What Single Guys Talk About

Leo: Between this week mauling me as if I were a cornered bunny and the fact that I just read about 3 blogs whose female authors apprently cannot go 24 hours without getting slammed, I'm getting wasted tonight. Certain as the dawn.
Oh. And you should have sex with that one girl.
So@24: You have to have an erection to have sex. That much I do remember.
Leo: Are you kidding me?? She's decently cute! Nice body!
So@24: She doesn't get the blood flowin' in the right places, 'know what I mean?
Leo: Dude. Alcohol. Nectar of the Gods has good effects on the body and mind. Penis goes in hole, out of hole. Repeat. Rinse (literally). Politely kick out door.
So@24: I was hammered at the party and I was still not even considering it. Not even when she came BACK after dropping her friend off.
Leo: I think your libido has seriously wandered into the woods and died.
Leo: 10,000 years from now it'll appear, strangely preserved, at the bottom of a glacier during a particularly warm spring. Someone will stumble across the carcass. It'll be on the cover of National Geographic.
Leo: Wait. She came back?
So@24: Yep.
Leo: Oh fuck. Really.
So@24: -chews on straw piece-
Yeeeeeeeeeup.
-spits in spittoon-

Lloyd Dobler is Dead

The Chapter of Beth has come to a close in the Tome of So@24.

Nope. I didn't fly to Portland to meet her.

Nope. That conversation never really took place.

It looks like my large boombox (with "In Your Eyes" on repeat), trench coat, and high tops will have to be dusted off for another day.



It seems bizarre to me that a conversation of this magnitude would be held over AOL's Instant Messenger, but knowing Beth and knowing that she has a terrible history of confronting anything real or substantial.

Over our usual IM conversations, she informed me that she got a day off work so that I could afford a trip up. But she was quick to point out that she didn't see the purpose in talking face to face because "it wouldn't change anything"(seriously, Beth? Seriously?).

I'll spare you the entire dialog, but here are some of the highlights of the conversation:

Beth: There are important aspects of your life I can't ignore and I wouldn't want to chance our possible relationship on those. It's been really confusing and not knowing what to do. I just wish things were different.
Beth: There was a point where I was like, "f it" and just take the plunge, putting it all out on the table and seeing if we could make something happen. But we can't do it, it wouldn't work, it'd be disastrous.

Trust me when I say that even getting THIS much out of this girl is like Anne Sullivan's breakthrough with Helen Keller in the Miracle Worker. Even though her conversation is mostly made up of the most frustrating, vague cliche's that would leave any person to walk away from that conversation scratching their head like a chimpanzee. I guess beggars can't be choosers.


So the conclusion? Nothing.

I'm not losing sleep over this, nor am I pining about "what could be"? With a long enough gap of never addressing things has a direct effect how how much I care. All I wanted to do was to figure out what was going on, why we did couple-y shit, and what she thought it all meant.

If anything this is a lesson learned in the Land of Singledom:

It's not worth the time and effort to try and convince someone to talk about romantic issues if they're fighting tooth and nail (wouldn't she want to if she felt it was important?). I've just grown jaded and tired of the whole situation. It shouldn't be this much of an uphill fight.

She's still my friend.

But the dynamics will certainly change next time we visit each other. I'm going to make it mandatory that we sew ourselves in burlap sleeping bags like in Civil War time.

Being a Dick Can Be Fun!

Janice's MySpace comment:

I miss the way you used to leave me good comments.

:(

So@24's MySpace comment back:

I was trying to feel you up at the time, remember?

Lunch w/ Lynn Pt. 2

** This is a continuation from a previous entry

This entry is sure to ruffle some feathers, I'm sure. However, I wanted to elaborate more on the interactions that took place when Lynn came and hung out after our lunch.

For the most part, Lynn was quiet. Understandable, seeing as this is the first time she has been around my friend since the breakup. But I admired that fact that she is very much aware that she was the one who broke up with me and was the variable that made me an emotional emo wreck for an entire calendar year... and now she was stepping back into the lion's den. She knew there might be some shit-talking going around.

During lunch, she vocalized and admitted she was intimidated by Leo and was aware that she was the butt of jokes. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, she was afraid she'd say something "stupid" around him and she often would.

When we were in the living room talking, there was a feeling that brewed deep in the pit of my stomach that I hadn't felt in a long time. Lynn tried to contribute to the conversations, but there was definitely hostility in the air; like someone had plucked an opposition dandelion and blew. I was very much aware of it... and I didn't like it. I got that weird pit in my stomach that I used to get whenever she was around my friends when we were dating.

This was the first time Lynn had met my friend Veronica. And she didn't hold back on giving me her honest opinion:

Veronica: Do you think you foresee hanging out with Lynn more often?
So@24: We're both very conscious that we need to be careful about it. So have we planned anything? No. But I'm sure next time I'll drive down to see her and hang out with her friends next time Veronica: I'm sure Leo will be more than fine with that. Why would he be gunning to have her around if she's... well, like she was yesterday all the time. Seemingly bored and sour.

It should be noted that she been criticized numerous times for her "not-so-cheery" expression when in actuality, she's just contently listening, which can come off as "bored" or "stern". It never bothered me and I never really took note of it, but almost everyone I know has commented on it to her. She's extremely self conscious about it.

I could feel my face get hot. She had mentioned other things, comments that Leo, Paxton and Michael said... that weren't very positive about my ex.

I know we aren't together anymore, but does that mean I shouldn't care? But I'm aware and can admit that I get defensive for her still, just like I did when we dated. I feel bad that she tries and it was history repeating itself all over again.

She was a very important and influential person to me for six years of my life. I think I'm allowed to have this not sit well with me.

Lunch with Lynn

I wake up on Sunday morning in a sweaty panic and immediately reached for my phone. A text from Lynn:

"I'm running a little late, I'll be there at 1:00".

Whew. That gives me time to scrub the hangover off me.

The party before was a big success. Nothing really noteworthy took place. Except I think I tried to hit on a girl by telling her over and over again, "You totally look like Lisa Loeb." Smooth, So, smooth.

Chicks love that shit.

I start to clean the destruction from the party and check my watch about 100Xs waiting for her arrival.

As I'm carrying a pitcher full of left over beer, a familiar face shines in the doorway.

Lynn hands me my painting and we hug. I give her the grand tour of the house (she had never seen it since I moved), she pops into Leo's room and says "hello".

"He hasn't changed a bit," she smiles.

We're both starving and we drive to The Alcove, one of my favorite places for Sunday lunch. An outdoor cafe with sandwiches, soups, etc. We grab a table outside and start catching up. There is never an awkward pause and we laugh and joke just like we always used to. She reaches over to pick some fries off my plate and I instinctively grab some of her orange juice. It's like nothing has changed.

So Alcovey.

But a wind eventually picks up and soon the heat lamps aren't doing a damn thing. We decide to head back to the house. I'm surprised that she wants to stay instead of just take off. So we sit in the living room (her on one couch, I'm on another) and I show her some new songs I've been wanting to show her.

"I'm really glad we can do this. Is it weird?"
"No, not as much as you think it would be. I'm really happy we can do this too."

But at some point we talk about what it's like to be single and the weirdness. It's almost as if I'm coaching her on what it's like and how to survive it. If you were have told me a year ago I'd be in this position, I would have told you to fuck yourself. The passage of time really has an amazing impact.

Leo, Michael, Paxton, and Veronica all came back from lunch and joined us in the living room. Again, I thought that Lynn would be uncomfortable and leave, but she stuck around and braved the unusual circumstances like a champ. I moved and sat next to her to make room for everyone.

The act of sitting next to her on a couch gave me a funny feeling. Normally, I would have just pulled her next to me, or held her hand, or something else along those lines. The best way I can describe the afternoon was being conscious and fighting off those instincts. I think I actually folded my hands in my lap.

She had a long drive ahead of her and some things to take care of, so she got up and had to go. I lead her outside, we hugged and I told her how to get back to the freeway.

Leo: I think that you're at a point where nostalgia has worn off, and while you certainly feel the pang for someone to lie next to (don't we all), I think she is no longer "that someone" on your mind. Long and the short -- clear sailing ahead... the storm has finally dipped below the horizon behind you. Out of sight.

"This isn't Leo"

Swilling beers last night, I scrolled through my cellphone to look for people I might have missed inviting to the kegger we're hosting on Saturday.

I came across a couple of names, whom I haven't seen for quite sometime.

You remember them, right? See? Of course you do!

I sent them both a text, "Long time no see! You guys interested in a reunion on Saturday??"

A few seconds later, my cellphone was buzzing around on my beer-soaked hardwood floor.

"Very interested! We miss you guys!"

Then, a few minutes later, an unexpected phone call from this girl. I can tell I'm going to have to yell for this conversation, she's in a bar or some party where the booze is flowing.

So@24: Hey! So you're coming on Saturday!
Ann: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yes! I fucking can't wait. ... No no no, put it on my card. Put it on my card.

Jesus. She's smashed. Why am I not surprised? ... Awesome!

So@24: Can't wait to see you guys, it's been too long.
Ann: Is this the cutie??

What the fuck? Cutie? This is unexpected. Ohhhh, I see the mistake here.

So@24: Leo? You must mean Leo! This is So@24!
Ann: I know who this is! The CUTIE! ... don't take my drink, I'm still drinking it.
So@24: This isn't Leo! You're talking about L-E-O!
Ann: I'm talking about the cute boy! I know who I'm talking to. Don't you think I know that I'm talking to a cute boy?
So@24: Right. Hey, I'll give you a call tomorrow to give you the details!

I hang up trying to hide my smile. It's comforting to know some things never changed. That girl was shitfaced on a Thursday.

Leo: Who the fuck was that?
So@24: No one. Don't worry about it.

No More Pussyfootin'

The past two days have been... interesting.

The past two days I have been in intense discussions with Beth about discussing the letter.

As I had already predicted, she was hesitant to discuss it... thought it would be more appropriate to discuss in person rather than IM. Which is completely understandable. Finally sweeping out years of history from under the rug is pretty significant.

However, the weeks have been rolling on and still no definite plans were being made to meet to have this Armageddon conversation.

It finally reached a boiling point on Tuesday and I told her that this conversation needed to happen and I wasn't going to sit around to wait until the flood water to rise above my head. No more pussyfooting. It's time for us to be adults and finally point out the fucking elephant in the goddamn living room that has been freeloading and eating all my Funyuns for the last few years.

Let me express that my goal of this conversation isn't to get some definitive answer from her like, "what are we" but to finally address the weird, fuzzy haze between friends and couple-y shit that goes on. And if we're going to be just friends... to be JUST friends. Which I am 100% okay with.

Our conversation Tuesday ended rather rough/abruptly (angry, IM convos... brings me back to my middle school days, if you'll excuse me, I got some "Dookie" to play). Her last line to me was, "You know if we do this, no one is for us".

An interesting thought. Which she is right about. Considering all the drama that has circled us for years, a lot of the people who have witnessed our tango would disapprove. Which got me wondering, how important IS it to have your friends give their 100% approval? I mean, at 25 years old, does it really matter? What happens if there is a family started with this particular girl? Is it going to matter if my old college drinking buddy Steve doesn't like her?

I digress.

I was about to dust my hands of the entire thing on Tuesday. It really made me miss the security of being in that 6 year relationship. I never had to deal with this wishy-washy bullshit. I knew where I stood and everything was black and white. Fuck, I miss that. All this waiting and confusion doesn't sit well with me.

And then yesterday morning, someone suddenly had a change of heart. I got a "I want you to come to Portland".

This talk is finally going to happen once and for all.

Err.

I think.

Starting Over at 25?

Today I turn a year older. And hopefully, a year wiser.

My weekend in Seattle was an absolute blast. So many people came out to celebrate that I haven't seen since my college days. I'll give you the quick Reader's Digest version of the weekend.

Because, well... alcohol tends to make you forget shit.

• 3 shots of Admiral Nelson rum (they don't sell you in LA, how I've missed you), 1 shot of Patron, 1 Crown and Coke, 1 Rum and Coke, 2 Touchdowns, 1 Jaeger (or as I say, "yay!-ger") shot will make for a time traveling adventure.
• Although this hasn't been confirmed yet, I have that "deep in my gut" feeling that I blatantly and shamelessly hit on my high school/college friend Melissa. Lord knows what the consisted of. Gotta play to win.
• It's official. The last time my genitalia has made contact with another genitalia was when I was 23.
• I felt like when I was at the bar, I was walking around like The Terminator at the beginning of the second movie. Remember when he's at the biker bar trying to find clothes to wear that will fit him and he's analyzing every person he comes across with his infrared scanner? That was like me. Except with girls.

• Lynn emailed me on Sunday wishing me a happy birthday and wanting to meet up so she could give me my gift. She wants to come visit soon, I said we'd talk sometime this week to set something up. Are you ready for that situation, Leo ol' buddy ol' pal?
• Never met up with Beth. She was in Tacoma all weekend, not Seattle. Neither of us had cars.

I think I'm still hung over.

I'm celebrating with my Los Angeles comrades this Saturday. Time and tide wait for no man.

Man Shoes

Although I've discussed my problem before with clothing, it came up again in conversation last night with one of my friends whom I haven't spoken to for quite sometime.

I have a terrible sense of style. All the clothes I own are purchased by my cousin Mimi. We have a sweet deal set up ever since high school. I throw her a couple hundred every couple of months, when she finds some great deal on some great clothes... she sends them down to me.

She likes to shop. I like to not look like a total tool in public arenas. It's win win.

It's a lot more difficult when she's not here to give me tips. I never know what to wear out for what occasion. Do I roll the sleeves up to my elbow or do I leave it rolled just before the wrist? See? Shit like this actually comes up! I have no fucking clue!

Conversation like this make my head spin and it's during this time I miss the comforts of having a girl with you who didn't give two shits what you wore.

I never had to worry about things like this before.

Melissa: What are you even doing at work still on Valentine's Day? Shouldn't you be schmoozing Hollywood style? I imagine you in a suit holding a champagne flute!
So@24: Hahaha! Not quite.
Melissa: How do you dress? I really think it's knowing what you got and dressing right for your height! Makes a big difference.
Melissa: Do you have good shoes?
So@24: Shoes?? Um... I have my Chuck Taylors?
Melissa: Those are good for casual or work, but what about "man shoes" for going out?
So@24: Oh no. I guess I don't have any good shoes. Does it really make a difference?
Melissa: Well it helps and of course the rest of the outfit. Do you have a blazer?
So@24: A blazer?? What the fuck. Where do all these rules come from!?
Melissa: These are basic attractive man qualities. At least for first impressions.
So@24: I think if I wore a blazer and nice shoes, I'd look like a ventriloquist dummy.

Tool.

Melissa: Well So@24, they have to fit you right and obviously you have to feel good in them.
So@24: Ho boy.
Melissa: Good shoes are key. With a blazer. You'll look like a grown up.
Melissa: And you can even wear a fun graphic tee under the blazer, just as long as it's not too cheesy. And I stress this... it HAS to fit you right! Could you wear something like this?
So@24: I'd feel embarrassed that I was trying so hard to look cool. But I guess if that's what it takes these days... I gotta sacrifice the pride.
Melissa: Girls will look at you differently if you put a little effort into it. Try this one too.
So@24: You've certainly given me lots to think about.
Melissa: Just ideas! That's all, nothing to take too seriously.

Leo and Jack Talk V Day

This gChat conversation was too good not to post. It was one between my roommate Leo and my friend Jack.

Although this isn't MY take on Valentine's Day, it does fit the theme for the blog because it IS an insight to a single male's mentality re: this very coupley day.

A different spin on things from a (very) different perspective.

Enjoy.

* * *

Jack: I'm serious, I'm not going out tonight. I got home at 3:00 last night, I feel like a meth addict.
Leo: I wanted to talk to you about that...

-walks over to sidetable, picks up crystal tumbler of whiskey-

Drink?
Alrighty then.
Jack: -coughs into fist-
-notes blood-
Leo: You know what I love about Valentine's Day? I'll tell you what I love about Valentine's Day. The total and utter lack of Valentines.
Jack: -turns to audience "Here we go folks" -
Leo: I love that it's perhaps the most volatile day for singles... the crushing expectations, the relentless reminder that you. are. alone. It does odd things to people-- the meek are emboldened, the demure turn debaucherous. Wanton hedonism spurned on by the pressures of a love-lorn holiday.

Girls by the bushel looking to find solace with an intriguing stranger... some kind of proxy for what this day reminds them they lack.

-sips whiskey-
-stares out window at setting sun, eyes narrow, smile creeps across face-

[in a whisper] Come sundown, they'll be out in droves. Seeping out across the city like a wonderful plague.

-looks down into glass-
You get your rest now, Clarice. Fly fly fly... ... fly fly fly...

How I Spent My Valentine's Day

Beth: I'm bored. Know what we should do?
So@24: What?
Beth: Get red or pink construction paper, staple two pieces together and make Valentine's Day mailboxes!
So@24: We'll tape them to our desks! I actually have some right here. Dammit, I wish I would have thought of this earlier... it's 2:00 already!
Beth: Just like second grade.
So@24: I'm doing it right now.
Beth: And when people come to talk to us, just keep on smiling really wide and then they talk, just eyeball the envelope over and over.

This is my actual creation hanging outside my cube. Taken via cellphone

My boss put in a Valentine shortly after...

"Thanks for making me go to this 2:30 meeting. You rock."

And then I sent one to Beth.


And a text from Leo: Happy Valentines Day, mancrushes. Here's to getting drunk tonight.



Happy VDay to all my fellow single-ites!

To those of you who have significant others...

Suck it.

And yes, I am crossing my arms over my crotch just like the professional wrestlers.

Being Nice Doesn't Necessarily Mean Interest, So Why Does It Feel That Way?

D asked:

Is there a girl in your world who's not on the main stage, but that you've got a thing for that's never been expressed? Like a coffee girl, or someone you see in your neighborhood...someone you don't know at all, but you notice? If so...why haven't you broken the ice?

First off, I don't really frequent places outside of my house and work (God, what's happened to me...). The only woman in my neighborhood is "Crazy Asian Lady". She wears the same moo moo day in and day out and a large floppy pink visor she picked up at the local AM/PM. She wanders up and down the streets at night with her mangy dog, peering into parked cars with her trusty mag light.

She's consistent to coming to our porch the Sunday after a huge party and yells in terribly cliche'd broken english that the noise our parties produce are "ree-deek-er-ous" and asks "what's with all da hur-a-bur-oo??".

I think that means "ridiculous" and "hullabaloo", respectively.

I usually stare at her blankly for a few sounds, tell her I can't hear her and shut the door before my hangover gets the best of me and I cover my porch in a mixture of stomach acid, Miller High Life, and Sun Chips.

I digress. This isn't about Crazy Asian Lady. This is a blog about a theory on being single.

So these little crushes or "potentials" (as I have started to refer them as) don't really last very long if they do, in fact, ever exist. The one thing about females that I completely respect, is that for the most part, they are quick to let you know if they have any interest at all. So my theory usually is:

a. They don't have interest or
b. They have boyfriends.

The most recent story I can think of is that girl "C" who wrote me an email not too long ago.

I'll admit. I cyberstalked (c'mon, who doesn't these days??). And randomly enough, Facebook told me that she went to the same college as me AND happened to be friends with TWO of my friends (one of them happened to be my friend Rick).

So we emailed back and forth a couple more times joking about this random connection, caught each other up on who we are, what we do, etc. Just friendly email, chit chat.

She was cute, she knew my friends (Rick! Put in a good word for me!), we went to the same University. The email strings were War and Peace-esque, which we joked about. This isn't to say I was head-over-heels, giddy with excitement or any close to. But I have to admit that my initial thoughts as a single guy was "Holy shit. This really cute girl is actually paying attention to me. She's interested in what I have to say. She's writing back long emails! So this is how it works!"

Of course, later in our emails exchanges I find she has a long term boyfriend. Which made me reflect on how your mind thinks different when you're single. I don't want to be one of those guys who thinks that every girl who gives him the time of day automatically has interest. It's absolutely absurd, considering that I have TONS of friends who are girls (yes, I believe girls and guys can strictly be friends).

But when I was dating Lynn, if any girl talked to me or was particularly nice I never thought twice about it. They were just friendly, everyone likes meeting new friends. However, I think when you're single, your eyebrows suddenly raise at the potential, positive opportunities that you come across.

1. Cute?
2. Smart?
3. Funny?
4. And she's talking to ME?
   

When all these components add up like the Wonder Twins' rings, "Wonder Twin Powers ACTIVATE!", I automatically assume that "I'm in! I have a chance! She's actually interested!"

Power of SealTheDeal!!

And for the record, I definitely didn't think she was leading me on or ANYthing underhanded. Member of the opposite sex CAN be friendly without it suddenly meaning that they want to jump your bones.

I never had this mindset before when I was in a relationship. But I wonder, why does the mentality of the single guy automatically turn to that?

The Plot Thickens

So.

She got it.

She read it.

But she'd like to discuss it by means other than IM. Which is understandable, it's what I wanted to do initially. I'd rather have this type of conversation where I can physically look across the table at someone.

We started to get into it, but we stopped ourselves from diving in too quickly over the computer. She said something that definitely made me stumble back like King Hippo in Mike Tyson's Punch Out (too nerdy of a reference for you? Alright moving on).


Beth: I think that I put it out there when you and Lynn broke up and I got pushed away rather harshly. That's a lot of the reason I jumped in with Rich [shitty couple #2].
So@24: What do you mean?
Beth: Like calling you everyday. Texting. Emailing. And nothing back from you.
Beth: One day you texted me, "What do you want me to do? I'm trying to get my girlfriend back."

I didn't remember that I had done this until she mentioned it. But it was like a cartoony light bulb suddenly lit over my head, generated too much energy, and then the glass burst leaving a cracked, blackened bulb with smoke trailing into the air.


What is it about going through a breakup that makes you completely oblivious to the world around you? Your only focus is on what's going on with your soon-to-be ex, everything else seems to be insignificant and trivial.

Apparently my horse blinders were on and I didn't even think twice about Beth during that tumultuous time. Maybe I should have?


Oh. Did I mention that Mimi surprised me and is flying me up to Seattle this weekend to celebrate my birthday? Apparently there is quite the list of attendees going to be able to come out and celebrate the day I emerged from the womb.

Did I mention Beth will be up in Seattle?

...


Hmmm.

This Is Why I Crush

I've read studies that show that guys are NOT attracted to "funny" girls; girls who can make you laugh, chuckle, slap your knee, etc.

I never got that. A girl who can crack me up always gets high marks (even more so if she laughs at MY jokes). Humor is the most attractive quality to me; hook line and sinker. Whoa, two references where I place myself as a fish... what does that say about how I view myself?

Beth: Go to this.
So@24: ???
Beth: I said that to you in our night in Portland!
So@24: Oh yeah!
Beth: Jerk.
So@24: Well what did we walk in between? You say that when you're holding hands with someone and something comes in between you two that breaks the link.
Beth: You don't remember anything ever.
So@24: Yes I do! I think we just remember different stuff. I always think I remember more than you.
Beth: Dream away, Lover Boy.
So@24: You'll be eating those words soon enough. Just wait til you get my letter, then you'll be eating those words soon enough. I put it in a cool envelope too, you can't miss it.
Beth: What is it? Does it say something googly? What does it say?
So@24: What does that mean?
Beth: Googly. Moosh cake factory. Is it going to make me cry? I'm not reading it.
So@24: Yes you are. You are going to read it. It's going to be a serious problem producing a child if you can't handle "moosh cake factory"
Beth: It's that kind of mooshy!? Porno mooshy?
So@24: Yes, Beth. I sent you a porno letter in a Nickelodeon-esque type envelope. Aren't you excited?
Beth: I don't even know how to answer that one to be honest. I think one of my fantasies might be to one day do the deed on a big orange couch. I cannot lie about that.
Beth: Excuse me, "the" big orange couch.
So@24: I don't think I've ever been more turned on by you in all the years I've known you as I am now.

Home girl knows the way to my heart. I'm such a sucker.

Filling in That Blank Spot

I got an unexpected email from Lynn yesterday morning:

Just letting you know that I've made good on your painting that I promised you. But, you get it for your birthday so you'll have to wait! It's a small painting, like 12 x 16 maybe? But yeah, I like it alot and so you should feel honored that I am willing to part with it and give it to you :)

Thanks SO SO SO much for your help! I really appreciate it, and I know you helped me tweak them a lot for the better. I will keep you posted on what happens next.

Hope you had a good weekend.

- L

Lynn is applying for grad schools and I offered to look over her essays a few months ago. She has never been the strongest writer, so I actually used to do this for her all the time both in high school and college. I tweaked them, added notes, and sent them back to her. It was no big deal, I was happy to help.

Last night, as I tucked a bookmark into my Greek mythology book, I looked around my bedroom for a place to put this painting.

There's a blank spot on my wall, right above my television, where a Spirited Away poster once occupied. You can still see the tacs in the wall that held it in place, with pieces of the corners of the poster still stuck underneath.

Most couples find something that's "theirs": a band, a song, a movie, a restaurant, etc. Miyazaki movies, especially this one in particular, was ours. I haven't watched them any of them since and I can be honest with myself when I say that I still don't think I'm quite ready to.

One night, when I staggered home from the bars wasted off my pathetic ass, I ripped down that poster while a dangerous mixture of whiskey, anger and emo-ness brewed in me. I didn't want to be reminded of it or of her and that poster wasn't helping. It was coming down.

But as I sat in bed last night staring at that blank spot on my wall, I thought that this would be a perfect spot for her painting. I'm in a different place now. And it feels good.

I Can't Be Sexy

So@24: My fortune cookies says that I am "open and honest with my philosophy on love"
Beth: Bow chicka bow wow
So@24: That's the first thing you thought of? Wtf!?
Beth: I imagined you in a satin red button up shirt that showed your chest hair. On a big red heart pillow.
So@24: Do I have an ice bucket with a bottle of champagne? Does the heart shaped bed have a coin slot on the side so it can vibrate?
Beth: Hell yes. And your disco ball has a subtle spin. I can hear Barry White's soothing voice filling the room.
So@24: I imagine you opening the door, but you're carrying 3 bags of heavy groceries, a winter jacket in jeans and a scarf.

"What the hell is this? Knock it off and help me carry these groceries in."

Beth: That's exactly how it would be. Except now I'm thinking your satin shirt would be a satin robe. The kind that cuts off before the knee.
So@24: Then the record scratches and Barry would be interrupted.

"You know you're cleaning up these petals you dumped all over the floor, right?"
"Oh. Uh. Of course."

Beth: hahahaha!

Email from a Reader

Occasionally, I'm lucky enough to receive an email to my StartingOver@24 account. I always find myself amazed at how many people can relate the circumstances/musings that I write about and decide to take the time to actually sit down and write me an email. I'm flattered that these emails often spill to me (someone who you know only as two letters, an @ sign, and two numbers) some of their most intimate details of past relationships, horror stories on dating, etc.

So let me a moment to say "thank you" to all who have taken time to write.

An email I received not too long ago really struck me (more specifically her second to last paragraph) and I thought I'd share. Maybe because the circumstances are eerily similar to mine.

So@24,

I found you through my friend's blog. You'd written a comment on her PI Blog, but I saw the name and I just had to write.

6 years is a lot longer than 4. But I had a boyfriend all through my undergrad at UW and the summer after we graduated, was moving to California and we were going to break up.

I haven't gotten far enough into your blog to figure out why you and your girl split, but just your title: Starting Over at 24...Wow. It just made me think of when I started over at 22.

Being a girl, I assumed I would eventually marry that guy I had grown up with, fallen in love with, practically lived with for 4 years. Getting back to the scene was both the most liberating and scariest thing I've ever done.

I'm living in San Francisco now, and dating here is nonexistent. At least, I haven't been able to figure out the lingo in relation to the Seattle scene. You said to Jeanna that the Seattle scene seemed easier than LA; I think California in general is nearly impossible to "date" someone. I feel like, everyone sleeps together and drinks together but they never really get to know anyone?

All right. You probably get mail like this every day from silly girls who read your blog and fall in love with your sentiments. I just wanted to say that, I think it's great your documenting your journey. Reflecting on who you meet, what you see, how you feel is such a great way to actually fall in love again.

I wish you the best. And I'll keep reading about your adventures, if you don't mind.

- C

Sealed. Stamped. Sent.

Hungover as all hell from the night before, Jack, Leo and I all went to eat at The House of Breakfast Sunday morning.

We did the usual banter, trying to piece together the events from the night, and eventually the conversation came over to me.

Jack: So what's going on with Beth? What are you doing about that?

I shoved a forkful of cheese omelet in my mouth. "I don't know what I'm going to do yet."

Silence. Then the sound of silverware scraping breakfast plates.

I took a moment to think about what I was going to do: she was actually the one who suggested we "get all our feelings out", so my visiting her in Portland wouldn't have been some sneak attack out of a cliche' romance movie. We discussed me taking a trip up there, but my gut feeling told me that getting everything out in on paper would be better than me nervously trying to remember everything I have been wanting to say for all these years.

Besides. I'm broke. And I'm not a patient man.

"Leo. I need your computer for about an hour."
"I can accommodate that."

So at approximately 11:10 PM, I cracked my knuckles, Leo closed the door and proceeded to type the biggest free write I've ever experienced (my freshman English teachers would be proud).

After about an hour and a half and seven pages later, I stretched and sighed. That's it. That's everything I've ever wanted to say starting from day one. Six years of history all in one Word document. Everything was out on the table. And let me tell you, it felt damn good and liberating. And at the end I wrote, "I think we've hit a crossroads. If we're just friends, we need to be just friends like normal people. No more of these weird signals we both keep sending. We've allowed it to go on for years and we need to figure out what we want to do now."

And honestly, the outcome could go either way and I'm satisfied. Ignorance is certainly not bliss in this case. I've been in the dark for too long now.

I bought a book of stamps this morning, licked the envelope and tossed it in the "outgoing" mail before I wussed out.

-dusts hands-

That Green Eyed Guy

I can be honest with myself and know that I am not the jealous type. In fact, when I was dating Lynn, she used to complain that I wasn't.

One example that comes to mind is the fraternity dances that I'd take her to. Guys would hit on her mercilessly and she'd awkwardly converse with them, but shoot me looks over their shoulder begging, "Help me!" And I'd laugh. She'd politely find a way to end the conversation and come over to me, laugh, and playfully punch me in the arm, berating me for putting her in that position. I always thought it was hilarious and never got jealous of this. It was one of my favorite little games to play with her.

Lynn and I never got into arguments regarding issues of me being jealous. I was secure knowing that I was the only one in her eyes and at the end of the night, she was going back with me under my arm.

So when that green eyed monster comes rearing his ugly head, it weirds me out and I hate it. It's not like me and I can't think of being in a worse situation. I'm not used to having this "unsure" feeling; it's something entirely new to me. I guess that's inevitable when you're shoved into singledom for the first time in a long time.

* * *

I signed up for a program with Southwest Airlines to send me notices if there are any cheap deals to Portland from Los Angeles. Yesterday, I got an email and was conversing with Beth while looking up flight information. But something during our conversation made me click that little red box in the upper right corner of the screen before confirming my flight.

So@24: Well, it's Friday. What are you up to tonight?
Beth: Nothing. Oh wait, I'm going to shave Eddie's beard.
So@24: Cute.
Beth: Cute like a pony or something? I don't know what you think it "cute" these days.
So@24: I didn't realize he was still in the picture. What's your guys' deal now? The last time you ever mentioned Eddie was when you guys had that talk.
Beth: Yeah, so?
So@24: Well. What happened? He said he wanted you two to be more than friends, you said "no" and then what? Everything remained normal?
Beth: This is the first night that we're actually going to be "hanging out" since then. His buddies are going to be there too.
So@24: And you're going to shave his beard?
Beth: Yup. It's not a big deal. At least I hope not.
So@24: Lynn used to shave my face all the time. It was one of her favorite things to do actually. She'd get pissed if she was around and caught me shaving. She'd run into the bathroom and be like, "What are you doing!? No! You know I like to do it!" I always thought she was a weirdo for wanting to shave my face, but there you have it.
Beth: Really?
So@24: Yup.
Beth: She'd shave you?
So@24: For some reason, she liked to.
Beth: Well, it's more of a joke.
So@24: I see.
Beth: I will not actually be touching a razor unless it is to shave myself. Especially now that I will be thinking about you and Lynn making it a romantic, enchanted moment.
So@24: Shaving someone seems like a girlfriend/boyfriend thing... at least to me. Maybe since that's what I used to do with my girlfriend. Maybe I need a second opinion on the matter.

Of course, we switch subjects, go onto talk about something else. She needs to take off for work and ends with:

Beth: Next time I talk to you, have me sing you the "Sleepy Time" song my dad used to sing to me and my brother.
Beth: Our kids are going to HATE it.

When she first mentioned shaving this guy Eddie (with whom they obviously have a history), my face instantly turned hot and the best way I can describe how I felt wasn't necessarily "jealousy", but more embarrassment. This is not me. I don't feel this way. I never act this way.

Maybe I'm over reacting, but if I was secure in knowing what the fuck was going on in that head of her's, I'm sure I'd be as cool as a cucumber.

I suppose that's what I need to get used to being single. It almost seems inevitable. Or maybe it's because I'm becoming involved with a carrot dangler.





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Now playing: Bad Religion - Sorrow

Andy's Text

As I've stated before, I have a unique and rare relationship with my ex's mother. We keep in touch on occasion, she likes to know what's going on in my life, my career, if there are any movies I should recommend for her, etc. Always light hearted and jokey; she's really like a kid herself.

Last night as I was meeting a friend for dinner, I got a text from Andy randomly (she'll do that from time to time):

Andy's text: Hey! Where are all the girls?
So@24's text: Haha. What girls??
Andy's text: Anybody who takes the chance to talk to you or get to know you will see the best things about you. Someone will find out about you even if it isn't happening right away. You will be surprised. You just can't be so shy. Believe me, I know.

It was a really nice text from her and I definitely stopped walking to reread it again. Her and I rarely get into "serious" discussions like this. I think the last semi-serious discussion we got into was about the real meaning of the Beatle's song "Norwegian Wood" (dude, the guy burns the girl's house down at the end because she won't sleep with him).

I wonder what inspired her to write that? Where did it come from?





Sidenote: This entry made me crack up in my little cube today. Can you see where she's talking about me? It should be a pretty easy find.