Now I've never claimed to be extremely knowledgeable in the ways of the mysterious fairer sex also known as "the female". For proof of this, please read this entire blog. But I thought I was pretty well prepared when I was oh so young and oh so naive.
Yes, I even read "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" in grade school hoping that this would be the key to get a step up on my competitors. I'm not kidding. I actually did that for the sole purpose of getting ladies.
They call that "foreshadowing" of a complete tool.
I digress.
While I might still be clueless now, I was a fucking lobotomized patient back in college. This realization only came to me a few days ago when I got a text message from an old friend of mine in college wishing me a happy birthday.
For a brief amount of time, Mia and I were pretty close, but out of nowhere (or so I thought) she stopped calling. Mind you, this was in college, when I was still very much with my ex girlfriend Lynn.
Mia used to call me up on any given weeknight and see if I was going to the bars. I'd usually meet her in the median and walk with her. Occasionally, we'd come back after a frat party and bust out some amazing, drunken Weezer ballads. One time, she called me in the middle of the night asked if I wanted to sit on the steps of her sorority and eat Bagel Bites with her. And I did.
And then one day she stopped calling me. Just out of nowhere. It really bummed me out at the time and it left me scratching my head. What had happened?
It would take me years to figure out why. Mia's text forced me to think back and analyze the situation. I had to experience years of being single and misreading signals in order to finally understand; like a fucking vision quest.
Mia was one, in a string of girls, that suddenly stopped talking to me once they found out I had a girlfriend. I had totally (unintentionally) lead them on!
In my defense, I didn't know better. I was so completely oblivious, especially because I was legitimately (yes, legitimately) friends with so many girls in college. And I still, to this day, believe that guys and girls can be just friends.
But thinking back on other girls besides Mia, I had left a trail. There was one girl who used to always sit next to me in lecture and expressed interest in coming over to hang out. When she did, she brought a six pack of Killian's and I didn't think twice about it! When she asked what I was up to one weekend and I told her that Lynn was coming to Seattle, I never heard from her again. I always assumed that she just lost interest in being friends, because SHE got a boyfriend or something.
This happened a few times, but I think two examples are enough.
Same thing with Mia. When I told her a story about Lynn, shortly thereafter I stopped getting calls to join her at the bar.
I never put two and two together, even after all of those times. What did I tell ya? When it comes to females, I'm a donkey laying under an apple tree listening to "Turkey in the Straw" on a broken victrola.
* * *
I'm not sure exactly why it has taken me years to finally come to this obvious conclusion. I was always sad as hell that I lost friends and never knew exactly why.
I wonder if you have to be single and go through the experiences yourself before you can come to appreciate these conundrums in the past? To get the questions answered that left you baffled before you gained perspective.
So.
To all those girls who I might have lead on, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to.
I just didn't know better. It just took having it done to me to figure it out.
I wonder if you have to be single and go through the experiences yourself before you can come to appreciate these conundrums in the past? To get the questions answered that left you baffled before you gained perspective.
So.
To all those girls who I might have lead on, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to.
I just didn't know better. It just took having it done to me to figure it out.
71 comments:
that's it, we are done - consider this blogfriendship OVER! :)
"I'm a donkey laying under an apple tree listening to "Turkey in the Straw" on a broken victrola." HAHAHA whaat?!?
but yeah, i can imagine those girls having conversations with their girlfriends saying things like "i can't believe it! we hung out all this time, and he was totally flirting, but he has a girlfriend! what an asshole, right?"
it's not your fault; i blame people thinking that guys and girls can't be friends.
I once had a (now) ex-boyfriend explain to me how completely CLUELESS men are when it comes to 'interpreting' the signals that women send out. Women think they are being obvious and men don't even register a blip on the radar. I think this phenomena works both ways though, because I could have sworn that my (now) fiance only wanted to be friends with me, but it turns out he was really interested.
Here's to hoping that it is nothing but crystal clear signals for you from now on!
For whatever reason friendships with the opposite sex don't really phase me. Sometimes there is flirting. Sometimes there is not. Either way I rarely obsess about time spent with a guy friend. I only analyze dates ;-)
It's more confusing for me when we are both SINGLE than if I know the guy has a girlfriend. If I know a guy has a g/f, I know we are "just friends" and enjoy the friendship for what it is. FB really helps to find out relationship statuses if there is a question.
I recently stumbled upon your blog and read through it's entirety in two days (when I should have been working) and actually LOLed at work.
In regards to those friendships, I've done the same thing. So many people think that the sole reason for communicating with the opposite sex is to hook up. When you're legitimately trying to form a friendship there seems no need to put it out there that you're dating someone.
This is why I think people need to learn to communicate better! If people would just say "Look, I'm into you, wanna get to know each other?" then the "I have a GF/BF" speech could have been put out there up front without anyone feeling like they're losing friends.
COMMUNICATION, PEOPLE! :)
It's hard for girls and guys to just be friends! At least... when there's any underlying sexual tension...
a guy and a girl can totally just be friends. i dont care what anyways says. me and some of my girlfriends were just having this arguement. i have been best friends with the same guy since childhood and they just dont get it. they of course....think i must marry him lol.
sorry you had to learn the hard way though...that sucks.
With age comes wisdom....
That is so kewl that you just sat on her steps and ate bagel bites. I think I probably still would have been friends with you even after you told me you had a gf. I mean as long as you didn't cheat on her and you're still good company ... why not?
Wait, back up. I'm confused. At the end you said, "it just took having it done to me to figure it out." Is someone leading you on? Or did I read it wrong, and you meant that it just took being single for you to take a second look?
If the first one is the case, I missed a post somewhere! If the second one is the case, I think that when you're in a relationship, you're more open to friendships. When you're single, the FIRST thing you think of is romance, and friendship is second. It shouldn't be that way, but especially in college it is. So, I don't think you led anyone on; you were just in a different mindframe! Glad you figured it out though, to avoid future annoyance to others and sadness on your part!
And P.S.--sorry 'bout the award. :) I didn't think you were into that!
Guys and girls CAN be friends - thank you! So many people just don't believe it can happen and it drives me nuts.
i am an avid believer that guys and girls can be JUST friends. it's happened to me plenty of times.
You know what I hate?
is that once your with someone, girls are all over you...
then once your single again there's nothing around. How does that always work out?
I think people are just too nice to tell you these things. Preserve that good ol' innocence!
That's really not so bad. Sure, you were a little clueless, but somehow I think that if they knew you, they'd just be disappointed rather than call you an asshole.
Guys and girls can be friends, you don't have to apologize for being a good guy.
I don't know if I'm ready to jump on the "guys and girls can be friends" bandwagon. Scenes from When Harry Met Sally keep running through my head....so I'll compromise.
Guys and girls CAN be friends, but I think the level of friendship has to be similar to a brother and sister...meh, maybe I'm just crazy like that ;)
I agree with Matt, but you know it works that way for girls too.
When I am single full on dry-spell, when I start dating someone men sniff me out and think its okay to start hitting on me.
I don't get that crap.
If it makes you feel any better, whether I am dating someone or not, men RARELY ever hit on me. Always on my friends. True story.
I'm here to offer the opposite side of the spectrum. I've had several guys friends, who I thought were just trying to be my friend, actually want more from me. I'd get excited because it was someone new to hang out with,a new friend! Having a guy around, and hearing the male persecptive is always entertaining.
There have been several times that I've misread the "I want more" signals. And though I'm usually baffled by this, I do feel bad if I, in fact, did anything to lead them on. So don't feel so bad, SO. We all misread signals, but hopefully with age, we get better at it:)
you would SO read judy fuckin' blume as a mack manual, wouldn't you?
suave.
Well, better late than never. :)
And I agree that men and women can be just friends. But they both have to know it is only friendship (ever) and it's hard if there is sexual tension involved. BUT it can still work. Just look at you and Lynn now!
Oh, I definitely have plenty of guy friends who are JUST friends. But the ones with whom there was sexual tension at the beginning, there will be sexual tension with ALWAYS. With most of them, it's easy enough to ignore.
I'm going through a rough time with a friend with whom the line got majorly blurred and now we're trying to be just friends again. I feel like I can't call him or hang out with him alone anymore. It sucks! I miss my friend.
Girls don't like to be friends with guys that have girlfriends because usually the gf will not like their man having a friend that is a girl. All girls are insecure. Plus if the friend is better looking than the gf then there will be even more trouble.
I'm also a believer that guys and girls can just be friends, but not all the time.
Dude I was just informed by a new lady friend that I'm a huge flirt. I honestly don't know what that means. I say I'm just being friendly to the ladies and she said yeah a flirt. I told her that can't be possible because I'm unaware most of the time that a woman is even interested...I didn't win the argument lol.
Long ramble so I'll stop and say it takes a big man to apologize so good job.
I'm surprised the "are you dating anyone" question never came up before that. Whenever I've met a guy that I'm interested in that always one of the first questions so I know where to set my own boundaries. If they didn't ask, SO, it's not your fault.
"Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" was one of my favorite books in grade school. :-) I think it's impressive that you've read it.
I <3 your blog so bad you have no idea :)
Happy Friday!!!!
So here's what I read in the subtext of all of that... When you had a girlfriend, girls were throwimg themselves at you! What does this teach us? How was your behavior different when you met these girls? I'd bet you were calm, confident and friendly. Maybe its time to channel that SO again!
Whoa, this deserves a long answer, but I'll try to keep it short:
- guys are inherently worse at picking up on signals from girls;
- so girls must be almost blunt in their communication, or we don't get it;
- this always makes me wonder how gay guys can talk to each other at all;
- guys and girls can be 'platonic friends', but once a GF/BF is in the picture, it is expected that he/she will demand more of your time, and won't want potential 'competition' to be hanging around;
- this is simply putting yourself in their shoes and realizing that 'yes, I would be jealous if the shoe was on the other foot' - a good thing;
sorry, not short at all - damn
VI
I agree with Little Fish too - I get more women 'flirting' with me since marriage than before. (not when she is there, but I always wear my ring....)
Maybe because I am more calm and confident, or maybe because they think I'm 'safe' and won't expect anything to come of it. Whatevs, its kinda fun as long as it doesn't go too far.
VI
oh no - who led you on? hope it wasn't Bree!
I have this problem sometimes too- unintentionally leading someone on. If I meet a guy somewhere through friends, I don't immediately say, "Hi, my name is Erin and I have a boyfriend". That would be awkward. Plus, when you're attached, you don't automatically assume someone else is interested.
I hope you didn't mean Bree was leading you on! :(
Women have intentionally been leading men on since the beginning of time. You're a good guy to stop and reflect and not be an ass hole, but don't put too much worry into.
Sometimes we deserve it.
When I was in college, I just assumed that guys had close female friends because they needed a back up. One "on deck" so to speak.
Turns out my mom was right and boys really are just clueless. Good to know ;)
::Hums I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger::
Any suggestions on what I should do for my absurd craving of Bagel Bites after reading this post? I...NEED...SOME...NOW!
Now, for some funny reason I have that song stuck in my head "to all the girls I've loved before." Not a good song to have stuck in your head...just so you know.
I do believe that males and females can be friends, but a lot of people totally disagree with me. I guess it kind of takes the whole friendship aspect out of things if you do this..but maybe you just have to put it out there right away that you have a girlfriend. Just so there is no room for confusion.
oh god the donkey playing turkey in the straw just sent me over the edge. hahahahaha.
and it sounds like that girl threw away a perfectly good bagel-bites-middle-of-the-night friend... her loss.
look at you, you were a heartbreaker and you didn't even know it!!!
ive had this happen to me a couple of times, and ive done the same thing, just kind of stopped talking to the dude.
i think it's shady of a guy not to tell the girl from the beginning that he has a GF, what is hiding? obvy is gf.
Meh, whatever. Most nice guys are completely clueless at that age. Just like some girls in high school who think their friend is just being a friend until he tries to kiss them in a closet. I mean, not that that happened to me or anything...
Maybe instead of feeling bad about it, you should take it as a reminder that you had one girl after another chasing you when you were just being yourself.
yeah, i would've thought asshole-who-wants-it-all.
hearing you now, i believe you weren't that guy.
Do you know what is so funny? I was looking at some of your old comments and I was like "Some of these girls are totally flirting, does he not SEE this?" Hel-lo? Glad you saw the light~
(1) I can't believe you read a Judy Blume book to get chicks. That is the funniest thing I've heard in days.
(2) This post is really good. It's weird that you never realized that you were leading these girls on. And I'm finally starting to believe that some guys really do just want to be friends with some girls. SO, you made me a believer!!!
:)
I seriously can't stop laughing..... YOU KILL ME!!!!
To this day I still wonder why I dated the same guy all four years in college. I can think of at least of handful of hot guys who would flirt with me in class and at the bars, but totally backed away once they realized I had a boyfriend.
Back then I didn't want any more guy friends. Now I can't seem to get anything but. Sigh.
Back in my dating days I sent out a trail mix of signals and ended up hurting some really nice guys in the process.
When a male friend gets involved with a wishy-washy girl I often have cold-sweat flashbacks to the way I used to treat this person or that person. I never hurt anyone out of malice, but I certainly was selfish.
Anyhow I guess what I'm saying is that everyone does it, in one way or another. I'm sure these girls teased a few roosters in their day if you catch my drift.
I feel sad for the girls.. BUT i do think everyone does it and im sure it has happen to you as well...atleast you realize it now!
Whatever. I don't count a guy as interested in me unless he says it outright.
that's happened to me before too. i've had a guy friend and suddenly he'd stop talking to me... i always thought it was because he thought i was into him as more than a friend. it wasn't like that, i'd never treat him any other way than i would a brother... boys are confusing too.
Eh. I've decided girls and guys can't be *close* friends. It took me a long while (and lots of guys led on) to realize this, but it's just... true. Unfortunately. I mean, yes, it's always great to have friends of both sexes, but it never seems to work out when you try and befriend one of the opposite sex as your besty.
Just sayin'...
We females do it too. I think we get wrapped up in our own little worlds and don't think about what someone is feeling. Life is weird.
i used to lead guys on and i didn't even have a bf, i was just clueless if that makes you feel any better. and i'm right there with you affirming that guys and girls can be just friends sometimes.
LOL I agree with Matt - if youre taken youre suddenly a magnet if youre not youre just dust under the carpet
thats a very interesting piece you posted, altho i dont understand why they stopped calling/talking to you unless they have other intentions, which they probably do. altho i dont blame you for misinterpreting cause you were an innocent party in that part :P
i agree with guy and girls can just be friends, most of my bestfriends are guys and some people just cant come to term with that. they make good buddies to laugh with and act stupidly crazy :P
Aww that's cute. In an incredibly dense kinda way.
I really really really want to post a retort on this but suffice it to say that this is why I am a proponent of brutally honest communication (amen Frogs)
Person 1: I want to hang out with you because I like you Person 2: I have a GF/BF. Done and done. Kinda brill if you ask me.
As someone who has been in "Mia"s position (minus the sorority) I can sympathize with her and I do kind of want to smack you, but I won't because I know you're a nice guy. I just let this reinforce the idea that boys are stupid and girls are crazy.
And I am also a firm believer that chicks and dudes can be just friends.
Hey, I have one question - did you text the lead-on-lady back?? x
eh. it could be worse.
you could have an unmentioned marriage and not just an unmentioned girlfriend.
trust me-- it could be worse.
~beatrix
having had this experience myself several times, all i can say is this- if someone doesn't want to be friends with you once they realize that you are unavailable, you don't need them in yr life. period. as a friend or otherwise.
why? it's obvious. if they can't see that it's entirely possible that you could be single the very next day, (hey, the future is uncertain!) then they are fucking stupid. and if all they wanted out of you is a date/relationship/booty/whatever, and are willing to throw away what could be an amazing friendship because they can't have that right this second, then think about what they'd be willing to throw away as your partner.
i have no patience for the "i have enough friends already" attitude.
and yes, guys and girls CAN be just friends. there's always the awkward possibility that one wants more than the other. but sometimes, there's just nothing there besides friendship. god forbid, right? what's next, cats marrying dogs? ;)
don't apologize. clearly you weren't being malicious about it. it's their loss.
Been there.
Except some guys figure they can make you dump your current boy. Never works, at least not with me.
You were just innocent and inexperienced.I was like that too.
After years of being called fat by my charming brother, and believing this because I was curvy, the first time a man looked at me naked and exclaimed,'you have perfect body!' It took all my will not to look around to see who he was talking too-even though only he and I were in the room.
With lovers comes experience and confidence.
PS Are you telling me there's nothing between us?
Men and women cannot ever be friends. I used to think they could but eventually one of them wants more. FACT
Uh oh, who did it to you??
I forgive you.
If you seek out the entire Maybe Crush saga on my blog, you will see proof: you are not alone.
MONTHS of flirting, to the point where everyone we knew thought this guy and I were actually a couple... then I find out he had a girlfriend. And told him how *I'd* been interpreting the situation... and he was absolutely *shocked*.
In other words, you're all totally clueless :)
Also, I loathed "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." With. A. Passion.
I don't think I've ever read so much of 1 blog in a single session!! I forgive your misunderstandings of girls on the basis that you're male - yes it's that simple! You are off the hook! x
I can't underSTAND how you guys cannot KNOW.
But most boys I know can't understand why I can't parallel park.
So we're even?
Maybe this will make you feel better, but I was a girl unknowingly leading guys on...
So take your entire story and replace the girls with boys and vice versa, and there are my college years. Oops.
I was a girl who unknowingly lead guys on. I apparently still do it even though I avoid it like the plague. *shrugs*
It happens to all of us, I think.
don't beat yourself up too much. you were honestly wanting friendship and since you never made a move on them.its really not one or another's fault. just a miscommunication.
but i do hope that they don't hold it against you.
You should read "Are you there Vodka? It's me Chelsea."
Much more entertaining.
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