Beth and I were polishing off the last few pieces of the pizza we had made together earlier that evening.
We were on my living room couch and her legs were draped over my lap. I shoved the last piece of pizza in my mouth when Beth asked me, "So tell me the story about Lynn."
My mouth swung open a like a trapdoor and I'm sure a few crumbs tumbled onto my shirt. Soon after, a smile came across my face, "Are you sure?"
"Wait," she said, jumping off the couch and heading toward the fridge, "I'm going to need some wine for this one."
Beth returned with a glass and a bottle of wine. She immediately poured herself a healthy amount. Girl was all business.
So I did. I told her my story, from start to finish. Beth sat and listened tentatively, refilling her glass when it was empty. But, I'm not shy about discussing my past regarding my first real relationship (needless to say), but she was a real trooper to sit through it all.
When I finished my story, I figured it was only fair to quid pro quo the situation. I wanted to know about her history of relationships.
So@24: So what about you? What was the story about your first love?
Beth: Meh. We don't need to talk about it. Trust me, it's not worth discussing.
So@24: Hahahaha. Come on! I told you mine! It's only fair!
Beth's signature smile faded and her lips transformed to a thin line. The bottle of wine was now empty (good girl!) and she gulped the remainder in her glass.
Beth: No. Really. I don't like to talk about it. Some other time though, I promise.
I definitely was taken aback by Beth's stern reaction. Every interaction I have had with her thus far was all fun & games. One of the most carefree, jovial, relaxed persons I have had the fortune of coming across thus far. We really hadn't had a "serious" conversation at this point.
But me playfully trying to get Beth to talk about her ex was like when you rough-housed with that one really cool babysitter, only to take things too far and the babysitter suddenly breaks character and says, "No, seriously. Quit it. I mean it." It really throws you for a loop.
I knew that it wasn't my place to push the issue further, but a part of me couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. What was making this natural Ferris Bueller turn to Ben Stein?
Why couldn't this girl discuss her ex? Why couldn't this completely open, down-to-earth girl tell me the back story of her ex? This wasn't like her.
I have no frame of reference for this type of situation and it's hard for me to relate to. I mean, I have no problem discussing my past relationship (coming from someone who created an public domain based on it) and so I always forget that most people don't have the fortune of still being friends with their ex. Or at least of having it not end on extremely devastating terms.
But still, I can't deny the fact that I was a little thrown off by this. I mean, what was there to hide? The a variety of absurd scenarios flashed through my mind and they got more ridiculous at I allowed my imagination run wild:
"He's actually a distant cousin. But I honestly didn't know at the time."
"I kept his eyelids in a mason jar. But it wasn't a big deal as the courts made it out to be."
"Long story, but he's the reason I have a peg leg. See?"
I feel like if there's a strong potential for a girl to be around for the long run, she should be forced to give this information up, right? I mean, it's like when you buy a potential car... you always demand to see the history to determine the Blue Book value, right? I should know how many times this car visited a mechanic and for what reasons!
I guess I have a theory that past relationships tells a lot about who a person is today. It really shapes you and molds you.
Or maybe that is just me.
I'm exaggerating my concern for comedic effect, but I'd be lying if I didn't raise an eyebrow about the conversation (or lack thereof). But I'm fine with waiting for her to tell me when she's comfortable and ready to do so.
Because really, who wants to force this thing out of someone? It'll come naturally.
I just hope she doesn't have a peg leg. Or at the very least, scurvy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
80 comments:
lol. your imaginary scenarios made me laugh. peg leg. psshh
I just think you need to wait for her to feel ready to tell you. Maybe he hurt her, and she doesn't like to talk about it.
I say give her some time. Also, you could sneakily check for a peg leg - I think it might be noticable!!x
From what I can tell about her being so nice and down to earth and everything, no she doesn't keep his eye in mason jar. lol.
But really maybe she's hurt badly. It's the most reasonable scenario. You just start this out, right? Give her a time, she'll come around :)
My guess would be that she was just really hurt by him. And taking this a little further, you don't know if maybe the exboyfriend was abusive (emotionally or otherwise). I agree with what the others said, give her time.
This was a revelation to me, too, when I found out, but some people just don't like to talk about things.
I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he still won't tell me about his first love, despite my nagging questions.
It really bothered me at first because I used my only frame of reference (myself) to understand it: I am fine to talk about anything personal, as long as it doesn't affect me anymore. So when he wouldn't talk about it, I assumed he was still in love with her, or still hurting from whatever happened between them. And that scared me a lot.
But, as it turns out (I hope), some people just don't like sharing things, especially if they aren't relevant to the current situation. Perhaps Beth's ex is so out of the picture that she doesn't want to bring him into it?
Either way, she'll either tell you or she won't, but I don't think you should worry about it. People are all different.
Woman to man: "Make an ass of yourself."
Man makes an ass of himself.
Man to woman: "Your turn."
Woman: "You're an ass."
Distant cousin! I bet it was her first cousin!
Are you a night owl? You seem to post at all hours.
Maybe your story was just so good, she felt like her's could never be as good. I mean, you do have good story telling abilities.
Or a combination of the story, the wine & how bad her's may really be. I dunno. Like others have said, some people just don't like to talk about things.
That or she has a hidden peg leg.
Right of you not to push the issue. When we've been hurt really badly, women tend to not want to talk about it with a guy they're interested in until we know that you won't hurt us too.
The last guy I seriously dated broke my heart almost two years ago and I still find it hard to talk about with my new man. But in time, it will come out.
my current bf doesn't even like a mention of either of our exes. despite my feeling that our past makes us who we are and hey, i want to know everything about you, i have to respect it. i know the basics ("we dated for X years and we broke up bc of Y") and that's about it.
and you know what? it really doesn't matter.
it took 2 years before my fiance would talk about his ex. and when he finally did i wish i didn't know... so be careful of what you wish for. some don't have as amicable of an ending as others. i know mine was atrocious but his, even worse and now i wanna kill that b*tch.
Remember that scary story about the girl with the ribbon around her neck? And her lover was just so curious about it and would ask her again and again about it, but she would never tell and would never take it off. Until one night, while she was asleep, the lover was overcome by his curiosity and untied the ribbon...AND HER HEAD FELL OFF!
Be careful about untying those ribbons, SO. Most of the time there is a reason.
"I feel like if there's a strong potential for a girl to be around for the long run, she should be forced to give this information up, right?"
I guess I disagree. There's some things I never ask about... and past relationships is one. I dont need to know what happened or how many sex partners a girl has had. Because honestly? Does it matter? If so, why?
Sure you could say that you couldnt be with someone who had secrets and you think communication is key but thats probably the only good thing that will come of that conversation.
Being the open person I am, even though I'm definitely not friends with my ex, I don't fully understand not wanting to talk about it either - especially if you're over it. Right?
I give you credit for not pushing the issue. I totally would have!
She totally shouldn't have asked you about Lynn if she wasn't prepared to share her own story. Highly unfair.
People discuss these things when they are ready to. But did you really have to use the used car scenario?
that does seem a little strange, but maybe it was just a bad situation... It will come out in time! just keep doing what your doing...
Agree with Arielle... pretty unfair to ask of your history, and not be prepared to give her own.
Though, she probably knows you're very open with such things (and thus this blog), so perhaps she felt that information was just free for the taking!
I'm sure she'll cough it up though, when she's sure you won't blog about it... :P
I never have a problem talking about past relationships but encountered the same scenario with my boyfriend that you did with Beth. He did it in his own time and now that I know I realize why it was he was so worried about telling me about her.
Nothing horrible, but he had his reasons. I'm sure eventually she'll tell you about it.
She'll talk when she feels comfortable. Trust me.
two words, drama queen.
Well, I'm kinda with you. I don't get what the big deal is about ANY past relationship. It's over now, and shaped her into who she is, so why avoid it!? hm.
I'm never shy to tell my stories either, and honestly would possibly have an issue dating someone who was!
Since I don't know Beth personally its hard on this one. I know you'd love to have all of the answers too.
I'm guessing it was a rough relationship. Maybe she was the one at fault and doesn't like to talk about it. Or, maybe she was the one who was hurt, and it hurts even more to rehash it all.
Either way, judging by the both of your blogs, you have something pretty special right now. Enjoy it.
Don't freak out until she starts throwing things at you saying "WE WILL NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS!"
Then I'd worry. But take advantage of some hot angry sex first :)
It is never a good idea to talk about past relationships in your new relationships, but, since she asked about yours, you had every right to ask about hers. You should never ask a question you wouldn't answer yourself.
Tread lightly Gus.
And, no no no I do not EVER want to know about a current boyfriend's past. Because every time he goes out to coffe with his 'friend' Stacey I will secretly be curled in a ball in the corner strangling every stuffed animal I can find.
Mmmmmm, according to Katie, I should be worried..lol
My boyfriend of 3 years has made it perfectly clear he won't share his past relationships with me and doesn't want to hear about mine.
In the beginning, I used to push because I'm curious and knew he had slept with many girls and worried about STDs (solution: use condoms).
I try my best to push this issue aside in my brain but it still tickles my curiosity.
I still think there's something fishy about it.. people who don't talk about it might have had their heart broken but I had mine broken and can still share .. so it's intriguing.
If anyone knows why some people just won't share, let me know.
P.S. See, your blog is still very interesting even tough it has changed !!
Psh, peg legs are HOT.
Don't force it. She'll tell you when she's ready.
the one time my boyfriend "dated" (i use that term generously) a girl with a fake leg, it became very apparent once you've been in the places you've been with beth. ;) i think you can rule that one out.
Great post..... yeah the ex conversations tend to be weird in themselves but here reaction does make you wonder. But maybe she was having such a good time she didn't want to spoil it by talking about her bad past relationships! And for the peg leg if you didn't see one when you slept with her I'd say your safe lol ;)
It could be something traumatic happened to her in the past. Most likely (at least hopefully) that's not the case, but it could be. Something just take time before you can say them to yourself, let alone anyone else...
Um, given your other posts, wouldn't it be obvious by now if she had a peg leg?
hahaha. I love your various scenarios ...
I can so totally understand why Beth wouldn't want to talk about her ex.
Patience, grasshopper. I mean, you waited two years for sex. Waiting a couple weeks (or even months) for a story should be a breeze....
VI
your scenarios are hilarious.
But like everyone else has said, she was probably very hurt by her ex and isn't over him yet. That's what first popped into my mind and I totally understand what you'd "raise and eyebrow" at the situation - especially since she was very direct about wanting to know about Lynn.
Who knows.. she may have been married.
But I don't agree with "it doesn't matter". The past relationships conversation sort of tells each other where you've been, how you've grown and what you're looking for now without it sounding like a personal ad while connecting on a different level. When she trusts you enough she'll probably come around. (don't take it personally. it's often hard for women to trust another man when they've been cut to the bone)
there's probably a reasonable explanation... putting myself in Beth's shoes, I wouldn't want to talk about my ex after a bottle of wine - not unless i wanted to put all my crazy out on the table. strong feelings (likely bad) + drunkeness = lopsided truth. maybe she was just showing some restraint.
It's funny, but stuff like this used to really get to me. When I started dating someone new, I wanted to know everything. Now, I just don't care. I feel like what matters is who you are today and that you're choosing to be here with me.
That said, I agree that past relationships can be a good indicator for future ones. But I think you can get a lot of those indicators just from how a person conducts herself with you. People grow and change.
Also, it sucks to be the Debbie Downer in the early stages of a relationship. If your story was mostly sweetness and light (I have no idea if it was), she might have felt embarassed to pull out her sob story as the follow-up, especially after a bottle of wine. Might actually demonstrate some maturity, restraint, and self-awareness on her part.
I think you would have discovered the peg leg by now. But, maybe HIS name was Peg?
I think some memories just distress a person or are just too painful or tiring or emotionally draining to relive. Give her time and she'll tell you when and if she's ready. She probably doesn't want to think about it right now. No biggie, dude.
Plus give poor Beth time to get his kidneys out of the freezer and bury them.
What?
SO m'dear, this is NOT a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" kind of thing. You're so open about your past relationship that you started a friggin' blog about it. Beth's not. So what?
I usually blab about my past relationships if a new guy wants to know, but there are things that take me months or years to share. One of my exes pushed and pushed and pushed for me to spill all of my secrets (secrets that had nothing to do with him) and he basically pushed me away. As with all things, your timing is not her timing.
Intimacy (and I don't mean the physical kind, though of course that too) should never be forced.
"No, seriously. Quit it. I mean it."
I don't think you have to talk about your ex's... I think it's perfectly OK that she answered you the way she did... if and when she's ready then she'll tell you.
What's important is the NOW :P
HMMMM...
I don't really like talking about my ex's. I tend to say little facts about them here and there and let the new guy piece it all together.
I feel like it all coming out in one big story too soon is as classy as throwing on a guy.
Maybe she'll ease you into it so you dont run off scared.
i always thought this wasn't a smart conversation to start, though we all are curious.
it's not right to ask and not tell. no game is played that way.
what's the worst news you could get? she cheated.
This strikes me as extremely unfair. Don't ask a question and expect an answer if you aren't willing to answer the same question yourself. And she didn't even give a reason as to why she wouldn't discuss. I don't think she should have asked. And why did she feel the need to drink during it? Shouldn't you be the one drinking? haha
Maybe her ex was one of the following:
1.) Barack Obama
2.) A girl
3.) Leo
4.) Your dad
I had a comment lined but Martini took the good zings.
Maybe after she heard your story, she thought her story would be boring. Or maybe she just doesn't want to talk about her ex. I know I dont like to waste time talking about someone who isnt in my life anymore. You and your ex are different.
i agree that past relationships are an important piece of info in getting to know someone... i think people's past relationships go a long way toward defining who they are and how they act in current relationships.
that said, my big love ended BADLY, and i don't love sharing the story - especially with a new guy i'm interested in - at the drop of a hat :-P
With all due respect for Beth, it sounds like there might be a little baggage there.
I use the term baggage to mean there's some form of emotional hurt that hasn't hit surface yet (meaning no one knows the depth of it). It sounds like that's the case here.
Your options are limited unfortunately. You can't make her tell you. You'd be a little on the dramatic side if you pulled back from the relationship because she won't share. You're not going to BREAK UP with someone over this.
You're stuck. Plain and simple.
yeah i think it's only fair she tells you, especially since you laid out the whole ordeal for her.
Martini - Awesome comment.
S0 - I think you'll find that it'll come out soon. I think the difference is, you've posted about Lynn, you've let us all in, it's clear that you're extremely comfortable about it.
While I agree that if she asks, she'd better be ready to dish, maybe she was just trying to get the rest of it directly from you and not the blog? I dunno, I'm guessing here. Either way, you'll find out soon enough.
Remember - she flew across the country to hang out with you, it's clear that her ex is the LAST thing she's even thinking about.
Enjoy, live in the moment
it isn't a peg leg.
it's a peg boob.
She'll open up eventually. Sometimes hard pasts are difficulte to figure out how to correctly express and convey them. (I almost wrote pastas instead of pasts...mmm...dinnertime)
It's really soon to be talking about that kind of stuff, no? Though it is unfair that she asked to spill, and she didn't.
I used to think that I wanted to know everything about my boyfriends' past. But I digress. I'm not sure how it would impact or change anything in my current relationship.
I'm not good at taking "no" for an answer, so kudos to you for letting it slide ... at least temporarily.
Personally, I don't talk about my ex because I still care about him. As for another ex, I hesitate to talk about him because he's now one of my best friends.
Give it time. She'll talk when she's ready (if she hasn't already). And if you can't handle that, you have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.
Good luck 24.
youre a nut =]
I think you should cut homegirl some slack. I mean I feel you, because I'd be bothered by that if it happened to me...
BUT I had a really horrible first relationship that lasted way longer than it should have, and it's not only an unpleasant tale to tell, but also reflects pretty poorly on me--if only because I was young/naive/"in love" enough to let it continue! So I usually hold off on spilling the details for a while...
just sayin' :)
but it is weird when someone breaks character like that; it also reminds me of the really cool teachers who'd always be laughing and joking and then all of a sudden they'd raise their voice and tell you to get to work! eeek
I am with saragtoga jean and Matt. Be careful what you ask for and I really don't think rehashing old relationships is a must. Even though that made us who we are, knowing every little step of the process is a bit much.
However, having said that, I do not think it is fair for one person to make the other tell their story but not reciprocate.
Quid pro quo Clarice.
HA! peg leg....
I can't talk about S with most people because, well, its fucking painful as all hell.
Past relationships are stupid. If my past relationships molded who I was today, that would equal a mental institution.
Maybe it was just awful and her being happy go lucky means she doesn't want to bring it up and bring you down.
I think the past is the past if you want it to be different the second time around you shouldn't dredge it up.
Just my opinions :)
I'm guessing you gotta build up a bit more trust before she's ready to spill it. Maybe it was something emotionally or physically abusive (god forbid!), and she has to have TIME to trust you enough to let that out. Yep, time is what's needed here.
I agree. This is a red flag. Not the kind that is detrimental to your relationship yet, but if she refuses to open up at some point, there could be some problems.
Give her time. She'll spill the beans, but make sure it's before things get too serious.
No seriously. Stop jumping on the couch. I mean. it.
I've used this line many a time.
And not just on children, mind you. I have some strange friends.
Alright! That's it! I'm callling your parents.
Yeah. That one too.
Hey, you can be OVER someone but still really really pissed off at how they treated you. My guess is Beth didn't want to talk about it because she knew she would cry, and she wasn't ready to be a sniveling wreck in front of you just yet. I don't think that's too hard to understand.
It can also be quite intimidating talking to someone who is on good terms with their ex, when you could quite happily murder yours. There's a feeling of, 'wow, maybe if I was a nicer person/ had better judgment I would be on good terms with all my exes too'. It makes you feel sad and kind of stupid, even if it isn't in any way your fault that the ex and you are no longer on speaking terms. Are you getting me?
Seeing as she's promised to tell you at some point, I don't think you really have a problem here. It's just a matter of a little patience - after all, she's obviously happy to share (which is great!) but not on your time schedule. All good.
x
I'm not one to spill my guts about an ex to a potential new boyfriend. It's in the past and relationships do have a tendancy to mold you, but what if you don't like the outcome and want to start anew?
Discrimination against vitamin deficiencies is no laughing matter, sir.
Scurvy would be okay. You can hand feed her grapes...
Maybe she used to be married, and feels like a failure for it not having worked out.
Maybe she doesn't want to explain that to you because then it might taint the way you feel about her.
Oh....wait....that is the problem I am facing.
I hope it is nothing too serious.
Oh I guess you didn't notice my etsy site where I'm selling owls hey? You didn't scroll down. Too bad I just sold the brown one! I will make more....hint hint....hehe.
it sounds serious... I would go ahead and dump her.
I think if you share it is only fair.. I have been burned a few times and if I was able to be intimate with someone.. sure as shit I can be intimate emotionally too.
Good Luck..
and by reading your blog you are one of the good one...
Llucky girl!
I think with a headful of wine, she did not want to re-live that episode just then. Timing was most likely the reason she clammed up.
no blue book value. The past is the past. People are all different with different people. I am not the person I was with any of my exes, until you find a good fit, this is usually the case, and unfair to determine any current value from it.
I haven't read all the comments and find it hard to believe someone hasn't mentioned this...- but be careful; she could be a canadian pop star and sing "let's go to the mall"...Just Sayin.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.....idea.
The only thing worse you could have done was ask for "her number".....because there are NO right answers. Ever.
Don't ever bring it up again.
Post a Comment