I think?
One evening back in the early (darkest, most bitter) stages of my breakup, Leo and I threw a house party. At this particular shindig, I was taking shots of Jim Beam like there was no tomorrow. Jim and I still haven't made up since our big blow up from that night. Bastard.
I had met a girl there who happened to be a friend of a friend of a friend. Amber was relatively attractive, drank like a fish, but there was something particularly... "immature" about her. I was in a very dark place, so throughout the evening I pretended to listen to her as I took pull after obliterating from my pint o' whiskey. She was very nice and maybe I would have been more receptive to her if we had met at a different time.
At around 3 in the morning, I decided to pass out in bed. Amber followed me into the room and crawled under the covers with me. She kept going on and ON about how she hated living with her boyfriend ("There used to be so much passion! So much PASSION!") while I laid awake staring at the ceiling hoping that she had somehow miraculously gained powers of telepathy, would read my homicidal thoughts and leave me alone to wallow in my own depression.
That was two years ago. I haven't spoken or heard from her since that party.
In the back of my mind, I have always wondered what would have happened between her and I if I wasn't in that weird "immediately out of a six year relationship" stage. Over the weekend, I got to thinking about ol' Amber. Maybe it was time to be proactive and not be so picky. Maybe I do need to just "get laid" and bitch slap that fucking monkey off my back.
Impulsively, I text messaged Amber and to my surprise, she replied back. I had opened a dialogue with a girl who I can barely place a memory on due to a thick mental fog of Jim Beam. I discovered that she lives about an hour and a half away (not a quick trip) and is no longer living with her boyfriend or dating anyone.
After about 15 texts and a few emails back and forth, I asked if she wanted to grab a drink this Friday. She agreed.
I think the circumstances are pretty black and white here. I believe that Amber and I are on the same page. This was going to be a "hey, let's get completely smashed together and we don't really know each other and see what happens" Friday night.
I haven't ever had one of those.
Time to get insight from my best friend Leo.
Leo: After careful thought and reconsideration of certain themes on your blog, I've come to the conclusion.
1. You can't look for a girlfriend now
2. You need to have sex.
So@24: We're supposed to have drinks this Friday. It's been forever since I've done something like this.
Leo: You're GOLDEN! A few drinks, it's game on.
Leo: ...But seriously wear a condom. You don't want to jump into the LA River without a hazmat.
So@24: I don't remember ANYthing about her.
Leo: Here's the key. You're a condo owning baller making a little time out of your baller schedule to entertain this lass. You walk the walk, wear that confidence. It's all over.
So@24: And since I don't really care what happens anyway, this confidence thing will be a breeze.
Leo: ... I'm walking a real thin moral line here.
So@24: HAHAHAAHAHAH!
Leo: Basically, all I'm saying is, finding The Next One takes a lot of time and significant trial and error. We'd like to think it happens the way it does in The Notebook, but the truth of the matter is we try people out and see if they fit. You're basically seeing if Amber "fits".
Leo: That might be a bad way of putting it, but you see what I mean.
So@24: Well, what if I already know that she is NOT a fit?
Leo: Then you do it anyway to increase the size of the data pool. It's all in the name of science. At least that's what I tell myself. Besides, she could very well be fine with just having sex and that being that.
So@24: Maybe you're onto something...
Leo: I can safely say that for all women I've slept with recently, I knew that I was not interested in any of them. Sometimes I feel compelled to let them know it before (without being hurtful... "I don't think I have the time a relationship requires") and sometimes it's an unspoken agreement that we're both here to get each other off. But in every case, I'm settling in a way. Because I know these girls are not for me.
So@24: -scratches chin-
Leo: So. I think it's time for you to settle.
So@24: Oh fuck. Prof. Leo is making us buy TWO of his textbooks. I hate when they do that.
Leo: Dude. Residuals.
* * *
I guess the final moral question remains: If the opportunity presents itself, should I sleep with a relatively attractive girl (who may not be that bright) who I barely know with the slight chance that I'd get to feel her boobs? Discuss.
Leo's answer? See below.
76 comments:
I'm going to go with this: see what happens. I also agree with Leo- sometimes girls are just looking for someone to get them off- it's up to you to decide if you make your intentions clear or just go with the flow.
Good Luck!! Hopefully something comes of it, if you get my drift!
I say see what happens too. And don't sleep with her if she's really dreadful. Please?
You are sure that she wants nothing more than a physical relationship?
Do what feels right for you at the time. Although we can all offer you advice and some of it might be good (having sex is good even if you do not have a relationship), only you know what is comfortable for you and what is okay for you.
Have fun on the date though. A date - yay!
I have missed Leo's contributions to your blog.
And I say go for it, if she's up for it too. But play safe.
If you HATE her then don't sleep with her. I think you'll regret it.
That said, she could be totally different at this point in her life. People change a lot in a few years. Give it a chance at first and if it works out do the deed. at least it will get it over with, right?
Leo is right. Don't fuck with science.
Do you think you can do it? And not get emotionally attached?
Are you fine with just getting it once and then moving onto the next one?
If you think you are mentally prepared to enter the "Game" room then go for it. You have to be in a certain frame of mind to get around like that. I hope you are prepared for all that it entails.
Make sure that she isn't on the rebound and looking for comfort, not just sex. Like you said, you barely know the girl and she could be the clingy type, and by sleeping with her, you might get an immediate g/f that you might not be into.
Maybe get to feel her boobs but not sleep with her on Friday. I mean really, what is the rush, it's been 2 years, what's a few more weeks?
Have a good time.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
Just as long as it's mutual - where you guys both know it's not going past sex.
Good luck!
I think it's systems go, as long as you can tell that she isn't one of those "sex = relationship" girls.
You need to end this dry spell, at least to get some confidence built up in you so you can continue going back out there into the sea to find a few good catches.
As far as the dating goes, you should go out with everyone, whether you think you are interested or not.
As far as the sex, do do it if you think you will get attached. But if you won't, go for it.
Is anything we "advise" going to make a difference? You know what you're looking for. It's great that you're going on a date but don't make things even more complicated if they don't need to be. Have fun!
Personally, I wouldn't have sex with someone I don't see a future with, much less only had one date with.
But you need to think about what you want to get out of it, and as long as she's game for your plan, have at it. Goodbye monkey!
I have seen/heard more references to Top Gun in the last couple weeks than I can shake a stick at. Wtf?
Also, you can probably assume that Amber is meeting you with full knowledge that catching up is just a pretense for sex. So unless she's a total bitch, she's probably fine with the idea. Or at least will consider it.
And dudeman, Wrap. It. Up.
It's really hard for me to believe that she's NOT on the same page with this. This sounds like a textbook booty call if I ever heard one.
Honestly though, and I mean this with a lot of love... I don't think it's going to happen. I think that either:
(a) she's going to back out when she sees you want it and she's no longer in the "I need to get back at my boring boyfriend" mentality,
or
(b) you're going to back out when you meet her in flesh and blood and suddenly remember all the reasons you didn't sleep with her the first time.
But we'll see! Prove me wrong, SO, if that's what you want!
God, SO! You overanalyze more than me! You're a freakin female with a penis in a mega man costume!
Get a grip, dude!
Just go out and be happy!
Have some fuckin fun! Whatever happens, happens, right? Your destiny is out of your hands!
Just be smart, like Leo says and use profalactics.
go and have fun with NO plans of doing "it".
my ONLY concern is ..... what if you meet your "one" in a week or so and you fall madly in love..... wouldn't it be nice to tell her she is the first girl you have been with in a long time? (I know it woudl make ME feel so special)
ps. it's nice to see guys talk about finding the "one". I didn't think most guys beleived in that or even wanted that.
oh and i would love to know what you actually think about my comment. you seem like such an interesting guy.
Hey it can't hurt to try...unless she is into biting and stuff - but that just means she's a keeper!
Do it. Get 'er done. Really, what do you have to lose? I'm delurking right now, but I've been reading for a long time, and dude, you do need to get laid lol. I think it will take some of the pressure off of finding "the one".
I'm sort of thinking about doing the same thing, yet in reverse. I've been contemplating getting back together with my ex, but he hurt me and I'm not sure he's the one anymore. Maybe by dating other people, I can figure out whether or not he truly is the one? This could completely blow up in my face... but I suppose I better get out and start meeting people.
Good luck with Amber! And, yes, we do want the dirty details!
Eh, I say go for it if it feels comfortable for you at the time.
Look, I'm a chick and sometimes, I feel just like Leo - who I imagine as disgustingly gorgeous because he seems like a manwhore. There have been guys I've hung out with just for that purpose, and it was, as your boy said, an unspoken kind of thing. Us girls play the game, too.
Have a fun night, see what happens ... and divulge the details as soon as possible! Good luck!
A - I love that Leo refers to The Notebook as like a guide to love. Cute.
B - Just go enjoy yourself So if you get laid in the process good for you. If not, oh well.
You can be my wing-man anytime! Top Gun was my favorite movie growing up....I used to watch it on my dad's Beta-max.
I hope you don't go into your date friday night with such a pessimistic, negative opinion of this girl. It was years ago, you were drunk, in a bad place- she might turn out to be completely different than you think. Just give her a chance.
Well, you're both adults, and if you want to sleep together then sleep with her. Truth is girls want it just as much as guys we're just not suppose to let on that we do. It's not perceived as "ladylike".
You never know what could happen. It may be that you really like each other then you have that distance thing (which I know all about) that keeps you "grounded" and prevents you from rushing into something.
Just have fun!
DO IT! Even if she is miserable! It will get you out of the funk you are in and put your back in the game. BUCKLE UP FOR SAFETY!
If she lives an hour and a half away... where is she going to stay?? And plus... what if you forgot how to do it? She sounds like a good guinea pig. AND remember how it's no strings attached because she live so far...
To me, it seems the perfect set up SO24.
There's nothing wrong with a simply physical relationship between two consenting parties! Feel it out. You said yourself your memory of her is hazy and maybe she seemed like a blatherind idiot because she was into you and was confused about how she felt with her boyfriend. Don't let opportunities pass without giving them their fair shot and hopefully your drought will be over!
Leo is a very wise man.
Good luck.
i think just go and try to have some fun. If she's so annoying you still feel homicidal towards her maybe you should just bounce. She seemed massively clingy, you don't want her thinking youre gonna be her man now. But if she's not so bad, nothing wrong with you gettin some. you need it.
I think you should just see what happens and see how you feel "in the moment" - you can't really make a proper judgement until you've had a couple of drinks with someone. This seems kind of ironic seeing as alcohol impairs judgement, but a couple of drinks makes people open up a bit more and once that happens you'll know what you both want.
No means no. Yes means yes! If she says yes and is on board, then hit it like a screen door in a hurricane!!
Wrap it up!
I can't concentrate long enough to give advice because I am distracted every two seconds by the chorus of Danger Zone.
And don't think I am going to press pause to facilitate anything useful.
do not go in with any expecations. do like pro leo says and have confidence. i always go in thinking that its a friends thing and many many many times it is not but i always go in acting like myself and casual and take it from there. confidenc is the ony thing you need to wear besides a clean pair of underwear.
Hell YEAH you should try your chances at getting laid. It's an itch that has to be scratched every once in a while. And think of it this way, the more you scratch that itch, the less desperate you'll be when searching for The One. You'll be less willing to "settle" because, physically, you'll feel satisfied. AND, you'll gain some sexual experience with DIFFERENT women that'll come in handy once you find Her.
Now, don't be an asshole by leading her on.
Just have fun. Believe it or not, girls have the need to be with someone just to get off every once in a while too.
Be safe and have a great time!!!
DO IT!
Hi. We've never met. But your blog makes me laugh. And I say, get laid. Its one of the best things there is.
Hell Ya!!! You better sleep with her. She might be looking for just sex too.
You are in your 20's this is the time to have casual sex and no regrets.
But seriously wear a condom. You don't want to jump into the LA River without a hazmat.
Too funny. Like a lot of posters said, make sure it's mutual and be honest. Don't "do it" just to get it over with. Whether you think it's relationship material or not, if you're not into it, it won't be a good experience.
hm. what i'd suggest is, don't go into the situation with expectations. don't get butterflies in your stomach and seriously, stop thinking of it all together. it's only going to drive you nuts. and in the long run, when you don't sleep with her because of a) she's ugly b) she's too immature c) you're just not THAT into her (see previous posts where you mention this) or all of the above .. you're going to kick yourself in the ass. and it will hurt. so just go; have fun. and perhaps she'll even afford to buy YOU a drink. ha.
My advise is that you go on the date with no expectations of sex. Then, if things feel "right" and you can tell neither of you will get attached, GO FOR IT.
It's been long enough.
I think you should have some drinks, make some jokes, and try to get a read on what she's looking for. If it's obvious she is just looking to hook up, then that's what you should be too. I like Leo's hazmat reference. Heed that advice should it come to that.
well odds are, she knows exactly what she's doing. maybe you're not her "fit" either...but sometimes that's all you need to get yourself back on track.
i suppose the real question is if YOU can do a "no strings" attached kinda night without feeling the repercussions in a negative way?
Boooooobs!
woot!
I'm on the pro side!
Well, so long as you make it clear exactly what you're after and she's ok with it. Just my opinion, but if she thinks it's more than it is and you don't set her straight BEFORE things get hot and heavy... well.... not the classiest of things to do. What goes around comes around and all that.
It's time. It's time for NSA sex. For the love of all things holy.
Maybe I’m a little old fashioned, but I don’t sleep with people just to satisfy the itch. I’m not saying you should wait for marriage, I’d do it only with someone I really care about. But, if that’s your cup of tea, go for it.
Be careful who you sleep with tho. Some people can get possessive & crazy. And please don’t turn into a man-whore just to get some. You seem too nice of a guy for that.
Example: I have a best friend who sleeps with everyone, yeah she satisfies the itch, but shes one of the most unhappy people I know.
It's funny you all talk about Top Gun all the time, Kelly McGillis lives in the same town as me. He daughter attends the same school district as mine.
Small World.
Here's my advice...
Have sex.
Listen.... So you're a guy..... GO! Get laid! It's what you do! Have fun..... that's what your twenties are for. Seriously, it's time.
Sidestreets to the danger zoooooooooooone. Love it.
Just go and have fun and see what happens. You deserve a fun night. Just make sure you're both on the same page.
And report back :)
If you're not interested in having a relationship with her, make sure she isn't either.
And please, PLEASE remember condoms!!!
Best of luck you!
Double bag that shit. That's all I'm saying.
I'm too distracted to even comment b/c Leo actually insinuated that he not only watched, but really *watched* The Notebook. It's mind-boggling to me.
Dude. Do it.
Quit thinking/worrying/analyzing so much and just HAVE FUN! See what happens, how you feel, and go from there.
Also? Your themesong must be "Unforgettable" because you jump out of the past back into these girls' lives, and they all know who you are right away!! :)
I dont see whats wrong with a little dabbling....test the waters....
As far as that danger zone video....CLASSIC!!!!!!
You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first? Am I right? And so it goes w/ dating. Good luck and I can't wait to hear how it goes!
okay that clip at the end is amazing, amazing finish to this discussion. and i'd like to buy leo's book and pass it along to a few friends, i think they could use his help as well :)
I had a much longer comment, but it comes down to this:
I'm more concerned about your emotional reaction to the touchy-touchy after all this time than hers.
Just get drunk and everything will seem a lot less confusing. Until the next morning of course.
PLEASE HAVE SEX ALREADY!
JUST DO IT!
DO IT!
DO IT!
DO IT!
Don't write another blog until you do it! Please...
Hi! I just found you through Google Reader recommendations...
That being said, and knowing absolutely nothing about you other than this post, I say: go for it. If you want to. Or don't. Whatever. Just don't overthink it before you even get there and have no idea if sex will even be an option.
Go have drinks with her, see how it goes, and if the opportunity presents itself and you want to nail her, well... nail her.
This is what your 20s are for. Enjoy it.
go out with her. have some drinks. and if she's decent and she's interested then take her home and by all means shag the shit outa her!!!!!
YOU NEED PUSSY, BOY
now go get it!
If you're having drinks with her and you think you don't want to wake up with her the next morning, don't have sex with her. Otherwise, go for it. Be safe out there, soldier.
I agree with Leo, it is all about the rule of 5. Date 5 people just for fun, who are not a right "fit," before even thinking about starting another LTR (long term relationship, abbreviating to save time:) I have two more to go. This way when the next LTR comes around you won't be kicking yourself for not dating more people while you had the chance. Let the games begin!!!
Of course you fuck her! Never assume girls are just after serious relationships. They can be as shallow as we are. Well, shallow as I am, at least.
So do her a favor. Fuck her.
You just have to go with the flow...and the booze that is..
This one is going to be a doozy.
1. You've just wasted an hour of my time by posting that video (which I have now watched about 3432 times). That song is one of my all time favorites, back when the multimillion dollar American Military Machine was at the top of its game and Tom Cruise wasn't crazy. Oh, how I miss those Reagan years!
2. In the spirit of celebrating all things dealing with American military might, I will have to say that Leo needs to become my Secretary of Defense, for his sage advice will save lives.
3. He's right. We aren't always looking for a Mr. Right, sometimes we're just looking for Mr. Right Now.
dude...
as I said before... go for it!!
As Leo said... wear a condom!!
and hey!!
whatever happens happens no???
;)
btw...
come pimp my blog!!!!! ;)
You want to know something sad? Even before I pressed play, I knew for a fact that it was Top Gun. I also knew exactly what part it was. And the song. I have watched that movie way to many times.
OMG just do it. You need to increase your numbers because the next girl you sleep with that might fit might be weirded out by "I've only slept with one girl and it was over two years ago*."
*Not that there's anything wrong with that.
any girl who is willing to have sex with you on the first "date" is probably not especially concerned about "where this relationship is going."
so i say, have a couple drinks, and see what happens.
you're a good guy, you'll make the right decision.
lol! Good luck to you man!
Seriously you live life once right? And good luck to you and...YEA....
Okay, well I guess I will hold you to it then.
One of the shots you take with Amber tonight is in my honor. Haha! Hope the date goes well/can't wait to read about it.
"We would like to think it happens like in The Notebook but its really by trial and error... you see if the person fits". FUCKING THANK YOU! Please explain that to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me because despite being exactly the kind of women he would marry, and being attracted to me, and having feelings for me because he wasn't positive I was "the one" and that he thinks he should "just know". HA. This proves that I am right!!
Dating sucks, huh?
You need some ass, SO. Go for it.
Maybe she'll be great? Who knows...then again, maybe she'll be just as annoying as the first time you met her!
DO IT.
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