Durrrrrrrrrrrr.
My personal philosophy on this (and I'm well aware that a majority won't agree with me) if that if you're going to truly and genuinely be friends with an ex, you have to be prepared for everything that comes with it. That means, at some point, you're going to have to be "down" with meeting his/her significant other.
And while there is no strict time line of when these things come about, but if you're going to be friends, they should at least be blips on the radar.
Not too long ago, when my little brother was visiting, Lynn asked if we wanted to go out with her and her friends.
She doesn't live close. And if we're going out on the town and drinking, I'd need a place to
The days of me pressing my nose up against the window pane, waiting for Lynn to come running back to me are long gone. But I had to take a moment to really ask myself: what's the worst that could happen in this scenario?
- First time meeting the ex's new boyf
- Drinking a lot of booze
- Forced to stay the night at the ex's place
But who knows how one is going to react if there is booze flowing. And to sit there across the bar and see your ex be all coupley (sitting on laps, hand holding, shit like that) while I'm sipping a low ball trying to plaster a smile on my face doesn't seem appealing. Furthermore, I don't want to ask them to alter their behavior just because of my presence, but at the same time... who wants to subject themselves to that?
This goes with the sleeping scenario as well. I imagine myself drunk as fuck, squirming to get comfortable on the living room couch with my legs hanging over the side in a hilarious cartoony fashion in one of those worthless guest blankets far too small for even my body. And then knowing that upstairs, only a few feet away from my head, my ex is drunk jamming down.
fdifdofdbncjsabc fbe
Point is, they SHOULD be able to do this if they wanted to, I just wouldn't feel right if they changed their normal routine because "it'd be weird if So@24 is here...". I wouldn't feel right asking that, but at the same time... I'd be lying if I said I was eager to experience my vivid scenarios.
See what I mean?
I'll be ready to party and have drinks with Lynn. There's no doubt I'll shake the hand of Lynn's boyfriend and buy him a pint. Hell, we might even karaoke a song together. I'm thinking we could do Ray Steven's "Mississippi Squirrel Revival"
But when do you know you're really ready to face all that?
61 comments:
it's not so much about being ready as just having to do it if you are bent on staying friends...
but if you can do it and its ok.. then you are really truly friends.. if not.. well.. there you go!
This is something I don't really look forward to when dealing with serious exes, especially with the rough past lol but i'm down being friends with other ones..who didn't give me that much heartache maybe, the more casual ones..
On paper (or email, FB, txt etc) I'm pretty good at being friends with ex's...but in reality I struggle with the "new significant other" scenarios....if you can do it, you're a better man than me...which isn't actually that difficult....because I'm a girl!
I know what you mean. I have tried and its very tough.
I hear ya. I've just split up with my boyfriend of almost five years and though we're trying to be friends it's difficult to know where the boundaries are. when they ask 'how are you?' should you be honest with them or simply retort with the standard answer of 'I'm good thanks how are you?' when clearly things aren't good at all. Difficult decision to make isn't it?!
My ex solved the problem for me.
We would have friendly e-mail banter once in awhile, and last time, he just never answered.
So, there goes that.
Oh SO, it sucks. Even if it's on purpose.
A few years ago, I walked into a bar by myself, ready to get a few drinks and hang out. As soon as I paid the cover and turned the corner, I saw my ex-husband standing there with some girls tongue down this throat.
I proceeded to stay double fisted for the rest of the night. As I was waiting for my taxi outside, I saw her putting her overnight bag in his car. I think I threw up on the curb.
It's obvious now isn't the time to face it.
You can only do all those things when you are able to take your own guest along. Someone you can "bone" in the middle of the night on Lynn's couch.
It doesn't sound like you are completely over her either.
Get a hotel room or don't drink so that you can go home. There comes a time where you need to be responsible and this may be one of those times.
What is more important? Spending time with Lynn and new guy or drinking and stressing about what might be. Go home to your own bed or a hotel room and all of your worries and fantasies will be adverted.
Yeah, it really sucks. I've been divorced for 8 years - I got married @21 and we were seperated 2 years later - and I STILL don't want to meet the ex's new woman/women. Blech. Just the thought of it makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
You know when you're ready to face it if the idea of meeting her significant other doesn't faze you at all.
I know this has next to nothing to do with the point of your post, but I just wanted to say how glad I am that you referenced Ray Stevens' Squirrel Revival. That was the song that my dad made me listen to during an MRI I had done for my knee, and ever since, I've loved that song (and video!).
I find it hard to believe anyone is ever "ready" to face those kind of things.
That being said, I think this situation is just like taking off a band-aid. If you do it slow and drag it out, you'll feel it more...if you get over the "pain" (for lack of a better word) and rip it off, you'll find it's not going to be as bad as you originally imagined.
Good luck!
I was forced to meet my high school/college ex's new girlfriend once, it wouldn't have been strange if she hadn't been a replica of me. And she was clueless that I was his big ex, so all this weird tension was floating around but it was never addressed.
The epitome of the Elephant in the room.
My experience has been that I've been "ready" once I had someone to snoodle. Not in the competition sort of way. Heck, they don't even have to be there. It's just easier to see them snuggle and think of the person I get to snuggle with than watching them and remember our past.
Ugghhh! Uggggghhhh!!!! This is specifically the reason I am unable to be friends with any ex of mine, so far. It's too hard to see "him" with someone new. Maybe that makes me sound loony-bird, but at one time he was holding my hand, I was the one sitting on his lap, he was buying me drinks, he was taking me home, etc. You get so, SO intimate with someone, and when they are able to do that with someone else (even when you are too), it hurts (maybe it's just me). So, as far as how do you know when you're ready?! I have NO idea. Maybe you won't know until you're in the thick of it, which is balls because then you have to deal with it if you're not ready, infront of that whole crowd. You and Lynn are far more mature than me and any ex of mine because despite best intentions (of being friends after breakup), it never happens.
Thats why I pretend all my ex bf have died when its over. I don't do the hang out with the new gf. Plus girls are bitches to other girls. true fact.
Or you could just say "no thanks".
Personally I believe that there will always be a tiny part of you that will be uncomfortable about it. My ex and I are best friends- we actually still live together. and even though we never want to get back together (we play wingman for each other!) there are still occasional sparks of jealousy from both of us. Its kind of inevitable When yr with someone for that long.
I say go for it, but make it a double date. That at least levels the playing field.
Yeah, my ex-boyfriend brought out his new girlfriend to make out in front of me at the St. Patrick's Day parade about a month and a half after we broke up. And when I mentioned that he might be making me a little uncomfortable, he told me to get over it and made fun of me to the new girl. But then again...we're not friends. Or at least, we weren't after that. And he was that big of a douche while we were dating too.
I haven't and still don't plan on being with friends with my ex who broke up with me almost two years ago. I'm friends with previous ex's, but only via the occasional email. Most of them live in different states anyway. Honestly, I've never been sure exactly why you've wanted to stay such close friends with Lynn. It just seems to bother you more than you even realize.
You can't really prepare yourself for it - it just happens. And it sucks, but you live through it. My suggestion? Get a hotel room. And bring a date. :)
GASP! TAKE BETHIS!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE HER TAKE HER TAKE HER!
I'm being selfish here. I just want to read the blog post after that very interesting double date.
Wow I understand!! I want to stay friends with my ex but I am not ready to see him with someone else yet. It also makes it harder that he is in a relationship while I'm still single (much like your situation except you now have beth in the picture). It has been nearly a year since my ex and I were over and I'm not ready. I look forward to your insight/advice/experience on this :)
My unsolicited advice? Spring for the cab home. Or a hotel room. Otherwise....awwwwkward.
I'm not sure you can ever know you're ready for it. Hell, I don't know if you can even be ready for that kind of scenario. But you can try.
Best you can do is dive in head first and hope not to drown.
Good luck!
You're ready for that when you can honestly look at your ex and have NOTHING but friendship feelings for them. Otherwise it could just turn awkward and all that like you said. Honestly I only have 2 exes that I am friends w/ still and I wouldn't have any problem being in a situation like that w/ them. It's hard.
Good luck w/ it!
i missed your blog.
Wow, that's rough. I personally think that would be too much for me to handle, given those circumstances. I think a better scenario would be to just have lunch with the couple, not to commit to an entire weekend of seeing them all over each other and having sex in the other room. But, to be honest, Lynn doesn't seem like that type of person anyway. I'm sure she would keep your feelings in mind.
I agree with Shorty. Stay in a hotel. That way you can drink and still sleep comfortably.
Hell no.
I never want to get real close to my Ex's new girlfriend. ...Unless she's ugly.
I don't usually have a problem meeting (or hearing about) my exes' currents, but I'm unusual in that regard.
I don't know whether staying with him and his new girl would bother me, but I'd probably get a hotel room so that I didn't have to find out.
NEVER
don't do it.
move on.
it's not right.
it'll keep you in the past and ruin what you have now.
Thirteen years.
Then it's cool. It's science.
Wow, I'm really irritated with your comments! Especially the peeps that say you aren't over Lynn.
Baby steps, SO. Meet for drinks or coffee, or a double dinner date when you're able to do so. Don't party with her and her new guy all night long and crash on the couch. Too much. It's like doing 21 shots for your 21st when you've never drank liquor.
Baby steps. And then you'll have an idea as to your tolerance. So you'll know going ahead if you can handle a sitch or not.
PERFECTLY NORMAL, by the way. And you know, when I'm done with a sweater? THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT SOME OTHER BITCH WEARING IT. Just sayin'.
;)
Sticky situation, but I believe it can happen. (But maybe that's because I'm working through a similar situation) Like you said, you're cool with meeting the other guy, but I don't think anyone ever *wants* to be put in a situation where the past meets the present. Either way though, I'm sure you'll find the normalcy that works for you.
This is definitely the worst part of trying to maintain a friendship with a former boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you should stay sober or bring along a friend who will so that you can just go home at the end of the night. If you go with them and it's horrible and awkward, you're stuck there.
It would probably be more tolerable if you were not riding the experience solo.
It blows to be in that situation and get to play the part of "single." Yuck.
Hmm.. I'm not friends with my ex but at the same time if I saw him on a night out with his tongue down my ex-best friend's throat, I can honestly say I would not give a shit.
Then again I have no lingering feelings of tenderness or whathaveyou, so that probably makes it much easier.
Meeting the ex's bf is one thing, but spending an entire drunken night with him at HER place?! I'd say, meet them at a bar, buy them a drink, then high-tail it outta there. But make sure you have plans with your non-ex friends afterwards because although you and Lynn are past-over with, no one likes seeing someone they used to bone getting all beer-googly over their new beau. Ick.
If you're questioning whether or not you are ready you aren't ready. Just my own two cents.
Dear Gus,
This post blows. Spring for the hotel room, sleeping at an ex's house in your late 20's is just asking for trouble.
Oh, and write about me next time. Thank you and good night.
<3 Rusty
I would imagine it's a little different if you know, at least, that you also have someone in your life you can be cuddly with... even if she is all the way across the country.
I went to an outdoor concert with my first love, another boy I dated for a bit, and their girlfriends. 5th wheel! Made better by the fact that I had not dated anyone seriously since them. That that was fun.
Really... never? I think the sleeping on the couch part is just way too much. Being in a "relationship" where my ex will always be around, I have to know that a guy I am dating will be ok with me going over the ex's and not get jealous? But if I wanted to sleep on the couch, I shoudl be ok with never hearing the end of it.
i guess it depends on if you can "pretend" that you didn't have a relationship...
if it phases you (in a bad way) to see Lynn kissing or talking to another guy there is no way your ready. but if your all sorts of cool and it doesnt bother you a bit, then i'd say your good to go.
after so long its normal for it to not phase you anymore. but if it still affects you, stear clear.
24, you had me at Ray Stevens.
Seriously though, it's hard the first few times. After that, it's not horrible. You just have to remember that it's not the same with anyone else as it was with you.
On the upside, you're not blindsided by it.
Dude. Go drinking, but have one drink. And then go home! It seems like a long trip for one drink, but I think you'll be able to handle everything but the sleeping over. That's for sure far too awkward for anyone to handle.
yea, i don't like scenario either... I guess you just have to suck it up like you said.
I say while they're up there doing their thing, you jizz in his shoe, then make a break for it in the morning.
Not for a loong loong time.
Then again, I hate a couple of my exes, and the rest of them hate me...so any awkward meeting the new girl scenarios aren't really a threat for me.
Um never. Haven't you ever watched TV? Every show has a pair of people who try to be friends and then they end up hooking up again or murdering each other. Not worth it.
on the one hand: my BIG EX and i are "friends" but it was still weird when he and his now wife asked to crash at my now boyfriends former apartment (his roommate was friends with my ex and I)
on the other hand i just spent the weekend with an ex of sorts of mine and hooked him up with my best friend. and she and i and he and my boyfriend all slept in the same bed one night. so there you go.
That is exactly why I do not remain friends with my ex's. It would kill me to have to endure that.
Wow, I don't know if I would ever be prepared for that!
The exes I have remained good friends with were awesome, but certainly not people I was deeply in love with - I think the range of emotions involved in that sort of friendship would be too much for me to handle.
I give you a lot of credit though - you're stronger than many of us! :)
it's poor form to "jam down" when you have a guest...
but a new guy will either like you or dislike you and if you know that what's there to worry about?
I'm pretty sure, if you have to ask when you'll be ready... it's not now.
You won't even think twice when you're ready.
Here's to hoping it comes soon for you... cheers
my ex, from almost three years past, is my best friend on the planet. we've dealt with a lot of situations because of our dating history, and our current bff status. honestly, having a serious relationship has often been out of the question because the new person can't deal with the idea of me being friends with my ex, or my ex being friends with me.
this said, i have been dating someone for almost six months now, and i'm ready for that. it's serious enough to bring it to the table, and my ex and i are committed to being friends. my ex is balking, and i know if the roles were reversed, i would be too. but we both also want the other person to be happy, and we know that we were not right for each other.
my new guy has an ex friend of his own - i'm much less excited to meet her than i am for my ex to meet him. these things get so confusing and emotionally stressful.
Sweet title indeed.
Not sure I will ever be comfortable with meeting MS2BX new significant other. The thought of it actually makes me stay home on the weekends and curl up with a good book. Or a book that will distract me long enough to not think about running into them.
Run! Its sooooo not worth it. Awkward and really, what's the point?
When you no longer care about the scenarios you've just described [and you've got a better new squeeze than they do!]
Eeek meeting the new significant other is TOUGH. Actually, I've never really done it so I have no advice for you.
It helps if he isn't good looking.
I don't mind seeing my ex's with girls when they are either fat, have jacked up teeth... you know, things of that nature.
Yeah. What LiLu said.
13 years.
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