You may remember a while back, I was pursing a girl named Amber with high hopes I'd get (at the very least) a drunk, make-out sesh.
Having been with only one girl for six years, I missed out on opportunities to have drunken, make-out sessions with girls who I didn't have any interest in beyond the physical. These types of things usually happen during high school and, for the most part, college. It's like a twisted rite of passage. And I missed out.
Although I was pretty sure that Amber was as prime a candidate as any, I was ill-equipped to prepare for an evening under these circumstances. The only girl I had ever actively "planned" to make out with was my girlfriend; someone who wasn't just there to fulfill some physical need. Get my drift?
I found an old conversation between Leo and myself during the night I had Amber over for drinks. As almost all of my conversations with Leo about girls, I found it absolutely hilarious as well as insightful.
I think you might too.
Who says guys don't think about these things?
Listen to me, young grasshopper.Leo: Whatever the signs, whatever the signals.... assume nothing. Treat her like... I wouldn't say a dude, but you know...
Leo: And don't forget to flirt. If you remember how.
So@24: Fuck you. I can flirt.
Leo: And I can fly.
So@24: Hang tight, I'm searching Google for a "suck it" emoticon.
Leo: Anyway. Small moves. Baby steps.
So@24: Uh huh.
Leo: Oh. And shampoo your crotch.
So@24: Fuck, man!
Leo: And clean your shit up before she comes over.
So@24: I'm heading to the store on my way home. What should I pick up? Rum?
Leo: It doesn't really matter--vodka or rum. Clear is better.
So@24: Chasers?
Leo: Vodka and Vanilla Coke are very effective clothing solvents
So@24: Vanilla Coke is risky.
Leo: Explain.
So@24: It's not an effective go-to. Some girls love it and some girls loathe it. I think I'm safe with Diet Coke.
Leo: Diet is safe. Libations check. You have a pre-funk playlist?
So@24: What?? For just me and her?
Leo: Absolutely. You have it playing when she comes in. Not loud, just background music.
So@24: Oh fuck me.
Leo: AND, most importantly, don't make it YOUR favorite pre-funk, make it her favorite. You're looking for crowd pleasers, not pop-punk.
So@24: Fuck you.
Leo: Maybe some shit that'll start a conversation. "You heard this/Who is this?" shit.
Leo: You need a second playlist though... This one is the tough one. You need a Naughty Business Mix.
So@24: No! This is where I draw the line. I'm not making a fucking "sexy" playlist. I can't do it. I just can't.
Leo: There's nothing more awkward than a silent, first make out.
So@24: It's cheesedick.
Leo: No man, it's not like... breathy-"Hang on, let me put on some music" shit. Unless shit goes down earlier in the evening, the make out isn't going to happen until later, perhaps even an hour or two AFTER you get home.
Leo: So you just put that shit on as background noise. Don't think of it as a "sex mix", think of it as a "chillax mix"
So@24: My curiosity is getting the best of me, what do you suggest?
Leo: Well, there's a fine line. Can't be too obvious (Manilow), but there's nothing worse than music that's too upbeat. Which you have a lot of.
Leo: When in doubt, go classic. Some slower Beatles. "Norwegian Wood" is a great example of a nice balance in vibe. Not too much percussion, but not "cheesedick" either.
So@24: What do you think I'm going to throw on? Fucking Sting's "Fields of Gold"?
Leo: ...
So@24: Fuck you.
112 comments:
I love the fact you let us get inside a man's brain.
Especially when it proves us women right.
hahahahah.
Okay, I need help though. (oooh, first poster?!)
WTF is 'cheesedick'? Educate me.
This just sounds far too complicated. Just ask her if she wants to make out and if the answer is "yes" you know what to do grasshopper.
shampoo your crotch?!?!
MEN DO THAT?!
I laugh, but you know you would have totally played some Sting.
Also I hope you took Leo's advice and shampoo'ed your balls.
I too missed out on the college drunk makeout sessions because of a 5 year relationship.
Though, I made up for that my first year in Cleveland - and really, I don't think we were missing much...
For the love of god, do guys really go through all that? I can see the crotch shampoo and clean up your shit, that's just good practice. But the rest of it, having the right drinks and music "seemingly" on-hand, seems a bit contrived!
haha! nice. I call my TV and a cold beer the "chillax mix."
I heard taking a few shots can help a dude out. ;)
You guys really have conversations like this?!? Geez, I need to step up my game in the online convos!
And "shampoo your crotch" is going to make its way into my day to day conversations with people :)
"Rock you like a hurricane" works for me ;)
I agree. "Shampoo your crotch" is going to be my catchphrase now for when friends ask for any dating advice.
Fabulously Broke in the City
"Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver."
ewww, Diet Coke. Diet anything gives me migraines.
As for a background mix, I fell for my ex over 'Say Anything'. Max Bemis makes me want to make-out anytime, any place, any where.
Walk through hell. Best.song.ever.
Leo looks an awful lot like my Capital IQ and fuck the music and go with the silence. But if you HAD to have music....DJ Tiesto makes good fucking music....hahaha.
Contrary to popular believe 'Fields of Gold' is a great song to get down to. Just try it. You'll thank me.
I find myself both laughing and depressed. Clearly I need to put some more planning time into the pre-date for the post-date action. It's like a whole new world of headaches. *SIGH*
You're killing me, Smalls!
Shampoo & Conditioner work wonders, but remember...rinse and repeat, always repeat!
Wine and The Beatles.
Overthinking has killed more than one make out session.
I never realized 'til you blog - and a night out with friends one week ago - how much thinking goes into this shit for you boys. I always thought it was more...hm, natural? Jeeez. You people are just as bad as us chicks.
Honey, no. You're better than girls who drink Diet Coke.
Yeah, that all sounds about right.
It's not like that's the perfect formula, it's just about reducing the number of obstacles. I don't want to start thinking about making out and then realize there's no drink available to calm my nerves and I'm sitting on a dirty sock.
HAAA. shampoo your crotch. it's comforting to me that guys think about (AND DO) that.
When I'm setting the mood, I always throw on Bobby Brown. Works everytime.
Well, most of the time.
There were just so many genius moments in this little pep talk, I don't know where to begin.
If a man made a sexy mix with Norwegian Wood by The Beatles for me, it would be so on.
If you have enough down there that needs to be shampooed, you should just forgo the shampoo and go right into manscaping.
Your conversation with Leo could be it's own blog, and I would be your biggest fan, because this shit seriously killed me.
I'm curious to know if all the techniques worked, or if you both got drunk, forgot about the pretense, and just went for it! I never hear silence in the background during these things, myself...
Oh man. Oh man oh man.
HIIIIILARRRRIOOOUUUSSS.
p.s. I agree with Ben.
if any guy presented me with diet coke as a mixer, id run screaming. if youre doing soda as a mixer, get two flavors for fucks sake! ;)
there is nothing worse than "hold on let me go put on some music." i guess you have to make your chillax mix segue into your sex mix. this is hopefully obvious advice, but do NOT let itunes shuffle do the job for you.
theory: leo gets the girls because he wears little vests and ties, and you do not because you just wear shirts. no matter how good the candy is, everybody loves a nice wrapper.
That picture of "you" on the bike with "leo" made me crack up.
There was a lot of fucking going on in that conversation. Move it to the real world and turn Leo into a woman and you would have it made.
btw this post inspired a blogpost at my blog today, so thanks for clearing up my writers block
I've just caught up on your blog...well written. The beginning resonates with me, because I went through something similar. Anyway.
As a girl, if you get up from making out with me to go put on music, I might laugh out loud at the cheesiness of it all. If it's already on when I get there, then fine. A little TV/movie for background noise also works well, I find.
Haha! When Leo said "Naughty Business" mix, I immediately thought of the song "Business Time" by The Flight of the Concords.
What a great post. U 2 crack me up. I think he hit it good tho w/ the slower Beatles. Good choice b/c it's not an "obvious" lead into makeout music. :)
Leo makes me laugh.
Beatles is cheesy. Current is better.
It's often funny how much harder it is on you that most other guys. Of course, girls have it the easiest when getting the making out going, but you seem to worry about so many little things. Just relax and let chemistry lead you.
Wait, I think you may have gone astray at vodka. To really seduce a girl, you need wine. And non-plastic wine glasses.
HAHAHA! OMG, you are hilarious. Love the blog!
Oi! I Like fields of gold!!
You are too funny. Definitely agree with the wine. I have a friend who always used to play "In The Air Tonight"by Phil Collins every time he had a potential makeout partner over.
HAHAAHAH
You, sir, have made my day.
And Leo's right... about all of it.
Good call on the vanilla coke. Ew.
Next time you need a good makeout (and more?) playlist, ask a girl. I have looots of good ideas.
Casual hooking up is a rite of passage, I suppose, but you know... maybe the fact that you didn't experience that so much because you had a long term girlfriend makes you less sleazy than most guys. A positive, I think?
hahahah
that Leo man, you are a lucky bastard. he knows his shit! Norweigan Wood....genius! that should surely leave some cream in her panties! :)
leo has some pretty sound advice
you are ridiculous
Oh my god. You guys WAY over think this stuff. I'm a chick and I can promise you, when drunk, I never pay attention to background music. You guys are so funny!!
I definitely think background noise is necessary, but it doesn't have to be as thought out as described. The only music that would really throw me would be metal or folk music, talk about killer.
leo is awesome. haha. i love your conversations they are always guaranteed to amuse.
Two things:
1. That was extremely amusing.
2. Leo gave you DOTS! "....." I have a friend that does this and it makes me crazy! I thought it was an "us" thing, until right this minute, when I saw Leo's rude ass dots! I hate those damn things!
What's wrong with Fields of Gold? It's my favorite karaoke song.
When I was a freshman in collge, I had a lot of guy friends discuss their "mood music" playlists with me. I agree with Leo - anything too obvoius, and it makes me want to laugh at the cheesiness of it all.
Thanks for the Delurking day comment, btw! :)
I dont know how to handle the shampoo your crotch statement...I just cant come back from that....
Now I am thirsty for a vanilla coke though...
You guys still have Vanilla coke? man that sucks I LOVE vanilla coke.
LOL Shampoo your crotch...
play that song "lets get it onnnnnn" I think its marvin gaye. ok dont actually its a bit in your face. oh and not britneys "womanizer" either.
Oh why dont you ask her what her fav bands are or her fav songs are? throw a few in with your mix.
Fields of Gold might have actually gotten you laid tho.
I have to say - I hate diet anything.. :)
Must say - from a dental hygienist, you have very nice teeth :)
I dont do DIET .... and I really like Leo
For once I agree with Leo...girls love subtle "music to fuck to" playlists...SEXY TIIIIIME!!!
Who knew guys thought so much and so deeply? Oh yeah, it's about getting laid so, of course...
Great post!
ohhh boy.
that was hilarious.
i love bro-time.
(i would say "bromance" but that jerkoff brody jenner ruined the word for me.)
Did you ever find a "Suck It Emoticon"?
I'm still on the search...
Sooooo? Are you going to post your Sexy Time playlist or what?
hahahahaha. this is one of your best posts. I was laughing out loud. absolutely fantastic!
Em
Throw on Louie Louie.
I hear it does wonders.
make sure you play this song
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xi98g_lil-kim-feat-sisqo-how-many-licks_music
Boys' conversations are weird. Although I told someone once I would like Dave Matthew's Satellite as background music. He told me he was no good at rhthym. Now THAT was a ringing endorsement. Mood music, not rhthym. Good lord.
I was promised "Fields of Gold."
;)
And Dave Matthews will get me every time...
(Damn, now I gave away my secret!)
Didn't you make out to Fields of Gold once? I'm pretty sure you did.
I'd take Satellite over F&G any day...
Wait...
Guys shampoo their balls?
thoughful, maybe?
I love how honest you are! But vodka and diet coke? come on at least make the girl a good drink ;) Didn't realize that guys put this much thought into things, thought ya'll pretty much flew by the seat of your pants?! :)
What did you play, and did she?
Just pop in some porn and have it playing on the tv in the background. The best way to get in a girls pants.
Ok I stand corrected. Leo does know how (most) women work. Yeah, if you follow his advice, she probably will make out with you. I agree with the vanilla coke. Diet coke is a good option because she will keep drinking if calories are not an issue. Vodka and Diet Coke is a good pick. If all you want is a shallow, meaningless make out session, then follow his advice. You have well earned a frivolous encounter, I think. However, when it comes time to fall in love and meet "the one", don't EVER, EVER take Leo's advice. In fact, you should probably run screaming down the road, stabbing yourself in the eyeballs with a fork rather than take his advice at that point.
I am kidding, by the way.
Maybe.
♥
First off,shampoo your crotch? Gotta love Leo's words of wisdom. Second, being one of those girls who doesn't like coke(or pepsi), maybe go with juice as a mixer. She'll taste sweeter when you kiss her. Third, I have fond memories of a great make-out session with Bob Marley playing in the background. Anything with a smooth rhythm should do.
All of this doesn't have to be contrived either. First, I'd hope a guy I liked would take care of his personal hygiene, cuz, ew. Second, as we get older our tastes start to refine and most people have a bottle of something in the freezer. Third, Bob Marley should be in everyone's music collection. It's a classic and not obvious.
Have fun, whatever you decide to do.
--Nik
haha. guess i'll have to start paying more attention to the music selection.
It scares me that anyone has enough hair down there to shampoo.
Leo's right about the music though-- the last drunk makeout session I had was ruined by Cartman's version of "smack my bitch up".
I am not kidding
1. Leo is on the money; music/white noise is key.
2. Vanilla coke is sketch. Cranberry juice, OJ, and sprite should cover your bases. Wine can be more iffy, but if you do it right...you'll come off as classy.
3. Do more than "guy cleaning".
4. Clean and comfy sheets.
I went out with this guy who wanted to make out to Marilyn Manson.
No joke.
IMO you gotta stop planning and start doing things on the fly. Too much pressure if you plan everything out, what if something goes how you don't expect it?
it would take serious balls for a guy to play "fields of gold". i'd totally do him for the effort. haha.
in college, i made-out with a naked guy in my friends spa while it rained...
you're not missing much.
definitely shampoo down... there. nothing worse than a funky smell.
This post just kinda made my day. Really.
There's nothing like a good playlist to put on in the background, whether it's for hanging out, making out or, erm, other things. I was too awkward to make one for the bedroom, so my old roommate made one for me. It makes me laugh whenever we play it.
Amazing.
Hey, it worked didn't it??
LOL! Had no idea guys had it so tuff. All we have to do is turn up?
Fun story I tell every time I hear Fields of Gold, and which I totally would interrupt a make-out session to tell: when Michelle Kwan didn't win the gold medal in whatever Olympics that was, they did the exhibition skate after we all knew she lost, and it was to the song Fields of Gold. And we know she expected to win the gold medal, so it would have been nice, but she didn't win, so it was horrible and sad. And I cried.
And I'm so un-smooth, that I promise that if that were on a playlist, I would have stopped making out and told that pointless story.
soooo...
did it work?? :)
it is sort of refreshing to know that guys do the same thing.
i know mine does, but he's just one in the world of many.
there are some good guys left who try to make things "just right" i think thats awesome.
the crotch? for me its a goose/gander thing. men should shave it too. then youd really be thoughtful. lol.
LOL wanting-sex-stories are always funnier than actual sex stories...
but, fo real, dude, you should come to NYC. chicks here don't mind walking up to a cute guy and saying, "Hi, I'm Jocelyn. Wanna see what I look like with your dick in my mouth?"
(true story. proof of my wing woman skills.)
Diet Coke and Coldplay are eternal panty removers. Your welcome.
Norwegian wood is apt, considering, but there're just too many high-pitched whiny notes.
Leo's right though, you do need a chillax mix.
beer + portishead = done
hahaha did you really have this conversation? you're too funny. i don't really make out to music much :( not that i make out much either. i'm just saying in retrospect.. no chillax for me.
hahah! Awesome post. I stumbled on your blog from one of my friend's blogs. Love the male perspective and honesty. Also reminds me the time I tried the whole dating thing after I got out of a long-term relationship and the shenanigans I got into.
i dont understand this! why do guys have to make something so complicated? simple is better.
diet coke? ack. no diet in drinks. yucky. just be yourself and it'll all work it self out. what girls need music mixes to get in the mood? seriously. plus when you try too hard it shows.
Less is more is the goal, but sometimes a little extra effort is the difference between making out and making breakfast the next day. O
It also helps if you have some t-shirts around, so you don't get one of your favorites hijacked (I've lost far too many good t-shirts to bad girls).
Ah, Leo, always full of win.
BTW, passed you an award: http://nicopolitan.com/2009/01/real-life-lemonadereal-life-lemonade/
Wow. This is complicated stuff. Every time I read your blog, I am inclined to think that guys really do think. At least you do.
My bowchickawowow list has ColdPlay, Death Cab, John Mayer, some Eve6, and others that I can't think of now. It really came in handy once when the guy said "Ohwow, NOW I get your body is a wonder land. Dang, I didn't get John Mayer 'til now." He was probably totally lying/being sarcastic, but I took it as sexy and sincere :)
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
101st comment?!?! I don't think your ego needs to be tickled anymore. :)
But finally a man in the blogging world! How rare.
somehow these conversations never get old. We're leaning so much about you crazy boys. ;)
Leo and his unending wisdom.
I'm pretty sure my ideal playlist is a little too obvious, but background noise is essential.
And go for vanilla vodka and keep Coke, Diet and Sprite in the fridge- mixes with all three and variety in mixers is much cheaper than other options. For every supposedly universal "girl drink" you'll get 20 commenters professing to hate it.
So, what happened that night? Did you fill her up with vodka-diets and make out with her to a slow Beatles song?
Just found your blog. Luv it~
oh eheheheheheheh too funny! Wanna get laid easily FOOD and alcohol ALWAYS DOES THE TRICKS FOR MY FRIENDS ALWAYSSSS! lol
I'm just curious but isn't shampooing ones crotch the equivalent of normal personal hygiene? Or am I really missing out on something here?
Either way, I'm sorry your efforts didn't end with sexy time.
Citizen Cope.
That's the music.
Waaaaiiiit a second... I think I just discovered where I've been going wrong. Leo mentions some helpful hints on the type of music to have playing when she comes over. I guess it was a mistake on my part to have Die You Cheating Whore from Turd Burger on the iPod when the doorbell rang. My bad.
cheesedick. haha i'm officially addicted to your blog.
Leo is right though..."there's nothing more akward then a silent first make out"
hahaha, loved it.
as for grooming, cleaning, schmoozing... girls pull this stuff, too :D
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