'll ask him on occasion to write something for me when I suffer some serious writer's blog (see what I did there?). Most of the time, he'll graciously decline, saying that the blog is my palate in which to paint my own story and thoughts on dating.

But he's been known to come out of the wood works to give his two cents every now and then.

It wasn't a huge surprise when he had asked me if he could write his thoughts on some recent events.

How could I resist such an offer? Especially since so many readers have asked for it as of late.

So let's get right to it.

Enjoy!
So@24

* * *

Hello my darlings.

So has been in recovery since the events of last weekend, so I'm taking a moment away from dabbing his pallid brow with a damp cloth to post a little something. Dear boy hates to neglect his readers.

As we all know, So recently ended what can only be described as an absolutely titanic dry spell. For context, the last time he had sex, Anna Nicole Smith was alive, no one had heard of a dude named Barack, and our solar system had an extra planet. Yep. You can literally measure his abstinence on a cosmic scale.

And as we all know, this all came to a rapturous end (cue glorious choral music, montage of time-lapse rose blooming, rocket blasting off, train going into tunnel, Old Faithful, fireworks). Jack and I rejoiced. We had coaxed and coached for, well, years. And now we relished the catharsis.

So@24: Should I really be sharing details with you guys?
Jack: I puked in a bag for you. And Leo kissed a dude. You owe us.
So@24: So I had sex this weekend. A lot.
Leo: -wipes single tear of joy-
Jack: like it's the end of Return of the Jedi and So is Luke all partying with Ewoks and whatnot, and you and I are like the ghosts of Obi Won and Yoda that appear beside the campfire nodding approvingly.
So@24: HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA
Leo: -sigh-
Jack: -wistful sigh-
So: I can't believe after all this time, I can finally join you guys in locker room banter. It's like I've been back into the Forbidden City. I'm like that kid who finally got his Super Nintendo after all the kids in the neighborhood have had it for years.
Jack: Well ours are broken apparently, so looks like we'll be playing at your house.

[Beat]

Leo: I need to have sex.
Jack: Seconded.



We were happy. But this victory was to be bittersweet, and Jack and I were its foreshadowing. You see, So has not yet grasped the consequences of his actions. As the dude who invented those fig cookies wrote, for every action there is a reaction. For every Yin there exists a Yang. Where there is light, so must there be shadow. And oh, what a beastly shadow it is. It's name?

No Sex.

We've all been there. You're coasting along, enjoying healthy sexual endeavors, then one day they cease... and a terrible terrible fiend fills the void. It strikes in the loins and lingers, slowly eating away at your standards, judgment, and resolve. Left untreated, it only grows, consuming your thoughts and making you send inadvisable texts. And sex? Sex is merely a temporary treatment... Beastie will lurk, dormant, until it's time to rise again.

It's a burden that comes with the blessing. So had the blessing. But in resetting his coital switch, he's awoken this succubus once more.


And mark my words... one night a week or two from now, he'll be tossing and turning in bed, trying to figure out the source of his restlessness. Suddenly he'll realize it. His eyes will snap open and he'll whisper the tragic truth...

"I need to have sex."

Unfortunately there's nothing we can do for him. He and his lovely share a geographic disparity that makes regular boinking impossible. And so I welcome him into the ranks of The Infected*.

Godspeed, my friend. It's going to be a bitch.








*If you get the L4D ref, you're rad. Also, a nerd.
**If you got the title's HL2 ref, you're really rad. Also, a nerd to the point of it being kind of sad.

Welcome Back.

Clouds parted.

The sun cut through the thin layer of dust on my bedroom window panes.

I leaped from my bed, threw open the shutters.

Two little bluebirds fluttered in and I sang a very cliche' Disney-esque song as I raised my arms as they put a robe on me.

Also, a unicorn served me breakfast.

Yes.

I had sex.

I'm going to say that again for all the skimmers and also because it bears repeating.

I had sex.

Let me backtrack a bit and explain how this came to be.

* * *

A quote from my best friend Leo is an appropriate way to start things off:

Leo: Where do people meet people? Everyone is in a fucking relationship... I'd like to see the sociological stats/bar graph on where people meet. At least for our age.

I complain about this constantly. It's really fucking hard to meet people, especially if there aren't any prospects at the job and you don't have any help from your friends trying to set you up.

Despite popular belief, I didn't create this blog to meet girls. But as time went on, well... it was almost inevitable. I mean, there are some pretty brilliant fucking people in the blogosphere and a girl that is witty in writing is going to get an eyebrow raise. They just kind of happen.

How Bloggy Romance Works:
A Universal (and fucking toolish) Flow Chart

Read blogs > Comment exchanges > Emails > Gchats > Social Networking Access (to judge/stalk photos) > Phone number exchange > Phone calls > Meet up

That is how I met Beth.

Beth, unfortunately, shares the same name as another alias I had in my past. But, well, what can I do? It has been written.

* * *

After the natural progression of things, Beth booked a ticket to fly out to stay with me for a weekend. Shit like this doesn't scare me or intimidate me; a girl who is willing to take a leap with you and do something so incredibly insane/spontaneous is a good sign in my book. It means she's just as into you as you are of her.

I was incredibly nervous. Not to meet Beth. There wasn't any surprises from my end; she's just as funny, cute, and smart as I thought she would be. But my real fear was the anticipation of having a girl stay over at my place for an entire weekend.

Shit I Had Forgotten About But That Make Up "The Good Stuff"

• Walking out of the shower to find a girl laying on top of your bed in a messy ponytail, wearing your t-shirt and in her undies checking her email from a laptop
• Seeing multi-colored bottles of shampoo/body wash in your shower
• Girl smell lingering on your pathetic pillows
• Grocery shopping with a girl on your arm
• Have a girl legitimately laugh at all your shitty attempts as jokes

And I don't mean to always "wax nostalgia" about my ex girlfriend Lynn all the time, but it's really the only thing I can compare things too.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't knocked back a few times during the weekend when things like what I just listed above didn't bitch slap me. Weird flash backs of snapshot-polaroid-esque memories I had of Lynn. Like someone reeling back and smacking a fire extinguisher across my dome.

It's embarrassing to admit, but if I'm going to be honest here... it happens. The main reason being: I thought that I'd never be able to have these experiences (see: bullet points above) with someone else.

It's nice to know that it actually is possible, because it's a very real fear (during that period of your life) to think that it can't ever happen again. I have the weekend to prove it. So... to all the So@24s circa 2007... take note.


I had some encouragement from my friends along the way:

Maxie's chart:



And, of course, what would a landmark So@24 post be without a great 3-way gchat convo between Leo, Jack and myself? Look at how much respect I get from these guys:

Leo: I can't even imagine you having sex. I'm actually trying, bizarrely enough. It just comes out wrong.
Leo: Like an Escher illustration. Looks okay, but something's definitely going on that isn't quite right.
Jack: I tried and it was like a confusing cartoon. But with old Batman sound effects.
Leo: And the occasional clown horn.

She Arrives Today.

Thanks chubby kid from the Disneyland commercial...

I couldn't have said it better myself.