It's actually about the journey and the harsh lessons learned by this hideous, bitch goddess we most often refer to as "dating".
Learning shit is the backbone of this humble, lil blog. And I learned a valuable dating lesson I'd like to share.
Fuck yeah you did.When I've been excited about the prospects of a girl, I'm not one to do so quietly. I'm that little hen who clucks all over the farm about it.
Of course, I'm nearsighted and I never think about having to explain to people what happened to the girl when things don't turn out as expected. Then I have to go through the humiliating process of explaining WHY things fell apart.
I can't tell you how many times I've had "So, what happened with Bree?" asked to me. Emails, friends... whew, it's been tiring. I guess I'll feed you, baby birds.
And as many times as I have had to answer that question, my answer is always the same (and kind of lackluster):
Nothing.
A phone call with Bree, shortly after meeting her in Santa Barbara, was one of the most refreshing, no-bullshit, honest conversations I've ever had the pleasure of being a part of.
I had wanted to know where I stood. However, before I get raged on by commenters, I'm no idiot. I wasn't wanting a relationship or trying to force a weird, ultimatum out of her... I simply wanted to feel out if we were on the same page. We had always been pretty upfront up to this point and Bree's straightforward approach was something I always admired.
Not to bore with intimate details, but basically she told me that she was happy with her life as it was, didn't want change. She's extremely driven and work is her #1 priority. She wanted to keep things casual.
And I was... actually fine with that! It was so nice to not have to play some tortuous guessing game and to just be up front. I got what I needed out of the conversation.
But really, what can you do after that point? Phone calls and IM conversations suddenly stopped being so frequent. Everything is fine and cordial, but once a conversation like that takes place... you have to be prepared for the pixie magic to kind of just... fizzle out. After all, where is it supposed to go?
Again, it's not like I was anxious to change my Facebook status to "In a Relationship" or anything. To be honest, I didn't even know what I wanted. But if there isn't a chance at all for anything to move forward... then you're really just sitting in murky tub water wallowing in your own filth.
This is the lesson I learned. Shit like this happens all the time in dating situations and it doesn't HAVE to always be some agonizing, terrible experience. It's like getting barbecue sauce all over your face while eating ribs: it's supposed to happen! If you aren't getting messy, you aren't doing it right.
I spend so much time cutting through the thick, dating jungle vines with a dull machete, trying to find that perfect (albeit cliche') combination of the smart, cute, funny girl... that I lose sight of the fact that once I find that girl, there's still one large hurdle to cross: she has to be into me too.
That's what dating is. Trying to find someone that links up to you like two L block Tetris pieces. Sometimes you come close to a perfect Tetris, but sometimes you're going to get that at-first-glance-seems-ideal-but-ultimately-fits-awkwardly Cross shape.
It's just the way it is.
79 comments:
Sorry to hear that SO@24 but at least you know where you finally stand. I'm sure you'll find your perfect 'L' soon enough x
Awwww, it happens. But Serena is right... at least you knew where you stood!
I third that, knowing where you stand is always best! Fizzling-out is definitely better than some heart breaking thing!
I love the Tetris thing...so cute! x
This is my favorite post you've ever written :)
As long as the L you find ain't short for lesbian, you'll be fine.
oh dating..... its retarded, I agree
I think when we meet the right person (ugggghhhh the 'RIGHT PERSON') it won't be guessing games and agony. it will be like floating.
It's actually about the journey and the harsh lessons learned by this hideous, bitch goddess we most often refer to as "dating".
I LOL'd. :)
Also, nice Pete & Pete reference with the barbecue sauce. :D
But, onto the subject at hand. I think you're doing great. You've obviously got a handle on it. Go you! :D
-A.
Then if you find that funny,smart, cute girl you want that IS into you too, there is always the chance she is unfaithful in which the whole cycle starts all over again.
Hell I'm back into the dating throws and am constantly amazed at how many diff types of men there all out there. It's not so easy to just pick one out of a line up and say "Yeah, I'll give him a try". Sometimes that would be nice, but than again, I may have just picked a serial killer.
Have a great weekend and keep looking!
i think it's completely natural to want to know where you stand with someone. i actually just went thru that myself with a guy i have been casually dating for SIX MONTHS. i mean really, why waste any MORE of my time if you don't want it to go anywhere?
I think the Tetris analogy may be possibly the most accurate description of finding the right person ever. It all has to line up perfectly for success. Love it :)
Also, glad you guys were able to behave like adults about the whole "where you stand" thing. Sometimes that's the worst part, figuring out that you want different things.
Hey don't worry, this happens to all of us! If it didn't, it means that we're all recluses sitting around with lots of cats!
It's so true - finding someone you actually want to invest in a relationship with that wants the same thing back is freaking hard. But I'd like to think it makes it that much better when you find them. Think about how many people the average person dates. Half of the time, a few dates/months in, you can't stand them. And it's okay because you've been "casually" dating so a big break up doesn't have to occur. Now imagine if it were all so much easier, relationships sprouted like flowers in spring, only to wilt away once the first summer heat wave hits? More drama then normal would ensue, I'm sure.
My point is, she's out there. And it's so much better to know where you stand then to play the guessing game.
nice. you're on a roll now.
love the count..."fuck yeah you did" lmao
AHAH Fuck yeah you did!
Isn't it strange when life hands you more and more realizations of your own maturity? Kind of, "Huh, I'm not sure I like this, but it makes sense, and I'm cool with it."
1) That sort of thing has happened to me MULTIPLE times.
2) I hate that random Tetris piece that fucks up your whole momentum.
haha, I am kinda in the same boat too. And the tetris analogy is just too funny!
Good Tetris reference. But I've always loved the weird backwards L one, the blue one, the most. Because it's (for me) the hardest one to fit into place. But maybe that just means I'm not good enough.
And I never know what to say, so I'll just say that I also appreciate The Adventures of Pete & Pete. Got it on DVD right here.
I really admire your attitude! :-) And I LOVE the tetris analogy. And the one about barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce is the best. :-D
i'm happy that you aren't being uber sensitive about the subject! pretty soon you are going to be a dating machine, breaking hearts all over the blogosphere.
heart five!
"then you're really just sitting in murky tub water wallowing in your own filth."
Thanks for the mental image.
You seem like an amazing guy. I know you'll find the right girl. She's out there, I promise. Just keep looking. If I bump into her, I'll let you know.
Well, que cera, cera, and all that mess...
Something to consider: I've been in Bree's situation before. I was career driven and single, living in a new city and was trying to make it work long-distance style with a really sweet guy. Unfortunately, I couldn't trust myself to always be what that person wanted me to be. It ended badly.
I give Bree some serious ups for being honest about the situation. She probably knows you're a great guy and a good catch, and just because things didn't work out right now, doesn't mean that they might not work out some time down the road.
We're all still young, yanno.
I love tetris. I used to have old school nintendo and play tetris constantly. I also like BBQ. Now I want me some Famous Daves. Is it weird that those are the 2 things I pulled from your post? :) I guess what I mean is better luck next time! You'll find someone who fits your tetris puzzle perfectly!
I tell you, I am in awe of your writing everytime I come here.
Great post and all, but it was completely overshadowed by my urge to scream....."You can fit it on the left side!!!! Just morph it a few times, hurry before you get it stuck all awkwardly at the top!"
So you guys did it or no?
It's time to turn that condo into a sex pit. Seriously. Hire me. You can pay me in alcohol.
Sorry bout that, but glad to see a good perspective on it.
Glad someone is able to put a happy spin on these life-disappointments.
It sounds like you're starting to really settle into this "dating thing". While it makes me a little sad for you when you don't find the girl, it makes me really, really happy for you that you're beginning to thrive at it. Dating can be very exciting when you have the right mindset for it and it seems like you're pointed in the right direction. It makes me smile for you.
Love the bit about Tetris! And I'm glad you guys had "the talk". Much, much better than sitting around wondering. Any time you can learn something from a dating experience, you have won. Good for you, now keep going:)
Even the ones that don't work out, make us part of who we are. And we're just more awesome because of it.
Can I just say I loved the tetris analogy? Awesome.
As you said, at least you knew where you stood with her after that conversation. Guessing games become to annoying and are overrated.
Tetris diagram was f-ing hilarious. I just laughed out loud on a very quiet bus. Thanks for always putting things in perspective.
hey well at least you guys were on the same page, at least sort of. and it wasn't a horrible split or anything.that's always a plus right?
Poor thing...!
Squishy is the cutest little chunker in the world, right? If she keeps packin on the pounds we might be able to take her on Maury... ::fingers crossed:: ;)
Good God you get comments quickly.
Anyway, that kind of thing happens all the time! You're into someone, nothing too thrilling happens, you move on. Not a huge deal, and definitely a part of the process.
I'm officially adopting, "If you aren't getting messy, you aren't doing it right," as my new motto.
One of your most mature, insightful blogs. I think you're getting the hang of it, love.
Awesome and so true.
Thanks for the video! I LOVE that skit. It is actually my fave kids in the hall skit. I have watched it MANY TIMES. Kudos to you for being aware!
Oh man, that sucks! But I suppose it's better to know where you stand than be left wondering.
Actually, SO... That piece should fit perfectly on the far left-hand corner, if you flip it back to its vertical position.
Just sayin'. :)
isn't it great to realize that it's just . . . fine?
the problem with all the texting, emailing, late night phone calling is that it's so easy to convince yourself you want to be with someone.
~beatrix
that's it! the summary of what usually happens to me lol! nice job : ) by the way u're right, the damn question 'wht happened with x' always comes when u don't wanna talk about it and well, 'nothing' s also the best I can come up with!
nice day!
I like the Tetris metaphore as well ! this is so like it
It's hard to find someone you like. It's harder to find someone who likes you. But it's a freaking pain in the ass to find someone who likes you as much as you like them.
I hate dating...but I sort of have a date tonight so wish me luck.
Honestly, maybe this is just me, but I do think you meet the members of the opposite sex you hit it off best with... when you least expect it.
As long as you know what amazing chemistry looks/feels like, I say have fun along the way until everything is pointing in the direction of a relationship.
Okay.. so you are picky in terms of your criteria for a girlfriend... but maybe it doesn't matter so much in terms of "casual dating." Who knows, you could even change your mind about something.
I think its good that you have criteria and refuse to settle...but doesn't it all really boil down to someone who "gets you" and supports you no matter the size of the issue you are facing.
It's sort of exciting that more than one type of person could fit that description.
#1 - Never take advice on dating from women. They know even less than we do about what they want.
#2 - Do not buy into the tired bullshit of "Just be yourself." One definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You are not a static being. You are constantly changing, evolving and growing.
#3 - Sit down and think about the type of girl you want and try to imagine the type of guy she wants. Depending on how you shape yourself, you will attract different women.
I know you probably look down on the book The Game and those individuals who study such things. Think about this. These guys study, they dress well, they learn the right things to say, the right moment to touch a women and the right way to do it. Who do you think women appreciate more? The ones who learn all of this or the ones who just "be themselves."
^^^^^^whoever this is, please please start a blog and link to it. I would really love to read your dating stories. And just how do you go about NOT being yourself... this sounds complicated to me. Ohhh, wait... is this like when Steve Urkel changes into Stefan Urquelle? I mean, I guess you are right. Stefan was pretty smooth.
Bethis, you are awesome. :)
what i don't understand about the "game" is what you do when you finally get the girl.
I've used to Tetris analogy before, too. Get outta my head! :)
Hey Bethis
I did decide to start a blog. Not so much to entertain others with my exploits but more to put out there what I've learned and what few insights I have for guys like SO24. Feel free to stop by
El Hombre Guapo
Wow. I've just read your entire blog over the course of a few days. It certainly makes for compulsive reading. I'm very intrigued by the fact that you have the same taste in music as me... circa 1997 (I do have to agree that Rivers' finest work was the blue album and Pinkerton, but still, how can this stuff still be relevant to your life? Is it just that you yearn for the glory days of high school? ) and appalled that you never told your ex that you loved her.
On a more relevant topic, you come across as being quite young for a 26 year old... perhaps the answer is younger girls? Granted, they may not appreciate the genius that was 'Stranger Than Fiction', but on a maturity level, I think it may be the way to go.
But hey, those Tetris pieces totally fit!
SO, I know I'm like 2 months late and $1,547 short, but I'm totally in awe of all of your skills.
First of all, in my mind, Bree=cheese. WIN (despite spelling inconsistentcy).
I could go on...
baby birds? check
jungle/dull machete metaphor = check plus
barbeque rib face = check plus plus (even though I know you cheat)
Can I reiterate that girls in LA must be crazy? You rock (for reals, x10)
Also, I'll be emailing you soon.
One chapter ends but another begins, grosshopper.
[now that I got that cliche crap out of the way]
While I was reading your post (at works, whoops! my bad) there was this other nurse who just started scratching her butt right there! standing by me, I'm like DUDE! And pretty much started laughing my ass off while she asked why I was laughing.
Eh, you had to be there.
Do you need a hug?
This: "then you're really just sitting in murky tub water wallowing in your own filth"
is the greatest analogy ever. You've got fantastic perspective on everything... it'll work out right in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, it's not the end, eh?
so true...
It's always a difficult thing - you talk yourself into accepting it, but its still difficult sometimes.
Kudos to you for keeping your head on straight.
Wow! Yeah..... that sucks...... but at least you didn't go thru months of trying to figure out where you stand. That L will line up before long and you'll be on to the next level :)
I'm a few days behind the curve, but adding my comment anyway.
Your analogy - albeit a bit dorky, but who doesn't like Tetris? - was so correct. It is about getting two pieces to fit.
And to be honest and upfront here, I envy those who "date." I tend to fall into relationships and then end up finally splitting three years down the road when we realize "hey, we have absolutely nothing in common and just don't have fun anymore." Oh the joy.
At least you can look back on it all has a great bit of time and still have a friendship, hopefully, come from it.
^-----
And that was actually me. My bad.
I have the same problem, I tend to tell the world and then have to explain myself when it crumbles. I've learned its just the way I operate.
I finally met my blog crush but was super sneaky about it beforehand I didn't want the added pressure of the blog world...now that its happened I'm trying to post about it, but I'm finding it kind of hard to do, it may have something to do with him reading it :-/
Sorry it didn't work out with Bree.
Well written and well done, my friend. Your unicorn is out there somewhere...
VI
ha. if you're not getting messy, you're not doing it right. that at least makes me feel a LITTLE better about my dating history.
major props to you two for handling the situation w/open communication and maturity. SUPER rare, unfortunately, but so much better when it happens that way.
Just found your blog, looking forward to reading more!
LOL! Yes I've been there. It isn't enough to find the perfect person, they have to be into you too.
I'm sorry, dude. And I commend you for being a straight-shooter! And I commend Bree, too, whoever she may be. There's nothing wrong with asking where you stand. I agree that ultimatums and lengthy state-of-the-unions are inappro at such an early stage, but getting the good word on where she's at? Priceless. It hurts, but you're both better off in the long run.
And that Tetris analogy was amazing.
I'm going through something kind of similar myself.. the difference is after we had that conversation, we kept it going - and time and analysis KILLED it completely. We dragged it out too long and suddenly the 'break-up' of something casual feels just as bad as the real thing.
That is a valuable lesson to learn, and I know I learned it the hard way!!
:) Why can't you just date and get a leg over like othe guys?
You won't find the one until you stop looking. And when you're caually dating many,one will suddenly become the one.
Your missing your life, looking for the holy grail.
I love Tetris. Yup, that's all :)
Love the tetris picture. That sucks about Bree, but knowing now instead of playing guessing games is so much better in the long run. Never let these things get you down, instead think of it as a favor (although a sucky favor)
Oh, that's a drag! I'm sorry dude.
But at least things are upfront and you're not being dangled and left wondering. Bree and you both get props for that.
I just came across your blog...I can't wait to get into it more. Happy dating, sorting out life, etc. At least she was honest. But there is that akward and weird transition after boundaries have been set back from where you thought they might go.
hey, I don't think I've ever commented before, but the Tetris metaphor is spot on. (And in response to the comment somewhere above me, about your music taste: you can never be too hip for weezer's first two albums. music doesn't have to be new to be relevant and emotionally resonant.)
Love the analogy! Sorry to hear things didn't work out but way better to know now then later when you have deeper feelings!!
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