But he's been known to come out of the wood works to give his two cents every now and then.
It wasn't a huge surprise when he had asked me if he could write his thoughts on some recent events.
How could I resist such an offer? Especially since so many readers have asked for it as of late.
So let's get right to it.
* * *Hello my darlings.
So has been in recovery since the events of last weekend, so I'm taking a moment away from dabbing his pallid brow with a damp cloth to post a little something. Dear boy hates to neglect his readers.
As we all know, So recently ended what can only be described as an absolutely titanic dry spell. For context, the last time he had sex, Anna Nicole Smith was alive, no one had heard of a dude named Barack, and our solar system had an extra planet. Yep. You can literally measure his abstinence on a cosmic scale.
And as we all know, this all came to a rapturous end (cue glorious choral music, montage of time-lapse rose blooming, rocket blasting off, train going into tunnel, Old Faithful, fireworks). Jack and I rejoiced. We had coaxed and coached for, well, years. And now we relished the catharsis.
So@24: Should I really be sharing details with you guys?
Jack: I puked in a bag for you. And Leo kissed a dude. You owe us.
So@24: So I had sex this weekend. A lot.
Leo: -wipes single tear of joy-
Jack: like it's the end of Return of the Jedi and So is Luke all partying with Ewoks and whatnot, and you and I are like the ghosts of Obi Won and Yoda that appear beside the campfire nodding approvingly.
Jack: -wistful sigh-
So: I can't believe after all this time, I can finally join you guys in locker room banter. It's like I've been back into the Forbidden City. I'm like that kid who finally got his Super Nintendo after all the kids in the neighborhood have had it for years.
Jack: Well ours are broken apparently, so looks like we'll be playing at your house.
Leo: I need to have sex.
We were happy. But this victory was to be bittersweet, and Jack and I were its foreshadowing. You see, So has not yet grasped the consequences of his actions. As the dude who invented those fig cookies wrote, for every action there is a reaction. For every Yin there exists a Yang. Where there is light, so must there be shadow. And oh, what a beastly shadow it is. It's name?
We've all been there. You're coasting along, enjoying healthy sexual endeavors, then one day they cease... and a terrible terrible fiend fills the void. It strikes in the loins and lingers, slowly eating away at your standards, judgment, and resolve. Left untreated, it only grows, consuming your thoughts and making you send inadvisable texts. And sex? Sex is merely a temporary treatment... Beastie will lurk, dormant, until it's time to rise again.
It's a burden that comes with the blessing. So had the blessing. But in resetting his coital switch, he's awoken this succubus once more.
And mark my words... one night a week or two from now, he'll be tossing and turning in bed, trying to figure out the source of his restlessness. Suddenly he'll realize it. His eyes will snap open and he'll whisper the tragic truth...
"I need to have sex."
Unfortunately there's nothing we can do for him. He and his lovely share a geographic disparity that makes regular boinking impossible. And so I welcome him into the ranks of The Infected*.
Godspeed, my friend. It's going to be a bitch.
*If you get the L4D ref, you're rad. Also, a nerd.
**If you got the title's HL2 ref, you're really rad. Also, a nerd to the point of it being kind of sad.