I decided it would be best if I dropped my car off at home and pedaled my bike to her party.
The sole purpose being so I could get really drunk and not worry about driving home.
Doy.
Of course, there's nothing quite like making an entrance by strutting into a crowded room with a bike helmet under one arm with a Spongebob Squarepants sticker plastered to the front.
"Hey ladies."
The company at the party was a lot of fun. I ended up downing quite a few voda-crans and then joining in for a few group tequila shot rounds. Gotta get drunk and make friends sometimes.
Do you ever end up at a party and get stuck talking to someone extremely obnoxious? Someone who is way more drunk than you are? Yep, that was me toward the end of the night.
I somehow got stuck in the hallway entertaining this random party guest. My mind kept wandering and I kept fading in and out of the conversation. I think it's because she had this really high pitched voice and kept talking uncomfortably close to my face. For some reason, she felt that I was the best choice out of every person at the party with whom to have a conversation about her boy troubles with.
The only part I really remember her telling me was something about how this guy wasn't interested in her:
"And for some reason he just instantly shut off! I was like, "What the fuck?!" But then I discovered out he was a Libra and I'm a Leo, so I was like, DUH! Of course it was never going to work out! It totally made sense after that."
I smiled and nodded politely taking a sip off my alcoholic concoction, but really I was thinking:
"The reason why he didn't like you was because you're a screeching close-talker, who actually fucking believes in horoscopes."I eventually couldn't put up that charade any longer and excused myself to play some Rock Band 2. As the evening progressed, the more I became "that guy" at the party who hogs the Rock Band. At point, when someone wanted to hear AFI's "Girls Not Grey", I demanded that someone hold the microphone up to my mouth while I played guitar so I could do both.
95% singing on Hard difficulty and 90% guitar on Medium. No biggie.
...
I wonder if I'll ever meet a girl where I can say shit like that and it will impress her.
I'm not counting on it.
This is serious shit.When the party was winding down at around 2 or 3, I hopped (drunkenly) on my bike and put a call into Bree. She was fairly tipsy as well, but we had a pretty damn entertaining conversation for the remaining hour (or so) while I attempted to aim my bike straight riding home. So, even if she did read that post, I think I'm in a good place still.
We'll see.
* * *
It looks like I wasn't the only one experimenting with biking and boozing. A conversation with my friend Jack later that night:
So@24: So how was your night?
Jack: Pretty good. I'm pretty hammered right now though and I had to come home early to keep from going home with Ashley which was about the hardest thing I've had to do in awhile.
So@24: ...
Jack: So I chained my bike to my bookshelf to keep me from being a weak bastard and changing my mind and going over there.
So@24: That's about the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Jack: Well I'm into this other girl now and I don't want to blow it. So I called Ashley earlier today and broke it off.
So@24: Wait a fucking tick... you broke it off with this Ashley girl earlier today. You saw her at a party LATER that night and she still wanted to sleep with you?
Jack: Well. Yes I suppose, but it's not as weird as you're making it sound.
So@24: And you found it necessary to chain your bike up to keep you from having sex with this girl even though you JUST slept with her? That's like Odysseus ordering his men tie him to the mast of ship and to keep him from swimming to the Sirens.
Jack: That was LAST Friday. And I'm drunk.
So@24: I hate you.
71 comments:
I think I would be more impressed with your Spongebob Squarepants sticker on your bike helmet than your Rock Band prowess. Just sayin.'
*shrug* I'm impressed with your Rock Band skills. I'm also glad I'm not the only person who wears a helmet. My friends make fun of me. 5th grade flashbacks all over the place.
the spongebob sticker is effin' classic.
HAHA!! I fully understand that statement...the singing part is the impressive part bc it was on hard WITH the freaking guitar. You = Bad.Ass.
My skills are almost as good. HAHA!
uh.
Sorry.
I make fun of drunks on their bikes. I woulda laughed my face off. It would have been worth following you home.
Then, Jack could have had something to be mad at YOU for-- seeing as, once I'm THERE, I may as well come in! ;)
On the beach in Pensacola (my hometown), they actually have a drunk bike. You can ride it from bar to bar as long as you leave it where someone else can use it as well.
In some states, you can get arrested for DUI while riding a bicycle.
You should have drunk blogged. I'm disappointed.
forget horoscopes all you need is the love calculator.
www.lovecalculator.com duh.
and when i worked/lived on mackinac island my only form of transportation was my bike. BUI for the win!
Think about how many chicks you'd get if you had Pee Wee's bike...
When I lived at the beach here my main mode of transportation was my beach cruiser, so I'm well experienced with biking drunk. It's actually a lot more fun that it seems.
I had an experience with a guy mooning over a girl this past Friday night. A sort of ying to your yang. It was terribly annoying. If he'd cried I may have actually pointed and laughed. In public with strangers is not really the time or place to work out your feelings of an ex.
I don't know if I could ride a bike while drunk. I'd probably break my face.
Also - you should've told that girl that the unvierse would spontaneously combust if you get into long conversation with Leos... say you're an Astrology major. She'll have to believe you.
you can hog my rockband/2/GHWT all you want!
but i would suggest you not try to ride your bike to chicago that'd take too long. instead just fly and you can crash in the spare room :-)
*IF* your Bree read the post then hopefully she understands that your not a crazy person/stalker and that your a really awesome guy!!!
Yeah, I've said it before but I'm just going to say it again. I want to hang out with you and your friends one day. My desire to do so got even stronger when I read that you asked someone to hold the microphone for you. Wonderful!
i always get stuck talking with the most annoying people when im drunk and all i want to do it rub cake on the face. I can never seem to find cake at that moment though. Maybe thats a good thing.
hahahaha don't you just love being "that guy".
and for the record, it is possible to get a dui on a bike. just sayin. i mean, not that i would know anything about duis i mean cause i've never had one (ahem.....)
good thing you got home unscathed...well aside from the annoying girl.
Boys who ride bikes are sexy, SpongeBob or no.
Rock Band/2 is the greatest game ever!
I so would have loved watching you ride your bike (wearing your helmet!) drunk 'cause that sounds hilarious!
You're probably run me over.
I also yell for someone to hold the mic as I play guitar. :)
Regarding the picture:
That is *not* vodka. Nor is it cran. In fact, that swill is about as far from vodka as you can get.
For shame, bro. For shame.
I like Spongebob Squarepants. :-)
And kudos for riding your bike to the party rather than driving your car. Too many people these days take unnecessary risks.
Hey man there is nothing wrong with being into horoscopes.
I think I would die if I knew a guy had to lock up his bike so he would not be tempted to have sex with me. Talk about rejection!
That guy huh? Some girls just don't get it do they?! Good score at rockband! My friends and I love Rockband so we would have been impressed :) lol and must be nice that you live close enough to ride your bike. If I tried to ride a bike it would take me several hours and way to many hills! Thank goodness for DD's!!
Rockband is definitely the way to the ladies' hearts. Seriously. That's how I got my man ;)
Smart thinking on the drunk biking... In the past I've usually said to myself, "I'm not gonna drink that muuuch! I'll be fine if I drive." Cut to four hours later, to me screaming at a random blonde girl that she's pretty but I dislike her blondeness, or tallness. It's a wonder I'm alive today!
I like the way you rock that PBR. Embrace it.
We all know one bastard like that don't we? A guy who has so many poon choices he has to chain something to something else to keep from picking the wrong one.
I say the Spongebob sticker should attract the ladies.
Then again no ladies seem to like me in my Superman underoos. Probably doesn't help they don't want to see me without pants in the first place.
I think you should tell that girl Ashley what your friend Jack did, locking his bike and all.
Actually, nah, it wouldn't do any good. That probably would make her want to sleep with him more.
I know, some girls are just weird.
i don't get it. why couldn't he unlock his bike from the bookshelf? are bike locks that complicated nowadays?
I could totally out rock band you.
sometimes i can't walk while i'm drunk, i'm so impressed you rode a bike...and wore a helmet too. way to be cautious, haha.
I find it amazingly dangerous that you can ride your bike drunk :-)
Lmao.
Sounds like you're a rockstar at Rock Band. I've never played...still perfecting my Guitar Hero career status!
As long as you have the helmet under your arm, you may as well go for the whole look. Get some bike shorts and shave those legs. Always works for me! :)
You always have the funniest most entertaining stories. How the hell do you do that?
I think this entire post begs the question: Spongebob to boys what hello kitty is to girls?
Quite frankly, crazy drunken Rock Band hogging should melt the heart of any 20something girl. If not, do you really want her anyway?
P.S. That is the best photo of you to date.
Ok, I just discovered this blog and I love it. Were in similar boats...they're just rocking in slightly different ways, as I'm finally in a normal relationship at 24 and not quite sure how to handle it!
Just an observation...
It really must be better to mingle with conversation topics that the member of the opposite sex can relate to, ask them about themselves, or go off of something they say. I tend to do it. It works well.
Besides this girl being annoying.. she didn't stop talking about herself.
Was there someone else (multiple other girls) there to flirt with? A deep breath and baby steps...if you want to have options like Jack. Just keep flirting, just keep flirting. All girls aren't annoying like her!
And yay for the long convo with Bree SO :-)
(a) You're amazing and I'd totally be into any guy who walked in with a Spongebob bike helmet. Well... maybe not ANY guy.
(b) I wish that both women and men would learn that not everyone becomes more charming when they're drunk. Sometimes tipsy is enough.
(c) Jack's predicament did not seem odd to me in the slightest. In fact, it sounded very familiar.
If I get into a predicament like that Jack experience my life will be complete and I will have reached dating nirvana.
That is the most awesome picture in the history of time. Good call on riding the bike.
I was really hoping that "close-talker" link was a link to something about Seinfeld. Ah well. Can't win 'em all, I suppose. :)
Em
dude! i am duly impressed with your rockband prowess!
also, i can't believe chaining his bike up WORKED. if i am drunk and horny, i do things like unchain bikes.
there is no f'ing way I could ride a bike drunk, much less an HOUR'S long bike ride
I'd be in a ditch somewhere
I'm extremely impressed that you were able to ride your bike, talk on the phone, and actually find your way home while drunk. I have a hard enough time doing those three things sober.
I feel like you deserve an award.
I am totally impressed by your rock band status. You are a rock god!
Did you really walk into a party like that? Amazing!
Dude, Spongebob Squarepants is one of my favorite cartoons along with Peanuts. Please tell me you like Peanuts!
...And P to the S...that pic is fantastic...and it would have been perfect top say to the "close-talker" - dude I'm a Libra too...too bad - I thought it would have worked...and then immediately walk away briskly.
*and thanks for my wonderful comment.
Any girl who's not impressed by those Rock Band stats is a loser and not worth your time.
I would've kicked the dumb horoscope girl.
i still want to sleep with the last guy that broke it off with me. se4riously.
out of random curiosity, how do you handle/approach that each post you make will receive over 50 responses?
ps, i usually have the coffee lovers something... that's my faaave!
Whooooo! Rock Band 2! I only have Guitar Hero... I suck tho.
Drunk, bike riding, Rock Band, and an annoying woman...sounds like a fun night. And anybody who hates on Spongebob are not worthy of breathing air lol.
As a girl who regularly ends her Friday Night Alcoholathon playing RB2 with her friends, I can say that I would be impressed by such skillz.
I had a "friend" that I used to have to tow around from bar to bar, as she grew increasingly inebriated, that was not only a close-talker BUT a CRIER. Needless to say, this "friendship" didn't last too long, but I'm beginning to think that sobby drunky messes find their way to me far too often for my tastes.
I love the pic. You're cute! :)
(Umm, not that you read all these comments, but I thought I'd put my two cents in.)
Those are some impressive scores sir, I have to admit though..no on e likes a rock band hogger. But then again, when everyone's trashed then it's all good.
There's nothing cuter then Spongebob on your head...sexy sexy....
The acoustics of an empty PBR can are seriously underrated.
I think you are ready to move up to the 16 oz., though. You look ready.
Jeez--a Homer reference and a Seinfeld reference in the same entry? I'm starting to think that being a nice guy is your tragic flaw.
Also, I sent my dad a care package (herbal remedies) the other day and when I mentioned it in an e-mail I called it a "get-well-get-well-soon-we-want-you-to-get-well" package to which he replied,
"Thanks, Lainie."
We may be a few time zones apart, but Seinfeld will always bring a family together.
really? spongebob? do you EVEN watch spongebob? :)
Dude, I was totally thinking that Odysseus analogy right before you wrote it! Perfect.
Also I want to mention all of your sweet skills that you highlighted in this post:
1) Biking drunk while talking on the phone
2) Rock Band amazingness
3) Ditching screeching gypsies in the hall
Some might not consider #3 to be a skill but I most certainly do.
Who was the blonde chick in the picture playing guitar?
I could only see half her face but she didn't look bad at all.
You know you can still get a DUI on a bike, right? Better get a designated biker next time and take a seat on the handlebars.
omg that convo is hilarious!
So you opted for Drunk Biking instead of Drunk Driving?
I think it's just as dangerous!
i gave you an award today...
wow, i made 3 comments onto 1 of your posts --either i'm a stalker or your not posting enough...hrrmm
Lower your standards.You could have gone with the close talking Libra.
That is totally a Pabst Blue in your hand!
BTW, I'm impressed with your singing level skills, for whatever reason I suck at singing on Rock Band!
So...she (I assume it was a girl) held the mic when you asked? Why not ask her to hold something else while she's at it? You'll never know until you try. I bet Jack or Leo would try that one....
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