You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 3: The Profile Redux!

Hoo doggy.

Lemme tell you, it's a little overwhelming to wake up at 10:00 to a mailbox FULL of comments with readers' opinions on how to tweak a profile.

You guys didn't hold back and gave it to me straight. And for that, thank you!

Revision 1: The Part About Drinking

Also, apparently you guys think I'm a raging alchy. Huh. Which is fine, I guess. Just because I'm 25 and out of college doesn't mean I'm dead. However, I think that I mention booze a lot because:

1. It's easy to make self-deprecating jokes about getting hammered and
   
2. I've found that girls that like to drink are the ones who don't take themselves too seriously and are more outgoing. Maybe I'm full of shit?
   

But I toned it down! See below.

Revision 2: The F*cking Part About Offensive Swearing

That was just a miscommunication on my part as the blogger. I know better than to swear like a sailor when trying to put my best foot forward with the fairer sex. I do it on my blog a fair bit, but not on a public profile! The swearing that some of the confused readers read was just my personal commentary to YOU guys, not what I actually put on the profile. I made the changes on that post for clarity.

Revision 3: The Tagline

Thanks to those of you who shared my pain with me on this section. It's ridiculous how hard it is to think of something good. Most of you didn't like what I had before (although SOME did), so here is what I settled on:

"Finding the perfect girl is like finding the Indian with the shooting star on Tootsie Pop wrappers"

Revision 4: The Height Thing

A funny and interesting dynamic between male readers and female readers was exposed in this area. Most females told me to be straight up and honest (not even an inch!): I need to say 5'3".

The guys (all 3 of you) said that it was more beneficial for me to say 5'4"... giving me that crucial inch to bring the ladies a-runnin'.

I'll let you guys ponder about the reasons why that is...

I put 5'3". I didn't want to, but the people have spoken!

Revision 5: The Final Product

Alright here it is. I tried to take a little bit from everyone's comments to create the ultimate profile. Think of me as the Green Ranger busting out my badass flute and with everyone's help we put the final piece on the Online Dating Megazord.

Check it out and let me know what you think:

Hot Spots: I've developed an obsession with eating out at restaurants in Los Feliz. I haven't lived in Burbank very long, so I'm at a loss for "hot spots". As far as traveling outside of the US, I'd love to do it eventually it's just these pesky college loans

Religion: Atheist. Very respectful of others' beliefs as long as they aren't proselytizing.

For Fun: On weekends you'll catch me out laughing at some lame joke with my good friends. I may or may not be busting out a karaoke classic. However, a night in reading or watching a movie is never considered a wasted night. I am an MS Paint guru.

My Own Words: If someone would have told me 2 years ago I'd be sitting here stressing out about how to describe myself to AnonymousDatingSite.com, I would have taken their 8th rum & coke away.

But here I am times are a changin'. Online dating is the norm these days, I suppose! I have a close group of friends in LA, but I've found it's harder to meet new people outside of college.

For as long as I can remember, I always thought that 25 year old males lived in apartments with all black furniture, a mini bar, and glass coffee tables. Sexy cocktail parties would be frequent. How wrong I was. Maybe that's true for some, but not me.

Top Reasons to Consider Going Out With Me

* Ability to have a conversation without excessive use of the word "dude."
* Won't embarrass you in public. (*Actual results may vary.)
* Random quotes from obscure movies for every situation.
* I don't own sweatpants.
* You might as well get out of the house while waiting for the next season of "Grey's"

So, basically I'm looking to test the dating waters after a little bit of a layoff. If you've read this far, I already have a crush on you.

Drop me a line if you're interested. Thanks for reading!

So I guess I'm looking for someone attractive, funny and smart (Who isn't right? Just call me "Cap'n Cliche") for some interesting conversation. A great sense of humor is undervalued these days. Someone who is serious about her career, but won't shy away from spontaneously going out on a weeknight. A girl that can drop an old school Nickelodeon reference will always cause my heart to skip a beat. And a girl who enjoys naps. I love naps.

* * *

Okay! Round two! Thanks guys!


Next Post: The Profile Pic (this time for sure)

You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 2: The Profile

Alright, remember that part where I said I'd write 3 different options and then have everyone vote?

I realized that's a lot of fucking work. And I'm a lazy, lazy man.

Instead, I am just going to cut and paste what I've written and you give me feedback (after Leo has given it a quick once-over, of course). I know you guys well enough to know that you won't hold back. If there is something that stands out that makes me look like a fucking tool... tell me. If you think something is particularly witty, hey... we all love positive feedback!

On your mark. Get set. Let's rock this bitch.

But first let me grab my King Cobra. I don't know why I'm so nervous about this...

There's been a bit of confusion. I will designate everything I put in the profile in QUOTES. Everything else is just my commentary to you guys!

Part 1: Physical Appearance

Best Feature: They ask you what Your Best Feature is. Such an unfair question. I mean, I feel like a total douchebag for having to actually point this out. I do get compliments on my eyes, so I guess I'll go with that.

Really puts that classic blue bar in perspective, doesn't it?

I put "Eyes".

Height: Goddammit. I knew this question was coming. I really, really don't want to put 5'3". I mean, I can be 5'4" if I wear the right shoes... does that count??

Sigh.

I put "5'3""

Part 2: The Part About Drinking

I think it's bullshit that the only options they give are "Never", "Socially; 1 or 2 drinks", and "Regularly.

I certainly drink in social situations, but who only drinks 1 or 2?? Fucking liars, that's who. But if I put "Regularly", I look like a complete wineo. Thoughts?

I put "Social Drinker"

Part 3: Tagline

"It's tough out here, kids."

Part 4: About Me

"If someone would have told me 2 years ago I'd be sitting here stressing out about how to describe myself on a dating website, I would have taken their 8th rum & coke away.

But here I am. Times they are a changin'. My best friend and roommate ever since i moved to LA is traveling the world, so I thought this would be a good of an excuse as any to start meeting new people.

I'm always down to meet interesting and intelligent girls. A great sense of humor is undervalued these days. I'd like to meet a girl who is serious about her career, but won't shy away from spontaneously going out on a weeknight. Oh and naps. She must love naps.

This should be good enough for now, but I'll think of something really good (tolerable). I just need time!"

Part 5: For Fun

"Any Friday or Saturday night, you'll catch me at the bars laughing at some lame joke with my good friends. I may or may not be busting out a karaoke classic (not the cliche'd stuff either). I try to get in a game of soccer every once in awhile."

Part 6: Favorite Hot Spots

"I've developed an obsession with eating out at restaurants in Los Feliz. I'm a weekend warrior; I like to round up the troop and hit the bars. I haven't lived in Burbank very long, so I'm at a loss for "hot spots"."

Part 7: Favorite Things

Movies: Eternal Sunshine, Shawshank, Miyazaki films, Royal Tenenbaums, anything Pixar
TV: Freaks and Geeks, Adventures of Pete & Pete, Ghost Writer, Strangers w/ Candy
Music: Weezer, Decemberists, Beatles, embarassing old school punk
Last Read: Blankets. Picked it up as a recommendation from a friend and it blew my expecations. Quick read, I recommend it

* * *

Alright guys. Thar she be. Give it to me straight. You have some homework to do.




Next Post: The dreaded choosing which pictures you show off to the world.

You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 1: The Plunge

That's right.

I'm fucking doing it, mo fos.

A few reasons for taking that digital plunge:

1. My post
   
2. A recent flurry of friends and bloggers have been trying to convince me to do so
3. With Leo leaving, me moving... I'm in a weird state of ch-ch-changes. Maybe it's time to do something bold.
4. My friend Michelle called my ass out for "never taking any initiative" and "always waiting for the girls to come to me".
   
5. It has the potential to be hilarious, I could use the blogging fodder
6. I have more game online than I do in real life.
   
7. Besides, what kind of dating blog exists without the blogger going on a single date in almost 2 years?

I've been asking a lot of people their opinions on Online Dating. It seems to be the norm. Or at least normal, sane, attractive people are doing it.

Times are a changin'.
The cavemen clubbed their hunnies unconscious and drug them back to their bachelor pads.
The Ancient Greeks got all up in their lil slave boys.
Victorian gentlemen impressed the parents of their love with a dowry.
Then you had awkward fumblings in the back seat of a jalopy on Make Out Lane after a sock hop.
Psychedelic drugs helped things move along in the age of free love.

Now we have internet dating. Right? I mean... right?

I dunno though. I'm still embarrassed about this whole thing. I feel like an ashamed 12 year old who just discovered masturbation... trying to casually ask his buddies if they do it too.

Here's where I need your help!

I am going to dedicate a post to each question the dating site asks me to fill out.

I will post 3 possible answers I want to submit and have a vote as to which one should make the final cut.

Therefore, you'll be taking this awkward step with me. And if I fail, I can blame you. It's win win.

I thought it'd be fun and interactive step in the blog (much like Number Munchers in elementary school). If it turns out readers don't like this idea, I'll scrap it altogether.


So, will you help me?

Leo: Uncle Leo is intrigued, but a bit hesitant. It's like that super cute girl at the bar who is just a hair's breadth past "sexy" into "skanky". Could be fun. Or contagious.

Deep Thoughts in my Undies

Sunday afternoon I did absolutely nothing. I was a fucking slug.

The house was empty; not a roommate to be seen. The summer sun was cooking my yellow skin to an even finer yellow. I was baking like a toasted cheeser.

I didn't bother to get dressed. I planted myself on the living room couch in my boxers and spent hours cruising through the entire series of Freaks and Geeks.

And I thought to myself:

This would be a lot more fun if there was a girl in a tank top and underwear combo sitting here sweating with me.

So, is she cute or what?

So@24: Well, what do you think Paxty? Is she cute?
Paxty: I wouldn't mind if you spent half the energy trying to fuck her as you're going to spend trying to convince other people that she's hot.

Facebook Stalking? Never! Ok, that's a lie. But I'm alright with that.

Is it so wrong that when I see a cute girl, I automatically search for her profile on Facebook?

Or what about utilizing that (often dreaded) "Friends You May Know" application? Is it so wrong that my interest piques if I see a cute girl who is a UW alumus, lives in Manhattan Beach, and we have 31 friends in common?

I know for a fact that I'm not the only person to do this or at least have this train of thought. I am going to make the bold claim that a large majority of my fellow peers Facebook stalk. It's the fastest way and most effective way to get that quick information about a girl. Bam! Bam! Bam!

Is she cute? At least from these pictures. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and chalk that trucker hat pic up to the half empty half g of cheap vodka.
Is she single? Sweet.
Favorite music? Oh fuck yeah, she likes The Decemberists!
Favorite activities? I don't agree with her "Sex & the City nights with the girls" policy, but I do like her "napping" policy.

Hey! Will you look at that; she's friends with my ol' frat bro Troggy! Maybe he can put in a good word?

Now look me in my blogging eyes and tell me I'm the only person that does this! I'm not saying I'd go as far as to have the balls to just randomly "Friend Request" a complete stranger. But I don't think there's anything wrong with doing a little homework.

Maybe this is what it's come to. Maybe this is how people get dates these days?

The "scene" is not like it was 50 years ago. And this isn't just about dating, but a means of social interaction in general. Think about it. We're not like our grandfathers who stop off at the local watering hole with buddies after work to sling a few drinks before heading home.

Instead, we're sending out shitty evites decorated with shitty clip art.

I don't particularly like the rules, but I'm coming to realize that maybe it's time that I played by them. Maybe it's time that I lose my iron grip on the door frame and admit that, yeah... it's how people are doing it these days.

Ideally, I'd still like to say I met my next girlfriend (as Leo put it) when we locked eyes while crossing paths on a hike up Mt. Kilimanjaro...

But maybe the next one will come from me clicking on Blankets and seeing which attractive girls in my area also appreciate its genius...

The Next Line I'm Going to Test Out

"Hey girl. Wanna go halfsies on a baby?""

A Tale of Two Parties

A different sort of mentality begins to take over the single guy, almost instantly when the relationship ends. At least, it did for me.

It happens slowly at first, but that darkness starts to sweep over like the symbiote suit in Spider-Man. I've discussed the matter before, but it's been awhile and I'd like to do so in depth.

This is the issue of Girl/Guy Ratio at parties.

W-w-what's come over me??

One of my LA friends had one last hurrah before he took off for grad school in Chicago. Of course, our usual entourage of friends (made up of all dudes) were present. My friend Michelle lovingly calls us "Penisville".

So I crack a couple beers, make some dick jokes with the same guys who have heard the same dick jokes I told the last time we had a party, and after a bit I look up to see if there is someone new I should be socializing with.

The apartment was packed. Two coolers full of beer and not an end in sight. And 2 girls.

...


I hate being that guy. I really do. I hated those guys when I was in a committed relationship. I used to tell the "cockfest" whiners to shut the hell up and enjoy the time you're having with your boys. Easier said for someone like me who knew who I was going home with at the end of the night.

Now being on the other end, I admit that I was actually getting... kind of... well, pissed about the situation. I was THAT kid and I was embarrassed by it, but if I was honest with myself... it's who I have become. I glared at my friends with laser eyes, cackling over their beers, and thought to myself, "Come on, fellas! We're not complete tools! We're not that sore on the eyes! All of our powers combined, NONE of us can come up with any friends who are female??"

I bring Jenny whenever I can, but I can't be expected to deliver the goods every time!

* * *

Fast forward to last Saturday. My friend Veronica had her friends gather at a bar in Venice. The night as a whole wasn't anything out-of-this-world, spectacular by any means. But it was fun and a lot more enjoyable than the previous "AnotherWordforPenis + AnotherWordforGathering".

And I'm going to make the bold claim, in that it was because there was a handful of girls present.

I'm not saying that hanging out with your best guy friends is anything to bitch about. I'll guzzle a 12 pack of cheap beer and geek out to Bloodsport with my guy friends and have it be an absolute blast.

But just having a different dynamic is refreshing. These girls don't even need to be anyone that I'd be interested in or even try to get on. It's not even about the possibility of anything happening at the end of the night. Girls bring on a different element to a party. Variety is the spice of life.

Case in point.

Getting back from Veronica's party, I got a drunk dial from Lisa.

That's right. 1/2 of team UCLA Hunnies. Fuck. Yes.

She wanted to hang out with us. The planets must have been aligned because Leo was all for the reunion.

There was no chance that either of us were going to pursue anything sexually with our lil' drunkard. We wanted her to hang out purely for entertainment value; the kind of entertainment that can only come from an inebriated female.

Leo and I stifled our laughter as we listened to Lisa go on about how great her ass is and how tiny her feet are. In the middle of her story and her request for top ramen with eggs, she passed out on the kitchen table.

With that, Leo retreated to his room. I lead her to my bed and lent her my favorite soccer shorts (she would have been content being spread eagle in her jean skirt, but I thought she would regret it later). I grabbed my spare blanket and headed for the couch.

Girls. Fucking entertaining.

SM Looking for SWF err... Roommate

With Leo taking off for his adventure overseas in a few weeks and Leroy moving in with his girlfriend, I needed to find a new place to live.

And fast.

What better place to go than to turn to everyone's favorite roommate search site... ye olde' Craigslist.

I know that I want to live with girls. As I've mentioned before, before I moved to Los Angeles, 90% of my friends were female in college (big fucking surprise, I'm sure). Besides, girl roommates must have GIRL FRIENDS right?? Yep, my mind immediately went to that... not gonna lie.

Scouring the "Roommate Wanted" section, I found a few promising ads. I smirked, cracked my knuckles and pounded out an email within a few short minutes.

And then I read what I had written. And then panicked.

How do you respond to a "roommate wanted" ad to girls (as a male) and not have it sound like a Singles Ad? What I had just written is EXACTLY something I'd write if I ever went down the path of online dating.

No matter what, you come out as sounding really awkward. But then again, it's Craigslist. Hell, I might as well write, "I promise to never try on your undies when you are out" and I'd come off as Prince Charming.

At some point when writing these things, you have to just bite the bullet and hit "Send" without second guessing yourself.

Here is the final product. If any girl responds to this, it'll be a goddamn miracle.

Hello there 2 professional, hard-working girls in their 20's!

Just came across your ad on Craigslist and it looks absolutely ideal. I am currently living in Korea Town with two of my friends, but alas... the band is splitting up and therefore I am looking to move around September.

I am a 25 year old male and I am a {names some dope ass job where it sounds like I make a lot of money} working at {names some dope ass company that makes me look like I have social status}. It's difficult to go about this and not sound like a response to a Singles Ad, but I'm a college grad with a BA from the University of Washington and have been living in Los Angeles for 3 years. I don't do drugs, but I do socially drink. I don't own a single animal.

The location, price and arrangement sounds perfect for what I'm looking for. I'd love to hear back from you both! And if you'd like, feel free to contact me if you'd like to get a better sense of who I am via my facebook or something (sigh).

Best,
So@24

Another Post Referencing The Wonder Twins

** I recommend you don't read further if you're not into The Wonder Twins or sickening saccharine flirtation. Yes. This is another entry that is chock-full of both.

Violet: You can be my Wonder Twin. You would turn into water and I would turn into the animal.
So@24: Why do you get to be the animal??
Violet: Because the girl turns into animals.
So@24: Power of... STEAM!
Violet: What would happen if you turned into a puddle and I drank you? Would you die?
So@24: I'd probably turn into beads of sweat on your body.
Violet: Would you like that?
So@24: It'd be the closest I've been to a woman's body in years.
Violet: How can you stand it??
So@24: I use my humor to mask my pain.


If you take anything away from this conversation, it is these points.

1. Apparently my "game" exists only on the internet.
2. My little heart flutters for girls who just might be as toolish as me.
3. I am probably the only person in the world to use a Hanna Barbera cartoon as a means of sexual innuendo.




* I reference the Wonder Twins in another post here.

Operation Branch Out

Searching through my gchat archives, I found a conversation between my roommate Leo and myself shortly after my breakup with Lynn.

I was cracking up in my lil' cubicle. Here's hoping you'll do the same.

* * *

February 21st, 2007

Leo: Well, I didn't want to have to do this but...

-walks over to map of the world, pulls down on cord-
-flipFLAPLFAPLFAP... reveals war-map of Los Angeles-

Leo: Operation Branch Out is hereby deployed

-pushes figurines into place-

.... As you can see, our location has changed
So@24: -nervously pulls off infantry helmet and holds in hands-

-hastily tries to fix hair-

So@24: Thanks for having me, General.
Leo: Evening, Private. You got here just in time.

-smacks pointer against map-

So@24: -flinches-
Leo: We've been getting unconfirmed reports from the western conflict zone of sightings of three regiments of Puhsee. While we can't substantiate these rumors, we have no other intel at this time to act upon.
So@24: -pulls out dusty, crumpled notepad from breast pocket and a tiny nub of pencil.- -Begins writing furiously-
Leo: It's long been known that the Western Front is rift with these elusive squadrons of Puhsee. Finding thing them isn't necessarily the hard part. Bringing them down is.
So@24: Goddamn those fucking Puhsees.
Leo: So let's go over our options. SO@24! Whattya got for me on the potential inroads to the Western zone??
So@24: N-n-n-nothing, sir. We haven't had any sighting or promising locales for months now.
Leo: ... I beg your pardon?

-strides up to Pvt. So@24, gets nose to nose-

Goddammit, that's not an acceptable answer.

-spit flies from mouth-

So@24: Flushing these Puhsees isn't easy, sir. Men have been trying to do so since the dawn of time, but these Puhsees have proven to be quite elusive and they're very hard to penetrate. So to speak.
Leo: -pulls up on pants from belt, leans back and inhales deeply-
What was our last known contact from the west?
So@24: That one is long gone sir. We monitored and had that particular Puhsee for a record of 6 years. But we lost it sir, we lost it. Since then, no potentials or anything promising. My squadron doesn't know what to do. My men are DYING out there, sir. DYING.
Leo: Do we have any leads anywhere on the western front that could just lead us to a potential hot zone?
So@24: We haven't really "branched out" sir. We have set up our camps in zones that are familiar to us. All the Puhsee have been accounted for and are either under the supervision of another squadron or they are just too dilapidated to waste any of our resources on.
Leo: It's going to be a long, dry summer...
So@24: That's what we're afraid of, sir.
Leo: JOHNSON! Bring me the intel on the East LA whorehouses.

-Johnson turns to leave-

WAIT!

-cue music... low snare drum march-

So@24: -gulp-
Whorehouses, sir?
Leo: - piccolo flutes chime in, a light and triumphant melody-
East LA...

-pacing-

Leo: Yes... yes if we.. just maybe...
So@24: Do we have any contacts out in East LA sir? What Puhsee are you thinking of??
Leo: Quite a while ago there was a skirmish, nothing substantial, but a skirmish nonetheless...
A contingent of our men happened across a camp of Puhsee under the command of M. Jeggs The other Puhsee that this Jeggs brought to the battlefield was formidable, but they were young, impressionable...
Leo: green.
Leo: and pink, of course.
Leo: Perhaps avenues can be made along those lines...
So@24: I had high hopes for our informant one L. Eslie. I had high hopes that she would guide our troops to Puhsee known only as (Name of Soap Opera Celeb Redacted). Our last sting operation was almost blown, but I believe that this message posted on MySpace by (NOSOCR) confirms that there still might be a chance for a meeting of storts to take place.
Leo: You shoot for the top, Private. I like that in a soldier.
I'm placing you with sole responsibility of this Operation Puhsee (NOSOCR). Make it happen.
So@24: If we are unable top capture (NOSOCR) herself as she is a high ranking official, I still have faith that she can also lead us to others Puhsee.
Leo: The clock is ticking. I want an operation this weekend.
So@24: T-t-this weekend, sir?

-fumbles helmet in hand-
-takes a step forward-

That's not much time, sir. Surely you don't expect us to pull off an operation of this magnitude so soon!
Leo: Tide and tide wait for no man, Private. The board is set. The pieces are moving.
So@24: Sir...

-musters up courage-

I strongly suggest you reconsider your orders. Being too persistent under such stringent deadlines will almost inevitably blow our sting with this particular contact. I'll send one message, but if we do not hear a reply, I'm afraid I'll have to pull our troops back to high ground.
Leo: Then I suggest you get on it, Private.
Dismissed.
So@24: -salutes, puts helmet back on head-
-helmet slumps over, covering eyes-
-turns on heel, marches, runs into wall-
Leo: Goddammit, Private So@24. The door is to your right.

-opens flask, takes a swig-
-grimaces-

So@24: Yes sir. Of course sir.

-quickly opens door and closes it... it's the closet-

Leo: You just earned yourself duty time cleaning the deck. Report upstairs immediately.
So@24: -opens door, a pink bra is on top of the helmet-
Yes sir. Sorry sir!
Leo: Uh Private? On your head...please leave that in the close. It's uh... for... evidence... exhibits for trail...

-mumble-

personal intel recon sit...-rep...data

-mumble-

Moves Make the Man

So@24: One of my classic moves in college was finding a random girl at a party, licking my thumb and rubbing it across her forehead.

And then I'd go, "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimba."

Jack: How that didn't get you laid is beyond me.

Masochism at its Worst: Falling for Flirty Girls

I have a detrimental pattern that I can trace back to my very first crush. I thought this was something I, alone, had a problem with. But a conversation with a friend over the weekend made me realize that this isn't the case; it's a problem for other guys too.

The masochistic pattern is falling for the overly flirty girl.

Well no shit, So. Everyone also likes ice cream. And a person who flirts with them.

Okay. Fine. But my point is that there are a small band of us who have this cycle of actually falling for the same type of girl... the type of girl who never actually intends to reciprocate.

We're idiots. We're that little Pomeranian you can punt across the lawn and it'll come yapping back ready for more! Or better yet, you can even compare us to Charlie Brown and Lucy pulling away the goddamn football every goddamn time.

I feel your pain, Chuck.

In any case, there's kicking of some sorts involved.

It's extremely difficult to break this vicious cycle. You can't help what you find attractive; there's something electrifying when a girl singles you out (no matter how brief) and laughs at your jokes or hooks an arm around you or sends you an ambiguous text message. It's addicting, we crave it and we'll make up excuses to allow it to continue.

And every time one of these types flirts with us, we foolishly think that we're special. We're unique. Why do we do that?

Even though I know her history of leaving men in a trail of bloody, heart-juice... it doesn't mean shit. We think that "we're the one that was able to tame"

"Come on," we think. "She can't be acting this way to EVERYONE."

But let's be honest with ourselves. That's mostly the case.

I always wonder who these types eventually settle down with. What was their courtship ritual with the guy they end up in a relationship with? Is it the same method of sickeningly, blatant flirtation? Do they eventually reach that point where they end up being the antelope instead of the jaguar?

How can guys like myself rewire ourselves? We're conditioned to take signs of flirtation and translate it to "this girl has an interest in me romantically". Otherwise, how else are you EVER supposed to know if a girl likes you?

More importantly, how can you change your thought process to not be smitten with these girls who delight in making fruit smoothies out of our guts?

A Farewell to Leo: the Best Worst Wingman Ever

I wanted to save this entry for when it got a little closer to the time, but I've been receiving quite a few emails and comments asking about my roommate Leo's departure. So I guess now is a good of time as any.

Leo has decided that he needs a break from Los Angeles and, like most people around this age, is embarking on a quest of "who am I" by traveling to Europe for a few months. He's leaving in a few short weeks.

When he first told me of his plans, my initial reaction was anger. But after a cool off period, it was much like Teddy and Michelle in that episode "The Long Goodbye".

Watch 1:53 - 2:30

You really find out who your friends are when going through a tumultuous breakup. There comes a point where even your close friends get sick of hearing your Dashboard Confessional-esque rants. But Leo was there every step of the way like a goddamn champ. Helped me sleep. Kept my drunk ass off from making that "ex"phone call. Made me go out and socialize when I wanted to be left alone to pine for my ex.

In every group of friends, I have a theory that there is always one designated person who I call "The Organizer". This is your go-to for making plans for the group, sending out invites, generally... getting social shit done. Nothing would ever happen without these people.

I never really relied on a person like this until I became single. But I swear to you, any bachelor needs to have a friend like Leo. That one guy you rely on to bring a satisfactory amount of girls to a party with a single, mass group-text message.

Although that charming mother fucker is the worst wingman of all time, he's the Yin to my Yang. I play the sensitive teddy bear with 80% of my strictly platonic friends being female; he plays the cavalier, playboy with his list of hook up buddies. While he's shuffling off some random hook up out the door dressed only in a ratty t-shirt and Ugg boots, I'm still sawing logs, spooning a pillow and singing Bobby Darrin's ""Mr. Lonely".

He's the first person I go to when I need to vent about my plights with the fairer sex. I depend on him to provide me a view from a completely different angle. He's there to call me out on my shit. When I'm getting too vulnerable and floating inches above ground with tiny pink hearts popping like bubbles above my head, he's there casually checking his watch and yanking me by the collar... bring me back down to Earth.

When girls drive me to the point that cause that cartoon thermometer to pop above my head and explode mercury all over the place, he's there to remind me:

"You aren't an isolated case, So. It's what every male has to deal with. And people wonder how I became to cynical."

I'm going to miss his advice and anecdotes that put issues like dating into perspective.

I'm going to learn to not depend on his flirty texts to bring all the girls' milkshakes to the yard.

I'm going to learn to tackle the dating scene alone and without the insight of my best friend that I've come to rely on since Day 1 of my dating adventures.

Taken from the Archives Pt. 4

Caitlin shared with with me an old abandon blog she once had years ago. A LiveJournal.

This got me thinking back to a blog, I too, kept on LiveJournal before turning to blogger.

I had totally forgotten about it. Finding that link and opening it back up was the equivalent to some shitty 80's adventure movie where the shaggy haired boy in a striped shirt blows the dust off "The Book of Dreams".

Some of the entries, I keep in a section of the blog called "Taken from the Archives".

I posted below an exchange that Leo and I had awhile back. I got a chuckle out of it... it has to do with our very different approaches to women and dating:

January 19th, 2007

So@24: "Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."

Leo: blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he is a pussy unable to have the balls to pursue what he desires.
- macbeth

Zombie Love

** I recommend you don't read further if you're not into zombies or gratuitous flirtation. Yes. This entry is chock-full of both.

Violet: So, I'm really afraid that if there were a zombie apocalypse, that you would be eaten. Right away.
So@24: Nuts to you. I've already planned what I'd do if there was an attack.
Violet: Really??
So@24: Doy. You have to.
Violet: What's your plan?
So@24: Gotta get to water. Take the back roads to Santa Monica... the freeways will be jammed. If I can, pick up the roommates. Hijack a boat.
Violet: Hahaha! The idea of your hijacking anything!
So@24: What?? I'm from the streets, girl.
Violet: You're from Washington.
So@24: The STREETS of Washington!
Violet: Yeah. My point exactly.
So@24: Why do you think I'd be toast anyway?
Violet: I just feel like you have this big squishy heart that would be so overwhelmed by seeing friends or family or coworkers going zombie, that you give in the sadness would over come you
So@24: You only know blog So. I'm bad ass. What about you??
Violet: I would become a silent killer, stalking the woods... people would eventually hire me to kill problem zombies.
So@24: I don't think you have the killer instinct in you. You're too shy.
Violet: Shy has nothing to do with it. I'll be a lot of serial killers were "shy". I have never been hunting, but I would learn very quickly. Zombies aren't human anymore, they're vermin.
So@24: I can't believe you'd live out in the woods. So rookie. Zombies could be lurking anywhere, you're a sitting duck.
Violet: Yeah, only if you take a defensive approach... we all know that I'm a little too hungry to kill, for that. Obviously you have doubts in my abilities, but that's okay. I'll make you a believer.
So@24: Are you going to hunt me?
Violet: Of course not! Unless you want me to...
So@24: Dammit. I was just going to say that. You took my opportunity for a smooth line.
Violet: Hey, you gotta think fast
So@24: Gotta think fast if you're going to kill zombies for profit. I can think of a great movie poster for this.
Violet: Oh1 It would be so awesome! I can just imagine it! Somehow I think yours would be more Army of Darkness style
So@24: EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING!
Violet: I have to iron out the details. But I would look really bad ass. Hair would be longer and blowing in the wind. My clothes would be torn too and I would have long, dangley earrings. They're a hazard, but I like to take risks!
So@24: I'll be shirtless except for a couple of straps crossed over my chest in an X shape that have grenades lining them. You have to be looking up at me longingly.
Violet: What you need is a beautiful woman with tons of cleavage who is hanging onto your left leg, but obviously I can't be her because I'm far too empowered for such a demeaning role.
Violet: Okay, maybe if I have a rocket launcher over my shoulder.
So@24: Hey. It's MY fantasy poster, I GET to make up the rules! You can have a knife in your mouth.
Violet: You are cracking me up! Okay okay, I'll do whatever you want.
So@24: Okay fine... an AK.
Violet: You are such a delight.




Nothing quite the sensation of having a girl who can keep up and can make you laugh out loud in your cube.

What Can You REALLY Do with Pinwheels?

"Okay. I just told my dad I needed tampons."
"You do? Now??"
"No! I just said that so we can take a couple shots before we head down to 6 Man."
"What are we, 14?"
"It's awkward to take shots in front of your parents. I know, I'm a bitch."

And thus started my Saturday morning.

My friend Tina invited me down to join her in Manhattan Beach for its infamous 6 Man Volleyball Tournament.

Simply stated, 6 Man is a huge tournament where teams dress up in costumes. The best way to experience it is through pictures, so if you're really curious... go here.

It's

absolutely

fucking

ridiculous.

The beach is packed shoulder to shoulder. Sponsored tents outline the volleyball courts. Bikini-clad waifs are taking pulls of smuggled vodka by means of a Nalgene while chasing with some knock off-brand energy drink. Muscle heads in tank tops were wheeling giant sub woofers that would eventually blast Will Smith's Miami at any given time.

I know I've used this metaphor in a previous entry, but it's absolutely necessary I use it again: this scene was a cliche' straight out of a teen sex comedy. As Tina and I stepped onto the sand, it took everything in me not to spin around a la' Mary Tyler Moore.

I'm gonna make it after allllll!

It's every single guy's dream, right?

Well. Kinda.

I'm not complaining about the eye candy; if there's one thing Manhattan Beach can guarantee it's a plethora of beautiful girls wearing enormous sunglasses. And with a huge event like 6 Man, they instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. There wasn't a second where I wasn't being shoved and smashed up against some lithe bod where perfect breasts were at my eye level (ahh, that brought me back to my middle school dances).

But after about 10 mins., it got... well... kinda boring. I'm not quite sure how to describe my feeling at the time, but I got... bitter or frustrated or maybe some combination of both? Maybe the vodka wore off, but I don't believe that I am the only single male to have this feeling in a similar circumstance. It's weird, that I had this kind of pissed off feeling coming out of nowhere. It was just TOO much of a good thing with no realistic end in sight.

Alright yeah, this girl's cute. That girl's pretty hot. That cute girl just asked her hot friend if Nabokov wrote Lolita she remembered to Tivo ThatOneRetardedRealityTVShow.

You can stand on the beach and "check out" these girls for hours, if you really wanted to. But then what? Whatever really ever comes from it? Am I ever going to get a chance to playfully debate which Pixar movie is the best? Or be in a situation in the future where they make me laugh?

Pinwheels are pretty fucking sweet. For about 5 seconds. But then what?

Weeeeeeeeeeee! ... ... Huh.

Is It Ever Ok to Hit on a Waitress?

I met up with my dear friend Chardsy for a couple of drinks after work.

Immediately after being seated, I gave that preliminary "potential" scan that I've become all to familiar with since being single. Any potential, single girl you might encounter in any social setting, you have to give a once over. It's like when the doctor hits that exact spot on your knee and you kick involuntarily... you just have to do it.

She was cute. Short, long brown hair, and Buddy Holly-esque glasses. And I swear that she was smiling back at me whenever I sneaked a glance. Oh God. Do all guys think that all girls are smiling at them and that means something? Fuck.

I ordered Chards and I a round of beers. After a few sips I asked her:

So@24: So what do you think of our waitress?
Chards: Huh?
So@24: Our waitress! Cute, right?
Chards: Oh yeah. She's cute.

I sat back in my seat and mulled over the situation for a moment.

So@24: So what can someone do in this situation?
Chards: What situation?
So@24: Me! Here! Now! A cute waitress! There's nothing I can do, right??
Chards: Absolutely not. You never ask out a waitress.
So@24: Really? Never?
Chards: Never.

She was right. I mean, really... what can you do?

Eventually everyone paid their checks. At the top of my bill were the scribbled words "Thank you! :) ".

I try my best to casually glance over at the other two bills. Nothing. Blank. Mine was the only one that our cute waitress had written on!

She wrote "Thank you! Smiley face!" On MY bill! No one else's!

...

This is when reality grabbed me by my collar and yanked my ass back down. At this moment, I took a beat, stared blankly ahead and thought:

Holy shit, So. Has it really come to this?