I'm a pack rat for all things that will tie me to some memory of the past. And it used to irritate the hell out of my old roommate Leo. When he'd help me load milk crates of my possessions during a move, he'd pick every single thing apart.
Leo: Okay, why in God's name do you have this?
So@24: That's a squirt gun my first crush in 4th grade used to spray me
Leo: I can't believe you still have this old picture of you and I. Did we really think it was acceptable to wear socks with our Samba sandals?
So@24: It's memories, man.
Leo: Oh fuck! What the hell is this??
So@24: It's a piece of a gingerbread house Lynn and I made once.
Leo: Dude. Throw this away.
So@24: No. Memories.
I'm the guy who stays in constant contact with his elementary school friends. I hate the idea of people who were once close just forgetting each other because of time. It's always been a quirk of mine that's very distinctive to me.
* * *
When I was at Chardy's party, I was anxiously awaiting another incoming drunk text from Dizzy. My cellphone beeped at me, declaring that the "Inbox was Full". I felt it was a good of time as any to clear out the bad boy.
I came toward the end of my list, I found a text message from a number I didn't recognize. A 503 area code. Well, that could have been anyone from my hometown. It was from the beginning of the year, a really nice text which is probably why I had such a difficult time deleting it:
hey you. it was great seeing you, i'm only sad that you live so far. miss you.
"Huh," my drunk ass thought to myself. "Who the hell is this?" I couldn't for the life of me figure out who it could be. So naturally, I texted the number:
Who the hell is this?
I never got a response back. But my goldfish memory didn't think twice about it for the remainder of the night. I was too busy making an ass out of myself (via text) to Dizzy anyway.
* * *
The mystery would not be solved until the next morning. I awoke to the sun piercing through my blinds disturbing my dull hangover and my cellphone vibrating on my chest
1 text message from the mystery number:
beth.
Goddammit, So@24. The answer was so clear in hindsight; I just haven't thought about Beth in "for. ev. er." (said like Michael "Squints" Palledorus). I had deleted her from my contacts after our last encounter and never looked back. But her number was saved due to an old forgotten text message I saved this whole time.
I took a moment to just think.
My friend once told me of this "Bucket Theory". I'll butcher it I'm sure, but basically it states that everyone is essentially a bucket filled with liquid. It takes a little bit of our liquid to be friends with people in our lives. We give our liquid, our friends take our liquid; it's a balance.
Unfortunately, there are those people we let enter our circle who take more liquid than give of their own and it never balances out. This is when you need to let these people go.
This is especially hard for me, keeping in mind my personality and how much I like to value memories and the past.
I took it a step further. This is something that I need to get used to; something that becomes normal in the dating world. You can't always stay friends with everyone who meant something to you at some point. Sometimes it fades for reasons out of your control and you're doing a disservice to yourself by hoping things will turn around.
It's interesting to go back and think about my time with Beth. We had some great times; she was extremely important at a point in my life... there was time when I thought that she would be my next relationship. But when you grow up, your friends need to be more than just the kid down the street who also an unnatural obsession with Army Ants. It has to be something more. Beth took and never gave.
People have learned how to do this before during the crucial dating years. It's nothing new to people my age, it's what you just do. You can date someone and share some pretty fucking intimate moments, say some pretty fucking intimate things, but something goes wrong and you might never speak to that person again. I guess this is something I'm just getting used to now. I can't always hold on for holding on's sake.
It took me awhile to really think about what I wanted to say back. I didn't want her to think I wanted to reconnect or that I was extending the olive branch. But I also didn't want to come off as a total dick. I ultimately decided on this:
Sorry, I was clearing out my inbox and didn't recognize the number.
Hope things are well.
Hope things are well.
I hit send and deleted that old text message. I doubt I'll hear from her again.
I let her go.
65 comments:
i am SO nostalgia's bitch.
i liked this post because i could really relate to it. i don't know what that says about us but i think it means we are both big sappy-heads.
Oh. Wow. I was taking a break from writing exam crap and reading your post was... touching. I've always tried to avoid cheese as much as possible, but strangely this post hit me.
Yet your posts never fail to put a smile on all of our faces. Drunk texting is a real bitch!
Ughhh...nostalgia.
I too, have a very tough time getting rid of things with even the slightest memorable value to me. Shit I have a hard time getting rid of a sweater I wore in the 7th grade!
I dont mind a little nostalgia. I think that is why I am borderline obsessed with taking pictures. That and watching reruns of I love lucy.....
Ohhh, it's so comforting to know there are fellas out there who remember every little detail, hoard crap, and try to stay connected to anyone they've ever had a connection with too.
After reading through the "our last encounter" though, I think you totally did the right thing. It will suck a** to let that go, but you've gotta start taking care of you sometime.
I totally understand where you're coming from on this one.
I have one friendship that I am grappling with at the moment. This person has been my friends since grade 1, thats for 18 years, and there was an incident and now i'm tossing up whether to try and mend things with her ( although the apologising and mending would need to come from her mostly ) or to just take a breath and let her go...
It kind of sucks, but i'm thinking its probably not worth the hassle of trying to keep her in my life.
Jason is a packrat. Most days, I try to throw away at least one thing to see if he'll notice. Albeit, most of these things are McDonald's receipts from 2005 or business cards from door-to-door salespeople that we were never interested in.
As for the Beth scenario (I had to read back...I'm newish), cripes. What a person to drunk text!
I am a pack rat when it comes to memories too. I just recently cleaned some out in fact. Usually I keep them in hat boxes and shoeboxes (yes, as in plual). Always made for fun times whenever I was moving (which was a LOT) and I would yell to my brother "watch the MEMORIES." Then, one time he dumped them and I cried "NOT THE MEMORIES". Pretty dramatic.
I'm a pack rat too.. except if whatever I'm holding on to brings up memories I don't want to deal with I promptly chuck it.
i liked this one. nicely done SO
Aaaah ... this is exactly what I was pondering over the last few weeks. When do you stop clinging to something? It's difficult letting go - there are these habits we cling to and there's this empty space. And with time the importance of this person diminishes. Other people come into your life and you no longer think of the person.
I throw everything away. Always have.
I keep the most important memories inside my head.
interested in your blog . . . haven't had time to read much, but I'll be back soon!
Em
I'm super nostalgic! You think it's an Aquarius thing??
P.S. I love Dizzy!
Good for you, SO! Cleanin' house always sucks, but the clutter just drags you down.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a pack rat if it's for good reason. I save all ticket stubs, airline tickets, hell, I've even saved cab receipts if it was from a special day...
Good. I cringe at the memory of Beth, and I don't even know you.
I'm the same way with the pack ratedness. I save everything, and I have even more boxes of "memories" at my parent's place.
Realizing that you probably aren't going to hear from Beth again shows a lot of maturity on your part. Sometimes we do have to just learn to let things go.
out with the old baby.
good job deleting beth (see, I know who beth is because I've been reading allllllllllllllll your archives! ok not all, but a lot)
i type out all me and my BF's texts. I think it seems obsessive, but I love to have a record of our conversations.
It's hard to let go, but taking and not giving is no way to gain friends! You did the right thing.
I'm new to this whole concept that you can share really intimate moments with someone and then eventually, at some point, never speak to them again.
I guess thats what happens when you start dating rather than marrying the first man you date as I did.
I think I have alot to learn.
Wow, you described me to a T. I, too, am overly nostalgic and just starting to learn how to let things (or rather, people) go. It's hard. And that's putting it lightly.
Remember:
"Nostalgia is a seductive liar"
:]
I am the same way. Some things I just can't let go of and want to hold on to the memory forever.
I have a very difficult time tossing items that at one time where very important to me. My old bedroom at my parents house is proof of this. (god, they hate me). You'll meet a girl someday who will make you forget why you kept all that crap around and make you ask yourself, "why was I keeping this?"
I'm a pack rat, too... but a piece of a gingerbread house, SO? Really? Why not just take tons of pictures and save a ribbon from a gift or something?
Even though you'll always have those memories (at least, until your brain turns to swiss cheese and you start forgetting things), sometimes it's easier to have those physical artifacts to help trigger those memories.
Sometimes, though, you need to do some emotional cleaning and get rid of things that will trigger memories that aren't good for you because they keep you rooted in the past.
I secretly love you for quoting The Sandlot.
I used to keep old text messages and e-mails, but the thought of looking at something an ex wrote to me when we were together makes my stomach churn. While I love memories, there are some past feelings that are better left in the past. (However, I do keep old letters, cards and pictures. Since those aren't in electronic form, I think they're harder to part with.)
Whenever I delete someone's number, I have a mini-panic attack as soon as I ge the 'are you sure you want to delete so-and-so?'
And I think...do I? Usually I decide yes, but sometimes I let them hang around.
i always have said once you are a friend of alexa's you are a friend for life.
i have a hard time letting people go. friends come in and out of your life over the course of this wild ride we are on. it's exciting to reconnect with people we may have not spoke with in a while.
maybe you found that text from beth for a reason?
Oh ya those people. Take, take, take and rarely ever give. I've let go of several ex-friends because they were that type. It just gets too emotionally exhausting.
Good on you SO. Seems like it needed to be done.
Great post SO. I get pretty nostaligic too, especially with the music that i listen to. I have attached a memory/time frame to pretty much all of my favorite songs and songs that were sepcial to me at that time.
and even to this day it brings back all of those old thoughts and emotions that i felt at that time.
memories of people that once was a major part of me that are no longer are.
You make a good point. Not everyone in our life are always going to be there. Even old friends. I think Kanye West said it pretty good,
"They say people in your life are season, and anything that happen is for a reason"
This right here though:
"You can date someone and share some pretty fucking intimate moments, say some pretty fucking intimate things, but something goes wrong and you might never speak to that person again. I guess this is something I'm just getting used to now. I can't always hold on for holding on's sake."
Man you couldn't have said it any better. I thought of Lauryn Hill 'Ex-Factor' playing in my head and her serenading "you let go and ill let go too"
Hope all is well man!
Bucket theory? Brilliant!
Now I have a name for my recent process of letting friends go.
Wow. This one really struck a chord with me. I have the same struggle with whether or holding onto people, things, etc is a good idea...
Totally a great post. Totally what I needed to read right now.
Glad someone else feels the same way I do.
Thanks.
Getting married will solve this problem for you. She will throw out any and all shit from old GFs...easy...
VI
I've had absolutely zero communication with my ex for just over a year. No email, no text, no phone call. Nada. I have friends who say that enough time has passed and I should reach out and try to be friends. After all, we spent five years together. You know though, if he doesn't seem interested in making the effort, why should I? He knows where I am as much as I know where he is. I've always been the one to reach out to long lost people. I'm letting it go....
one more thing for you to get rid of: milk crates to hold your crap! dude!
of course i hold on tight, she said. you can't believe the kind of stuff that happens when you let go. - storypeople
Im sort of opposite in the pack rat thing. I actually sort of mentally let people go before its really time. I guess its some sort of defense mechanism or something, but truth is if I am no longer friends with you it was probably a decision I consciously made a long time ago. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a total bitch, I just have a mind that is constantly evaluating people and situations and if we are growing apart, trust me, I saw it coming ages ago and have already prepared myself for the inevitable divide. is that heartless SO@24?
post was great. i didnt even have to read back about beth, that story is just too tragic. when i read that my mouth literally dropped open! I cant believe it was her of all people!
oh man i am a sucker for memories and nostalgia related stuff. i keep the most random of things and like you i always find it hard to let a friend go when i still talk to people i've known since kindergarten. ah the joys of growing up and moving on.
I think I'm just really jealous that you get to text with Dizzy.
learning to let go was an interesting but very important lesson. it took me until i was about 25, actually... then i finally started realizing that no matter what, i owed it to myself to put myself first. not in a thoughtless way, but i do like the water bucket analogy: life is too short to hold on to people who don't share their bucket.
I have a hard time letting go, but sometimes when you do, it is a very empowering feeling.
Good for you! It's been a hard lesson for me as well. I'm also a gatherer. But sometimes it's necessary to rip that bandaid.
I'm the anti-nostalgic. I like to throw things out.
Out with the old to make more space for the new!
love the sandlot reference. one of my favorite childhood movies!
I'm not usually too nostalgic. Wel, as I thought about what I was going to say I think I am a big fat liar.
In the way of pictures, I've got a ba jillion. And that's as sentimental as I usually get. Except with the ex boyfriend I am now texting(flirting with)(talking incessantly with) (probably about to date) again.
I also went to school with Michael Phelps and I was friends with him up until the olympics. I can't help but buy the Frosted Flakes box with him on it cuz I am so proud to have gone to a dance with him and such. Memories.
Dangsies nostalgia totally has a hold on me .
Ooh nostalgia. So tricky that I've devoted my entire blog to it. I'm impressed - I could never clean out my proverbial inbox. Time will tell.
I'm the same way as you! My hubs makes fun of me for having so many old friends from grade school that I just don't want to let go of. I want to be friends w/ everyone!
I am always anxiously awaiting any type of contact with dizzy. she is amazing isnt she?
If I were Leo I'd have strangled you. I hate pack rats!
You should be very proud of yourself for learning to let go of people. Some people get to be bad habits; we hang on to them even though they're bad for us.
Definitely. The fact that you were once friends with someone is not enough of a reason to continue being friends with them. [says the girl who gave a high school frenemie a ride down to the 10-year reunion.]
I have that problem too, except that I suck at keeping in touch with people. Anyway, new blog post soon, I will explain why that last blog entry was so cryptic.
Maybe you should start talking like Squints. You may end up with a hottie like Wendy Pfeffercorn.
You are a dork. I hope you know that.
;)
One of the best things I did was to change my cell number and not tell my ex. I was sick of getting text messages from him every two weeks. He is one person I'm not sure if I will ever talk to again or not...
Some relationships are simply toxic. I have gone through so many friends in my life. You made me feel less like a bitch for ending friendships. But friendships are just as delicate as romances and sometimes you have to break up.
Happy now?
I'm the absolute worst. I've been huge into journal writing for as long as I can remember, so my old closet is full of stacks and stacks notebooks documenting every crush, every bad day, every dumb fight I had with friends and my parents since... um, 6th grade. Also, I have a thing with letters and notes (like, the kind you pass back and forth in class) -- shoeboxes filled with 'em sitting on a shelf in said closet.
I keep meaning to toss them, but then I get all nostalgic. I'm a moron. I've started doing the same with my email inbox (and I never clear out texts until I'm full, either!) Thank goodness for gmail.
I've been following your blog for a while now, so I've read a lot about Beth... and as nostalgic as you may be, I hope you deleted the outgoing and incoming texts, so the number is gone. You deserve a quality friendship of the two-way street variety, and nothing less.
-L
What is it about those 4th grade crushes? Def. the grade in elementary school I had the hardest time getting over my crush.
Also--there is something to be said for the nostalgic references in your blog and hidden quotes/wit. Incredible.
Hope someone better comes along SOON SO!
We need u to start thinking of the here and now. I just called Tony Robbins, and he's on the way to your house. I want u to have a life coach, and the most qualified guy (hogger) is all the way in Chicago.
i have been dealing with some of that as well. the bucket sure does make sense, yet it is hard when you have accepted that you need to make up for that extra water being gone. i suppose we all at some point take a bit extra from those we care about.
"It's nothing new to people my age, it's what you just do. You can date someone and share some pretty fucking intimate moments, say some pretty fucking intimate things, but something goes wrong and you might never speak to that person again."
Ouch. And so, so true.
I'm like that as well. It is hard for me to let go of people, especially those people I call friends. It is especially hard when you know the person is nothing but poison to you, but I'm the type that will try and love the hell out of my friends. One friend once told me that I love my friends like I'm married to them. I laughed. Then the person said no for real you stick with them for better or for worse... I looked at this individual and said isn't that what a friend is supposed to do? The individual laughed and said I guess when both parties give the same amount and the other person isn't trying to kill you slowly.
I'm also a very nostalgic as well. I still have report cards from like elementary and high school. I also have almost every birthday card my friends gave me from the time I was 14. LOL
I still have stuff from some of my ex's...memories are a bitch sometimes.
I could not resist commenting. Perfectly written!
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