Classic fucking Maxie:
"So hopefully you get it before you go on your excursion to pay for sex. do some blow for me. too bad you didn't get to grow your pinky nail out in time.
the post is about sex instead of relationships b/c i dont do relationships so if you don't want to use it just let me know and i'll post it on my blog.
have fun and don't sleep with any trannys! as you would say xoxo <3>
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Delicious!
While SO@24 is off taking over Europe, he asked me to entertain y'all. That's a lie. I told him that I was sending him a guest post and he had to put it up whether he wanted to or not.
My name is maxie and I write pretty much the coolest blog ever-- i hate so much . Since sex has been so freakin absent from this blog, I decided I would spice it up a little bit and tell you about the worst sex I've ever had. Take note boys, this is what NOT to do.
In high school I was one of those BAs (thats bad asses if you're not in the know) disguised as a goody two shoes. For some reason my parents trusted me and would let me have free reign on the weekends. My junior year I scored an older friend who had his own house and his own booze.
He was always pretty responsible and would cut me off after a few beers, but one night I managed to sneak into the corner with his friend who kept giving me beer after beer. (natty light = i'm classy)
One thing led to another, and I was promising parts of my body for just one more beer. You remember before you were 21 and you got to that point where there was no such thing as too much alcohol? I was totally there and somehow I convinced my corner buddy I'd bone him for a 6 pack. Like I said, CLASS.
We hopped into his car, but because we were both drunk we didn't want to drive very far. The only place nearby that was a little secluded was a church parking lot. He drove up the hill and we got down to business. Now I was young but I had been around the block a little and I knew something was WRONG. The dude was sticking it in and then making these weird circular motions instead of well...thrusting. Imagine a soft serve machine swirling around and around.
About halfway after filling up the double scoop he stopped and I was pretty pumped because I thought it was over. I had done my deed and it was time to get my beer. Boy was I wrong.
I looked up to a light shining in the window. I started to freak out a little because 1) I was naked and 2) I was underage and drunk. I saw my freedoms flash in front of my eyes and imagined the cop taking me off to the county jail. When I threw on my clothes I realized it wasn't a cop at all...it was a priest. He lived beside the church and noticed a strange car in the parking lot.
Instead of calling the authorities he had our friend come pick us up and gave us a very long lecture about pre-marital sex and underage drinking. After giving me a few "come to jesus" pamphlets he sent us on our way.
I guess the moral of the story is:
- Don't have sex in a church parking lot.
- Don't trade sex for beer
But if you're going to do either of the above, at least make sure it's good.
40 comments:
this girl is so cool.
dudette. i STILL can't read that part about soft serve swirl sex without unconsciously doing the motions.
....
and then i laugh
a lot
obviously I'm going bananas.
omg, this totally brought back repressed memories for me... I remember a guy who did the soft swirl sex. I don't remember which one it was, but I do remember wondering wtf he was doing.
Hahaha, well, some soft-serve motion can be good, no? Like for 15seconds, maybe 30. lol
Poor idiot, he obviously didn't know you had high standards, lol. I kid, I kid.
Damn good entertainment while SO is out exploring the world and its worldy ways.
I think that boy was taking the word "screw" a bit literally.
Wow that had to be some experience.
LOL this is quite the story Maxie!
Wait--was this in a sugar cone or a waffle cone?
Maybe I missed the point.
We used to go to the church parking lot too... This is essentially my worst nightmare!
I'm desperate to ask this dude what the soft swerve was all about....do you still have his number...or even better, is he on Facebook??
Was it his first time? I think it must have been. And what a way to lose it!!
Also, I'm with Deutlich. I may have to try this move tonight. Although I'm a girl, so it might actually be good.
Oh nooo, not swirly sex. ICK.
I've done the church parking lot, too - thankfully without the interruption by the priest.
OMG Maxie I so totally enjoyed this story. And I'll never be able to remove the image of soft swirl ice-cream from my mind.
Oh I totally loved how he took matters into his own hands.
If that's as bad as your sex life has ever got... you're a vanilla girl, Maxie :P
'Come for Jesus' would've been more apt.
"But if you're going to do either of the above, at least make sure it's good."
The sex or the beer? Oh wait, you were 16 so I guess the answer is no on both counts.
There is a special place in hell carved out for you maxie pad.
Maxie- You are SO right.
Deutlich- As if you going bananas is a new thing.
liferehab- Thank god someone understands.
Aritza- This was NOT good. And I swear it was the whole time...I mean I was drunk so I'm not sure how long it lasted, but it was way longer than 15 or 30 seconds.
Dani- YES. Maybe he was just confused by the terminology.
jwriter- yes, yes it was.
Far- I'm here to entertain :-)
lacochran- Waffle...cause it was kind of pointy.
Jen- If it makes you feel any better I did it many times before and after that. This was the only time I got caught.
jen - tsk- He's married now. Maybe we should ask his wife if he still does it.
Racquel Valencia- Definitely not. He was like 20 at the time and I know other girls he's been with. maybe I should check and see if he did the same thing.
Lace- ICK is right.
Liebchen- Why are churches such popular sexlands for teenagers?
sid- I have obviously ruined soft serve for you for the rest of your life.
Dmbosstone- the priest or swirly mcsoftserve?
Sebastian- Oh this is tame. One time a guy accidentally pooed on me.
restaurant refugee- the sex. If the sex is good I can deal with shitty beer.
Matt- I'll see you there.
so you promised sex for Natty Light AND had sex in a church parking lot?? OMG, I love you!
Im sort of assuming Maxie is a girl, right?
Great story!!
Maxie, this is why I love you so very, very much.
I want to hang out with you...just not in a church parking lot.
And I would totally give you beer and you wouldn't have to have sex with me.
wow, this girl is so cool
I just came back to say, it is a good thing that the people supplying me with beer and liquor when I was underage were just willing to take cash because, otherwise, my stories might have been more horrific than a swirl...
I think that I would have much rather been picked up by the cops than lectured about sex by a priest.
I could say a billion things but I dont like to start trouble.
I could say something about having sex in a graveyard but I won't....
was it chocolate or vanilla flavored soft serve?
That would make me die.
Yet intrigued.
Yet horny.
LMAO I'll look for a guy to do it with me somewhere as interesting and prohibited.
Oh no...soft serve. Ick. That would freak me out.
Actually, flaccid penises freak me out.
And I agree with Deutlich. I can't read it without doing the motions. Then people stare at me.
OMG!!! Wow! Great story to bad the guy wasn't better! lol
how mortifying!!!
that's all I can say...
you really should not joke with titles like "When the Cat's Away" when your blogger friend tktc is posting relentlessly about her beloved cat having vanished one week ago. talk about insensitive.
The soft swirl analogy was fucking amazing and hilarious. I had sex in a church parking lot one time. It was the closest I've ever gotten to God.
JoLee- Thee offer still stands if you're interested.
Electric Eclectic- Yes indeed I am a girl. Although butt swirling may be better than vag swirling.
Kristen- But what if I WANT to have sex with you.
miss .chief- you are the smartest person I've ever e-met.
Dani- Good for you, a shame for us. The stories would be epic!
Fizzgig- Don't fight it! Go with your urge. You're in the circle of trust.
Serena- YOU ARE MY HERO.
Alexa- Vanilla. Very vanilla.
Andhari- Oh lord, I hope I haven't started a new sex trend.
Shine- Don't worry, *it* wasn't soft. Just the motion.
E- It's been years-- hopefully he's learned by now.
P- Yes, yes it was.
Anon- I'm really sorry to hear about TKTC's kitty. I'm a huge cat lover and I really hope things work out for her.
BWP- Tell me all your thoughts on god. What if God was one of us?
hahaha!
i remember this older guy i dated .. put it in and wouldn't move. told me NOT TO MOVE. after 2 minutes of just lying there with a penis in me, i finally moved my hips and BAM! done.
the. worst. sex. ever.
well...I guess that's what u get when u trade sex for beer?? Please don't tell me it was a cheap 6 pack!
And when you do get caught, ask the priest for a threesome!
a-mazing. tucker max - female version.
What if we've already had sex in a church parking lot? Ha.
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