I received a text message from her the following night. It was 11:00pm and she was reminding me that she still had my shorts and t-shirt that I let her borrow. Did I want to go over to her place and pick them up?
"All Signs Point to Yes", Magic 8 Ball.
During my drive, I kept getting phone calls from Amber.
Amber: Where aaaaaaaaaaare you?
So@24: You just called me 10 minutes ago. I'm on my way.
Amber: Well hurry up and Tokyo drift your ass over here, boy!
Well then. She was indeed drunk. Very drunk.
When I arrived at the steps of Amber's apartment, I could already hear the cacophony that always accompanies booze-fueled gatherings.
Amber and her friends gave me a warm welcome, but I immediately knew I was out of place. Their jokes were crass and juvenile, there was a drunk dude slumped over, completely passed out. In a word, the whole scene was trashy.
Amber presented me a shot of rum and a tall can of Monster energy drink.
"Play catch up," she smiled.
I was not going to argue with that. I was definitely an uncomfortable stranger in an even stranger land. This was solidified when the hooded drunkard suddenly popped up, grabbed the car keys and ran out the door. Amber's friend took off after him saying, "He's going to drive drunk again. I hate when he does this shit."
And then... we were alone.
What the fuck was I doing here?
Amber and I both took a few more shots and I found myself in the middle of a second make out session.
It got a little more heated this time, but again... my instinct was telling me that something was off here. And no, it was not a matter of me trying to force my mitts in places and her having to push me away. It was completely based off that feeling you get.
When she traced her finger along the waistband of my boxers shorts, I almost melted on the spot (let's go ahead throw that up there to the recently-growing list of "things I miss about girls").
But she stopped there.
My mind was racing. I know I've been out of the game for quite sometime now, but something wasn't adding up. With a pinch of frustration and a giant dollop of confusion, I rolled over and let the remaining rum in my system put me to sleep.
* * *
The next morning, I threw on my wrinkled jeans and wrapped my watch around my wrist. Like the night before, the conversation and atmosphere wasn't at all awkward or uncomfortable. As I was stepping over her giant mounds of clothes, I caught a glimpse of her creamsicle colored vibrator. "What the...? What is this girl's deal..."
I gave Amber a hug, thanked her for the drinks and was about to step out the door when she asked, "Could you take a seat?"
So@24: Uh... sure.
Amber: I just wanted to explain about the last couple of nights. I have a problem with intimacy because I was raped last year.
I instantly broke out into a cold sweat. My combined time of hanging out with Amber was less than 48 hours; I didn't know anything about her. I had absolutely NO idea what to say.
So@24: Hey, you don't need to explain anything to me. I had a good time.
Amber: I usually don't mention it. Guys just think I don't like them, but I didn't want you to think it was you.
I was completely caught off guard, I didn't know if what I said came off well or if I even said the right things. What are you supposed to say? I've never known anyone personally who has gone through such a traumatic experience.
My brain was going a mile a minute during my long drive home. This was something I naively never thought I would encounter when I reemerged in the dating world. Never even crossed my mind. Statistics show 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. It's a very ugly reality, but... it happens more than people (including me) realize.
After a physical recovery, Amber is still a twentysomething woman who deserves to be able to date and have sex. And to have that taken away from her is incredibly sad.
As someone who has a lot of good girl friends, it's heavy stuff to think about, but all the more reason to acknowledge it.
Dating. Fuck. You have to be prepared for that occasional knuckle ball.
The next morning, I threw on my wrinkled jeans and wrapped my watch around my wrist. Like the night before, the conversation and atmosphere wasn't at all awkward or uncomfortable. As I was stepping over her giant mounds of clothes, I caught a glimpse of her creamsicle colored vibrator. "What the...? What is this girl's deal..."
I gave Amber a hug, thanked her for the drinks and was about to step out the door when she asked, "Could you take a seat?"
So@24: Uh... sure.
Amber: I just wanted to explain about the last couple of nights. I have a problem with intimacy because I was raped last year.
I instantly broke out into a cold sweat. My combined time of hanging out with Amber was less than 48 hours; I didn't know anything about her. I had absolutely NO idea what to say.
So@24: Hey, you don't need to explain anything to me. I had a good time.
Amber: I usually don't mention it. Guys just think I don't like them, but I didn't want you to think it was you.
I was completely caught off guard, I didn't know if what I said came off well or if I even said the right things. What are you supposed to say? I've never known anyone personally who has gone through such a traumatic experience.
My brain was going a mile a minute during my long drive home. This was something I naively never thought I would encounter when I reemerged in the dating world. Never even crossed my mind. Statistics show 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. It's a very ugly reality, but... it happens more than people (including me) realize.
After a physical recovery, Amber is still a twentysomething woman who deserves to be able to date and have sex. And to have that taken away from her is incredibly sad.
As someone who has a lot of good girl friends, it's heavy stuff to think about, but all the more reason to acknowledge it.
Dating. Fuck. You have to be prepared for that occasional knuckle ball.
93 comments:
Wow. That's intense. It's probably a compliment that she told you (she must care what you think), but it's a hard thing to deal with 2 days into knowing someone.
It's a horrible thing to have happen, and I am extremely grateful that I am not the 1 in 6. But I definitely believe the statistic, based on my friends/acquaintances. It's not a nice thing to think about, but I'm glad someone's putting it out there.
I'm super impressed with you for picking up on her boundaries and respecting her. It took guts for her to tell you that so you've gotta give her another chance.
I'm not even sure how to begin this comment but your post struck a cord. I've been a long time reader, non-commentor (lurker I suppose), from here over on the other side of the world.
I can completely sympathise where Amber is coming from and you handled it the only way someone can when blindsided by that information, but for her to even mention it... A lot braver then me I guess.
Anyway best of luck for whatever it turns out to be.
A
Wow. She is so brave for telling you that. It cant be easy.
Sounds like you took it well.. The world really is an ugly place at times.
Thats all I have to say really.
:)
Umm...crazy! I say that you should run away as fast as those legs will take you. That was definitely TMI for having known her such a short time. People might disagree with me here but I've seen plenty of situations where people share too much too soon and these things never end well. You didn't sign up to rehabilitate this girl. Don't do it!
Well, I did not see that coming. That is incredibly sad. You have good instincts to have picked up on something being off in the first place. Unfortunately, I do not think she is close to recovery from her situation with the drinking and making out with virtual strangers. And that is certainly no judgment against her. However, like the person above me said, it is probably not a good idea for you to get wrapped up with her. Mainly because you were not that into her to begin with and this situation is too delicate and serious to be only half (or even a quarter) "in." I feel really awful for her and it was very brave for her to have told you, even though it was awfully soon. She is probably tired of pretending and being in denial. You are right, too, the more you date, the more things you encounter.
woah. that's quite the curve ball. well that says a lot in itself that she trusted you enough to tell you that. so now what SO?
That is intense. But I'm impressed as well that you knew something was wrong and that she trusted you enough to tell you!
wow. I'm not sure what else to say other than don't be an ass.
not that I think you're an ass, but just in general :-)
Fuck! That's hectic. That's all I have to say.
wooooow. she is looking for attention. that's it. sympathize, but not for long. if it was that traumatic, she wouldn't be bringing it up to you after 2 heavy makeout sessions in 48 hours.
Wow. Poor thing.
The fact that she had the guts to tell you shows a maturity level that you haven't seen with her yet. She must really like you.
I agree with single. RUN!
I think it's cynical to assume she's doing it for attention or sympathy. Maybe she's just being an adult about it. Sexual assault is a big thing that changes how people have relationships and maybe she's just sick of it getting in between her and the boys she likes.
Keep doin' what you're doing and respect her boundaries, enjoy her company. Just don't turn her into your charity case.
wow.
So, is Amber gonna be a recurring theme here then?
Wow. There are lots of things that I could say about this. I worked with assault victims in all shapes and sizes for quite of few years of my life. I understand the greiving process after something like this happens. Although it is different for everyone, and I can respect her for telling you(it is often difficult to even verbalize it). I am concerned. I could probably take up an entire page trying to explain the reasons why. If you want to talk about it you can feel free to email me.
Might help if I leave my email address karesbears23@google.com
I remember the first (only) time a woman I was dating told me that. What the heck is a guy to say at that point?
That's very sad for her, and it sounds like you handled it well. It's not easy hearing that stuff from people you don't know very well.
So, what happens next?
This is one of those walking-on-eggshells moments. On the one hand, it's great that she opened up to you and that you respected her boundaries. On the other hand, you don't need to get trapped into anything with this girl because you feel bad for her because of what happened to her, even if she chose to share with you.
It's awful that those statistics are so high, but you're right; not many people realize that sexual abuse is something they or someone they know very well could face.
Smack to the face entry, is what I call this.
So I think you were really a perfect gentleman and handled the whole thing as well as you could. Seriously.
......um.......whoa......
Wow. You're a good dude, SO.
You know, it's interesting, the way so many comments here have suggested just using her for sex (consensually) even though you didn't like her and even though she was drunk. Consensual sex with insincere intentions is obviously a completely different thing from rape, but it's still a fine line between 'sowing your wild oats' and 'hurting other people'. It's not just about hurt feelings-- it can fuck up the way people relate in future relationships and, like you said, no one deserves that.
However, I agree with at least one other commenter here that I would tread very lightly with this one. You're not interested in a relationship with her (or even really a friendship). She's obviously not interested in a physical-only relationship. At this point, you've spent the night together twice and she upped the intimacy factor considerably with her confession. It may be best for you to amicably part ways before things get messy.
And based on my own lifetime of friends, family members, and acquaintance, I think the 1 in 6 number sounds about right... possibly a little low. Thanks for writing this.
wow. i don't believe she dropped that on you already. like whoa.
SO, you need to go with your gut on this one which from what i read you know it's leading you in a direction different then amber's.
you go to make-out and have some fun. now carry on my friend.
I agree with my fellow Madisonian, Your Ill-Fitting Overcoat; if looking for more than just casual sex you might need to part while you can still do it nicely. But I would say that that you have to tread lightly because you don't want to make her think opening up about her bad experience is bad and will chase guys away.
So, uh, no pressure. Good luck!
Oh, and I was reading your analogy of your first date with Amber I was spooning oatmeal into my mouth. You just gotta dress it up with fruit (I had blueberries this morning) and maybe some honey. Mmmmm.
holy cow. what a heavy thing to be told when you just met her. Maybe you should try to become friends with her nad forget the dating stuff. Sounds like she has a lot of things to still get through due to the rape.
dating .... yes, it sucks - I HATE being single sometimes. (or even in this current screwed up relationship I have right now)
Proceed with caution.
Thats all I'm going to say.
I agree with the other commenters that it's pretty soon to be admitting something that deep...but as a victim myself, I think her reasons are simple and respectable (only based on assumptions of course). I think when it is still fresh in a girls mind, and she becomes interested in someone, she was possibly feeling the need to clarify her reservations with you/sex. In no way did she mean to place any burden on you by telling you something personal, it was just her way of being upfront sex in case you thought she was being a "cock tease" (for lack of a better term).
Plus, we all know you're a great guy! I'm sure, even though you've only recently started hanging out, she senses that, and feels comfortale around you.
You're young, have fun! Good Luck!
Damn, I wish comments had spelling/grammar check! lol ;)
its an awful thing to go through...If you really dug the girl, that's one thing. But, it seems like a lot of baggage, it affects many aspects of your life when you are raped.
Best of luck, whatever happens!!!!
Whoa, that is HEA. VY. :(
One in six? Really? That is crazified.
She was probably tired of guys thinking she was a prude or that she didn't like them, so she felt like she needed to tell you before you ran in the other direction.
Ack, awkward. It probably took a lot for her to tell you that and so props to her for letting it out, but it still puts you in a weird place because...what do you do?
Oh buddy, you did a really nice job with this.
Seriously, we all kept telling you to dip your toe in the proverbial waters of casual, physical relationships and THIS is where you landed, quite by accident. That said, I feel like there's a win/win here. You can now say you've put yourself out there and can do it again with someone who's a better fit. I still don't think you're cut out for absolutely no strings attached hanky panky which is a lovely thing.
For her, she's getting more comfortable identifying why she acts the way she does so hopefully by the time the right guy comes around, she won't feel like damaged goods, for lack of a better term. Even in just being you're classy self, you're helpful.
Regardless, thanks for saying something.
Dang...how *do* you come back from that?
Thank goodness for your spidey-senses.
I feel for her but you handled it best you could given that it was tossed to you in record time and on the go - I would tread carefully with her....
Wow, that's tough info for date number two. She is very brave for telling you but be careful. I think telling you is a sign that she really likes you and if you're not into her, might want to cut off the idea of that happening with her before it gets too deep!
Wow. That's a topic no one ever expects or prepares themself to have. You did a great job 1) you didn't push the boundries and you gained her trust 2) you reacted the best way possible.
I admit it seemed slightly premature to open up about the topic, but maybe her encounter with you was the closest she's been to someone in a long time. It says a lot about your character.
Wow, I didn't see that coming. I feel bad for her. But as for you, I think it's a good idea to keep your distance, on the reason alone that it sounds like she needs some more recovery and you weren't that into her to begin with.
Er, my initial reaction to that is simply "EEP!"
Sharing something like that after spending such a short time with you (and after essentially booty calling you), sends up a big red flag for me. That is not Second Not-Even-Really-A-Date information.
Sure, I don't know this girl from Eve... but I would tread carefully if I were you.
definitely don't bed her.
there's no way it will be just a 'i scratched your back, you scratched mine' situation
you'll be stuck in a serious committed relationship without even realizing it.
Great post So.
As someone who actually met this girl, I agree with those who advised you to not get too involved, to not become her counselor, and to not take part in any more make-out sessions. While Amber is a nice girl, she's not the girl for you. So slowly disengage without making her feel like you jumped ship.
For those who believe Amber disclosed too soon - only the survivor herself can decide what's best for her. And for those who presume she did so to garner attention - candidly, you're missing a sensitivity chip.
1) One word for what the first half of this post reminds me of: Janice.
2) Her story is incredibly sad/scary.
3) But it sounds like you handled it really well.
4) That said, I think it was way too early for her to talk to you about it and I agree with others... run, don't walk, away from this messy situation.
Wow!! I did not see that coming. That is so sad to hear what she had to go through. I don't know what I would have said in that situation either. But you did good.
Wow. I was really not expecting that at all. I just feel terrible for her. I really don't know what else to say, but I do think it's a testament to the type of person you are that she opened up to you so quickly.
This completely changed my view of Amber. Mu heart goes out to her.
Talk about not knowing what to say. I mean, I THINK I know what I would've said, but who can really say till they're in that spot? Yikes. I can guarantee she is not the first woman you'll date who has an issue of SOME sort. We ALL do.
She obviously trusts you and feels safe around you and just unloaded an (unfortunate) bombshell on you.
That being said, now you have to decide if you want that sort of responsibility for her mental wellbeing starting now.
Dammit SO. Damn your knuckleball posts.
Your response was so respectable and real. Girls a little messed up, as we all are, and she just honestly wanted you to know it.
Like others have said, this is both good and bad. Good that she sees you as a friend to open up like that, but bad if you think of her as just 'oatmeal'. If she's feeling it but you're not, time to cut ties now before she gets hurt. she doesn't deserve to go through more trauma now.
that being said, as a 'friend' you could suggest she gets some professional help. she needs it. good luck...
whoa. i wasn't expecting that.
but i can honestly say, she must really like you, #1 to have told you about it when it is a HARD thing to talk about and #2 to feel comfortable around you enough to let her guard down because you must make her feel safe.
so cheers to you, because that means that you are a good guy. not that we didn't know that already.
so my final parting comment is, be careful with this one. you're at a perfect point to put the brakes on and be friends, if that's what you feel is the right thing. either way, tread carefully, she's been through a lot.
wow. i'm surprised she told you after two encounters. I have some close friends who have had that happen, and it took them a long time before they could tell me. It's terrible stuff. There are terrible people out there. You did a good job in how you reacted to it and she must trust you if she told you that. it'll be interesting to see what happens with you two. But if you dont feel right about her...i know i dont know her, but I agree with dani, if you've been raped you shouldnt be getting drunk and falling into bed with strangers, it doesnt help recovery and it could lead to another situation. If you dont feel right, leave it behind. You barely know her, and sorry to say it but she has some serious baggage.
Damn, that is so insane. I am surprised she told you so soon...but that could be that she likes you more than the other guys she hasn't told.
I had no idea the statistics were what they are. It really is so very sad.
That's a lot to hear coming from someone you hardly know. You reacted much better than I would have.
yup my blog was depressing as hell cause i have been WANTING to have sex for over a week now and HE thinks it's funny to talk about it and then not give it to me.
I have NEVER felt what i guess a guy feels when he has blue balls .... it SUCKS!
oh wow. that is definitely a knuckle ball, but that's so ... i don't even know the word, for her to tell you. and really there is no way to be prepared for a situation like that. wow.
She told you after two "dates"?
Hmm it took me 6 months to find out from my ex.
In other news...I got nothing.
In Response to your comment: "No pictures?That's a deal breaker for me.But good for you for writing back. I didn't think girls did that."
-I wrote a response, but I never sent it. I'm curious tho...if he's 39...yikes. I figure if I respond without making a committment to a "date" and he tells me a bit more, like exact age and sends a picture, then I can make a better judgement. aye, i hate being single, its too complicated.
I say good for you for sticking to your gut feeling. As for Amber, seriously, poor girl. I'm guessing that is something very hard to recover from.
Wow - thats heavy stuff. However, i'd be thinking she must respect/really like you to even let you know something so personal.
Do you plan on seeing her again?
Man, that's awkward. I'm really bad at dealing with things like that - kudos to you for handling the situation.
Wow. That poor, poor girl.
Write love on your arms tomorrow.
Also, tread carefully. You want to be a good person, show her you care, and do the right thing. You don't want to end up in a really awkward committed relationship because of it though. And put those condoms back on the shelf - there are at least seventeen and a half other flavours of oatmeal you could try. I suggest Peaches and Cream, or possibly Maple and Brown Sugar. Delicios ;)
That really is sad and a very difficult situation to deal with...
That's pretty heavy, but I agree with a few others that suggest she said it so you wouldn't think she was being a tease.
I have no comment here that won't make me look like a jerk, so I'll just say:
We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time.
Oh no.
We can dance and party all night.
And drink some cherry wine.
Uh huh.
Haha wow. I will leave that link up from my previous post in case people are interested, but when I got that particular Facebook invite I must not have had my coffee yet - it's directed at sufferers of depression as opposed to sexual abuse.
Forgiveness, please! =)
God, some people here are seriously cynical. That being said, I don't think she's dealt with it. One of my best friends was raped last year and as she won't get help, her response has been to drink more alcohol and act more promiscuously. Which sounds a fair bit like Amber.
Its an incredibly hard thing to deal with, hearing that, and it sounds like you did a good job. Just be careful with her now- she sounds pretty fragile.
What can you say to that? That statistic always shocks the hell out of me...
I think that was odd for her to tell you with only knowing her for 2days but obviously she likes you and doesn't want you to get the wrong idea about her. But, it does take guts to tell someone that. Unfortunately, I am part of the 1 in 6 statistic and it took years for me to talk about it or admit, so I applaud her for being able to say something.
I would say give her another chance and see where it takes you guys. If she still acts "immature" or you can't see yourself getting over the querky things she does, then just leave it be and be friends. But don't make her feel like you don't want to talk to her or see her because of what happened(not that you would).
Just continue to respect her and don't over step the boundaries, some males do. She probably really respects you for not forcing yourself onto her and that's why she told you, you know?
um.
i've been (the R word)
i don't think even my current boyfriend knows.
my exhusband knew, we were married and he had to know, ofcourse. and yes it did cause me to have some --issues regarding the sex part of my life. altho it had nothing to do with emotional/attachment/intimacy. i had major problems with being touched: by a friend or by a stranger -hug or just a light pat on the shoulder. even to this day i get freaked out by touches (and amazingly enough it was a friend of mine who raped me).
everyone woman is different. a friend of mine was raped with her toddler son in the backseat of the car after she broke down on the side of the road --and it didn't really affect her at all except she became more clingy to her child. she was more afraid of scars he'd have to carry if he remembered it.
ok, enough from me.
i don't think your ready for that sort of "baggage issues" (no, i'm not being harsh it is baggage) -maybe be a friend but no more kissy kissy.
Holy crap SO. I don't even know what to say as I have no experience with this. Good luck man.
Holy jiminy crickett 1 in 6?!?! My daughter will never leave the house. Those mumers are shocking!
*nervously tries to fit shotgun into purse*
That's some pretty deep stuff, but I suppose this really changes how you see her.
Jesus Christ.....comment number 73.
Anyways, that is sad that this happened to her, but you know if you know there is no chance, I wouldn't lead her on or stick around. She might be looking for a guy who can "protect" her right now and I'm not sure that's what you want.
aaaaaaand that is not what i was expecting. yowza. i can only imagine it was even LESS what you were expecting.
I was talking about this post, you dork! I don't want to link to it though because I don't want people debating what I said on my own blog.
Well, I am very impressed with how you handles that situation...and im not just saying that because I like your blog ;) haha....Nice work!
okay, well after reading all the comments, i don't feel like i need to delve too much into this.
i'm a survivor, myself. but not in the way that she is. i was in a relationship where rape was a common factor, and a common "theme". but it was rape, nonetheless, so i can relate to her on a certain level.
you've gotten some sage (and not so sage) advice.
what are you going to do, SO?
I can't believe she told you that after only knowing you for a couple of dates. I have also been raped, and I don't tell guys that when we are just dating. I didn't tell my ex boyfriend that until we spent a lot of time together. Even so, that is something that when processed in a healthy way, should not prevent someone from being intimate with a person they trust and care about. Maybe she is apprehensive because, I don't know, human beings were not meant to go around fucking like rabbits with people that they barely know? Just a thought. Either way I would be SUPER careful and don't get sucked into her drama because this already sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that she told you that so quickly is a huge red flag, in my opinion. Watch out.
Oouch!
Oh man... what do you say to that?
That really freakn suxs!
:(
The sad thing is that she thinks she did something wrong enough to make you notice, and thus had to tell you. She thinks you can tell, in a way... which is unfortunately common, that people who have had this happen feel as though they are obviously flawed as are result. You are a good fellow, though.
Wow..I'm speechless again..poor Amber.
Yeah I think its a really good thing that she told you, as its quite hard for women to open up and talk about it. Sounds like she actually has a good head on her shoulders and is dealing with the issues that have arisen from it.
What does that future hold if anything for you two??
I think that's a big deal for AMber to share that piece of information with you. I hope everything works out.
From someone who has been sexually abused as well. I think that if you genuinely like her, then talking about it is a good thing. She wouldn't have told you if she didn't want to talk about it. Why don't you ask her out on a "real" date. Dinner, and casual drinks. Stay away from your house and hers and maybe after the meal, take a nice walk and discuss it.
You have your own sex issues, ya know, 2 years and all.
We all have fears. She isn't over it and really, I don't know any woman who truly ever is (even with counseling).
If this is the biggest baggage this woman carries, that's not a bad thing.
This will really show what kind of a guy you really are.
Damn, definitely a little heavy for a second "date" or whatever you want to call it.
At the very least you can appreciate her honesty though, right? Instead of just giving you a boner and sending you on your way to think "what the hell?" she was upfront with it. That's gotta be at least two points in her favor.
Very true.
Sounds like you handled yourself well, all things considered.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people... and that's really fucking sad.
Instead of speculating on her motives/issues/intentions, why don't you just ask her? All you can do is listen to what she has to say and react honestly.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/11/five-star-friday-edition-32.html
I don;t have any clever comments today...
I know it is a hard bit...
For bot of you actually...
I've dated a girl that was sexually assaulted when she was 13 years old...
dude... just be there... and be patient...
yeah...
I know...
Whoa SO! That's pretty damn intense!
This Amber girl really doesn't seem like a great fit for you. BUT it's a good step! And I'm proud =] haha
My advice, go out with your boys, get drunk, and find another Amber who's got a few less issues.
Well at least your instincts didn't lead you astray.
Good for you for listening to them (for her sake and yours).
Way to go buddy.
SO the suspense is killing me. Did something happen this weekend?
I had that happen to me in college (girl telling me)...though it happened 3 months after we stopped abruptly seeing me. All was well, then BAM....she disappeared. It happened the previous winter, but I was the first guy since then, she couldn't handle it, etc.
Too bad, she was an amazing girl.
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