It seems as though a lot of "blasts from the pasts" are coming out of the woodwork these days. All thanks to the magic of Facebook.
I just received a "friend request" from a girl who I knew in middle school.
Back story with this one. First time I met her was at an awkward middle school social. I remember being told by my friend Chrissy that this girl named Emma had a crush on me and wanted to know if I would "go out with her". Chrissy played the liaison. She was the messenger. That's how it worked back then.
I didn't even know who she was, but I saw her from a distance and weakly turned to my friend John for some kind of sign of what to say.
John finished lacing up his BK Knights and clasped me on the shoulder.
John: You have to do it. This will be like... your first girlfriend. Maybe you'll get to make out?
If it was good enough for John, it was good enough for me. Still uneasy, I said said the exact opposite of what my gut was telling me, "Sure, I guess." John and Chrissy both assured me I was doing the right thing.
I approached Emma for the first time ever and she shyly flicked her hair back a la' Winnie Cooper in the Wonder Years. We proceeded to have a conversation so incredibly awkward it could ONLY take place in middle school.
I believe in between my struggling to think of things to talk (my mind's kept going to it's default which was my recent discovery of my love of budding breasts), All 4 One's "I Swear" came on. Since we were now "going out" I nervously grabbed her waist and we started to dance.
It was at this time Emma leaned in and kissed me. My middle school's socials provided various entertainment outlets for its students. They opened up the gym for the jocks to shoot free throws. They opened up the computer lab for kids to set their pace to "grueling" on The Oregon Trail or command a tank in Bolo. They also opened up the Art Room and supplied free pop and snacks. One of those refreshments being Nacho Cheese Doritos.
I digress.
Emma leaned into kiss me and I'll never forget it. She tasted like Nacho Cheese Doritos. I was so repulsed that I waited til the song ended (goddamn that sax part!) and then powerwalked straight to my friend Chrissy. I wanted to call off the whole notion of "going out" with Emma Davidson.
I think Emma cried.
Funny how things haven't quite changed that much. I still strongly rely on friends for their input and advice on how to move forward with girls (just replace John with Leo). And I'm dissmissing girls with abstract little quirks.
Today she contacted me via Facebook and now we're friends.
And she's absolutely gorgeous.
She's a model now.
I'm sure there's some lesson to be learned here.
...
Fuck this. I'm going to the store to pick up some chips.
Cool Ranch, naturally.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
66 comments:
a) It *clearly* says that I Swear is by All 4 One. They are the N*SYNC to Boys II Men's Backstreet Boys.
b) I can overlook that because it is a damn good song. And I wish I could have danced to it at a school function. Damn Enrique Iglesias being everyone's hero B.S....
Ha ha ha. That's hilarious. You broke up with the girl right after she kissed you. LOL! Can't believe she turned out to be a model. Bet you're kicking yourself now (=
The day you find the right girl, her nacho cheese kiss will just make her that much more delicious.
The lesson is dont break up with a pretty girl over nacho cheese doritos.
Give yourself at least one day of awkward hand holding at lucnh break to find someother quirky fault with her....
That sounds like every middle school dance I attended, minus the kiss. That was NOT allowed in Catholic school.
Also reminds me of how I asked a guy to "go out with me" on the last day of middle school. I was so progressive for my age. Talk about awkwardness!
Oh, the mistakes we make when we're young.
Eww...Cool Ranch? They are like the dorky Doritos cousin that no one really likes, but they still get a pity invitation to the Family Fun 24 Pack.
Whoever invented Doritos must have some sort of vengence against kissing....they're almost ALWAYS at social events, and they ALWAYS leave you with stink break. DARN YOU DORITOS FOR TASTING SO DELISH!
SO has better luck than he thinks!
You tongue kissed a girl in middle school after knowing her for less than an hour? slut.
Just kidding.
Cool Ranch is the ONLY dorito option.
Crazy how things turn out right? But I do think that going with your gut is usually a good choice. And when you mentioned "the sax part" in I Swear, I immediately got it in my head! lol
How funny - that'll show you not to judge a girl by how she tastes..okay..I digress..bad but funny no?
Sigh. It's probably your breaking up with her that caused her to turn model hot, so just be thanking yourself instead.
I mean, come on. A break-up right after a kiss? That's pretty harsh. Even for middle school ;)
Then again, anything Dorito related stinks. A lot. But boy, are they ever tasty. Just don't eat the Cool Ranch before bed. Doesn't matter if you brush your teeth - you'll still wake up tasting them. And that is definitely something you don't want to roll over next to.
Ooh peer pressure! This is exactly how Girls Gone Wild makes money. Good for you for not giving in to Nacho Cheese doom. Who cares if she's a model? If you had dated her, you might not have met Lynn. :)
is it too late to make out with her now?!?
im hungry, can you send me some doritos please?
I cant believe you had free snacks. What the hell kinda school did I go to? We had to pay to go to "sock hops" in middle school. And we didn't get anything!
I am still stuck on myspace. I can't love facebook. I just cant.
I once had a girl break up with me in 6th grade for holding hands the wrong way. So, Emma, if you read this - why don't you contact me and we can talk through the pain.
It's like a classic Shakespearian quandry:
-- Doth a hot model with Dorito breath smell as sweet?
I say a rose is a rose. Or in this case, I guess it's a hose is a hose.
I'm thinking you need to maybe consider making a list of dealbreakers to post on the blog. maybe you're not as bad as Jerry Seinfeld or whatever, but it's pretty clear you're one picky sonofagun.
Middle school dances were AWKWARD!!! End if the Road was my Boyz II Men song...I'm a little older.
I think this is Karma coming back and biting you in the ass.
Middle school kisses were HORRIBLE. Like the weird lean in open mouth thing? Yuck. Dating is harder now, but it's worth it to actually knwo you're doing.
My pair of British Knights were my favorite shoes of all time.
and I think everyone wanted to get with winnie cooper.
That savage kid was a punk.
Doritos are a terrible choice if you're even remotely thinking about kissing anyone...unless of course you BOTH eat doritos and then that rule is cancelled out. Better to go with a more subtle chip.
It is amazing how many people you can reconnect with through the internet!
The first guy I went out with ended up being 6'10" and the star basketball player at our school. I knew I should've keep going out with him. Who cares if the whole school was mocking me then?
I'm going to have to agree with Amy, another day of awkward handholding. Dorito breathe isn't forever!
Whatever happen to 3 strikes and your out?!
And a model now? Oh yeah baby, that's karma for ya! But she wants to be friends now so perhaps not all is lost?
P.S. I'd hold off on those Doritos during this... *cough* dry spell...
You could have been tasting nacho cheese all over that super model body, but you were so quick to judge.
You are to learn the Ways of the Hogg if you are to travel with me to Alderon . . .
PS: I hate how you get so many comments now that you don't even have time to respond to all of them. When did you become so huge?
My first kiss tasted like peppermint. Better than Nacho Cheese Doritos by far, but still sticky and gross.
i personally prefer sweet and spicy chili doritos.
Sounds like she couldnt have been too traumatized if she requested to be your friend after all this time!
I think you should go for it! Oh, and cool ranch is def the best, but I think you have worst breath after eating those. Who really cares though. It's called gum!
Too funny! The same thing happened to me in middle school. Only I knew the guy but wasn't interested in him that way. Due to peer pressure I ended up dancing w/ him anyway and he leaned in for the kiss. I turned and he kissed my cheek. Grossed me out and I don't think I ever talked to him again. Oops.
Also, all I can think of is this:
(Do you watch south park at all? If you don't you won't get this, but if you do it's from the JLo episode.)
Taco flavored kisses for my Benny. :)
Now had you been eating the Doritos you may not even have noticed.
At least your braces didn't lock together.
Omg, that's amazing. I would have dumped her too. Cool Ranch is clearly the only acceptable Dorito breath to have.
Same thing happened to my little brother. Except the girl tasted like yogurt. I'm sorry, but that is just disgusting.
Hahahahahhaha! Well...I think you´d have to live with a pack of sugar-free mint chewing gum just in case you feel like (or somebody feels like) kissing you again and..well, there´s nothing you can do about it..just change the flavour of the kiss...haha, sorry, I´m being gross now.
Ok I for real hope that is not her real name!
Also, you may or may not have ruined nacho cheese doritos for me. For life.
My recent ex tasted like fish... on our first kiss. It's amazing that we managed to last 4 years.
Live and learn. Sometimes the chicks you aren't interested in are the ones that turn out to be models. Oh well.
"Son of a bitch stole my line." -GWH
Did you ever ask yourself, "What did I smell like?"
BO and Drakkar Noir is my guess.
nacho cheese > cool ranch
but both are better than a lot of other potential kiss tastes, like stale cigarette, chinese food, or natural stank breath
Get the family pack, it's a better value.
Hey, story of my life.
I was an ugly duckling.. and now (as per BF) I am gorgeous now, but with a personality.
*shrug* :) At least she's still being nice to you.. or rubbing it in your Dorito-hatin' face :P
I'm totally having flashbacks to awkward middle school dances. Since the girls and boys at my school were taught in separate classrooms, dances were one of the few times we were all together. I was always super nervous. While I never had the awkward kiss, there was a lot of dancing and reading this made me so glad I never took anything from the snack table!
Wait, are there no standards on Facebook? WTF? I thought there was a law or something that forbids any stalkers from further back than HS from contacting us. am I wrong?
Dammit, then I'm got some to people to hit up....
But if its models you want, I've got some friends. actually, you may know some of them already. just let me know if you want more than one... ;)
I broke up with a guy because he looked too much like Forrest Gump.
In my yearbook that year, everybody wrote "Run, Forrest, run!" or "Me and Jenny was like peas and carr-ots again."
Middle schoolers are clever.
I had a pair of bk knights. Man, could I jump.
i swear is one of my all time faves, you can't deny the awesomeness that is that song.
and if it makes you feel any better, i just found out, via facebook also, that my 5th grade boyfriend is engaged. go figure.
wow.. just wow. You haven't changed much at all, have you?
I think the worst reason I ever broke up with a guy was because he had too much body hair. (and by "too much" I mean he was super pale with black body hair that was about as thick as a grizzly bear. I didn't know until he took his shirt of about 2 weeks into the "dating". I couldn't do it. I pretended I moved.)
you know, though.. after reading this, I could sort of envision you being girl 1 in the previous post. You may not say it out loud, but I bet you would think it.
i'm with you on that. one of the guys i rejected in middle school is now a popular rich athlete...
stupid stupid middle school
Never go against your gut instincts man. You ALWAYS regret it.
In 6th grade my boyfriend (that I didn't really like too much) and I held hands at the skating rink. There, he gave me a necklace. When I saw it, I full on ran away.
Not too long ago, a guy that I was pretty sure had feelings for me (but again, I wasn't interested in) gave me a birthday present. 11 years later, I did the exact same thing and ran away.
You're right. Somethings don't change. OMG I can be so awkward.
Never go against your gut instincts man. You ALWAYS regret it.
In 6th grade my boyfriend (that I didn't really like too much) and I held hands at the skating rink. There, he gave me a necklace. When I saw it, I full on ran away.
Not too long ago, a guy that I was pretty sure had feelings for me (but again, I wasn't interested in) gave me a birthday present. 11 years later, I did the exact same thing and ran away.
You're right. Somethings don't change. OMG I can be so awkward.
It sounds almost as bad as a note I remember getting in school that said "Do you like me, tick yes or no". Oh I am so glad I am no longer in school.
Have you ever dipped cool ranch into plain sour cream? SOOO good. I serve it to my friends and they go NUTS!
NUTS Jerry NUTS!
Well, silver lining, YOU made a model CRY. Yeah. Impressive.
The right girl's Dorito breath (which WILL be Cool Ranch by the way) will leave you wanting more...model or not.
i'm just impressed you made out with a girl in middle school. i didn't manage that until i was 17.
Classic.
That's gross. You would think a middle schooler would be self-conscious enough to chew gum!
You have gotta love "young love"!
That is the purpose of Facebook. To make everyone who ever rejected you feel the sting at your carefully chosen FB picture.
@ Princess Pointful
HAHAHAHAHH
I laugh because... it's true.
Your blog is so great!
Here is an interesting opinion on Facebook...
http://www.wired.com/techbiz/people/magazine/16-11/pl_brown
Post a Comment