"you on your way, young man?"Indeed I was. I got into my car and headed south to spend a day with my ex-girlfriend and her mother. I have hung out with Lynn. And I have spent time with Andy. But never at the same time since the break up, almost two years ago ago.
When Lynn's car pulled up, Andy stepped out with a smile on her face.
"Hello, Mr. Frog."
A playful nickname she had give me back when I was in high school on account of my wide feet.
She walked around the car and gave me a hug. I hugged Lynn and she lead me into her new apartment.
Andy had driven down in a U Haul to bring Lynn all of her things. The living room was cluttered with plastic bins and boxes. 8 potted plants sat on the floor. Andy had packed some things for me to move into my new place as well as potting 4 plants for me.
We spent most of the afternoon lounging around the apartment talking until Lynn suggested we go to Ikea to look for more things for her move.
Andy, Lynn and I strolled down the aisles looking at things that Lynn might need. Andy kept insisting to buy me things for my new place and after telling her 100 times, "No, I'm fine! I promise! You've brought me too many things already", I eventually gave in and let her buy me a lamp and a snazzy cheese grater. With certain people, you learn it's just better not to fight these things.
I must admit that a peculiar feeling washed over me as Lynn and I walked side by side picking out items at Ikea.
"Geeze," I thought. "if Lynn and I were still together and everything went according to plan... her and I would be picking out things for our place. Weird how things turn out."
I physically shook this thought out of my head when Lynn asked me to help her pick out curtains for her room.
After about an hour in Ikea, I could sense an all too familiar feeling. Lynn did/has a tendency to get a little "crabby" when she hasn't eaten for awhile or when she is stressed. She had a midterm the next day and I knew that she was feeling overwhelmed with a day fighting the crowds in Ikea and playing host.
I'll admit that there's this instinct that's difficult to shake off. This powerful urge to make her laugh. Back when we were dating, I'd just ignore her gripes... pull her in, give her a kiss on the forehead or crack a lame joke or simply place a hand on her back and she's instantly snap out of her funk.
But, that wasn't my job anymore. Not my obligation. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
So I didn't. I just kind of her let do her thing and tried to sway the conversation to something else. Instead, I made the suggestion we skip straight to the register and get something to eat. Andy and I exchanged a secret smile, because we both were used to handling Lynn in her crabby mood.
We grabbed a meal at a bar/restaurant combo and being in Costa Mesa, the place was crawling with cookie-cutter girls who all looked the same. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and weaving in between tables, I gave quick glances at the girls I was surrounded by. Might as well have been paper chain figures.
Making my way back from the bathrooms, I quickly tapped our waiter and passed him my credit card. I knew that Andy would put up a fight to pay the bill.
I sat back down at the table and placed my napkin across my lap. Lynn flashed me a smile. It's difficult to really explain how frustrating it is to think that your ex is still the prettiest girl.
The check came (already paid) and Andy was a little upset at my trickery. But I smiled and told her that we were even for all the stuff she bought for me earlier.
After dinner we spent a few more hours back at Lynn's apartment chatting, there was never an awkward moment... it was just like old times. But eventually I had to head back for work the next day. Lynn and Andy helped me load my car with my new treats. I hugged Andy and promised I would see her when I was back home for Christmas.
"Oh! I almost forgot! I have some more music to give you!"
Lynn came running back with a cd. I gave her a hug and climbed into my car. I immediately put in the mix she made for me.
* * *
Now this next part is for those readers who might read this blog for that insight for what it's like to start over again.
A song that came on the mix instantly sent a wave of shivers up my spine and by the end I was covered in goosebumps. I'll paste the YouTube link below as well as the lyrics. Keep the song on in a window and listen to it while you browse other things. I believe it's the perfect song to sum up this post and my feelings thus far.
I hope it does the same for those of you who are still in the thick of things.
And for my fellow lyric fiends who are like me and have to read while listening:
Relient K "Up and Up" Acoustic version
Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be
CHORUS
'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you
Now I have all that I could ever need
The confidence of knowing there's still time.
Time to make amends and try to build a better me
And to take the right steps as this road unwinds
You see I'm finally catching onto it, the past is just a conduit
And the light at the end is where I'll be
CHORUS
Never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down, I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why, yeah, you're why
CHORUS
70 comments:
Thanks Mr SO@24.
Pretty much sums up where I've got to so far too.
Onwards and upwards, ol' bean!
Lynn is very pretty even with her purple stripe eyes.
I think you two have come along way from where you were post break up.
That song isnt normally something i'd listen to but i think it really is you and lyn. seperately of course.
Do we get to see pics of your new ikea purchases or is that too feminine??
I think it's fantastic (and says really good things about you) that you're on good terms with Lynn and her mom.
I love how well you get on with your ex. I don't communicate with any of mine! Also, LOVE relient k!!
Don't you think that someday it would be healthier for you to cut the ties with the ex and her mom?
Did you consider what will become of the 3 of you if you get a new woman in your life?
Maybe this is reason you haven't moved on entirely.
You can't move forward if you are always looking back.
Maybe you should have done the boyfriends thing at Ikea anyway.
Dude I'm so stealing the song! And when I get a chance I'm going to starting reading SO@24 from the very beginning - nothing more non-fiction than real life. Hope the online dating is getting kinder.
I could never, ever have done that. And then I would have thrown that CD in the trash before ever tainting my mind. The good news is you got stuff bought for you.
Relient K is a funny band because on so many occasions, they hit the mood/perspective of a relationship spot on. I can't help but think, while I'm listening to that song, that I'm in some sort of movie watching you guys with a montage of pictures of the two of you flashing in front of me. Weird.
Have to admit that I so wanted you to put your hand behind her back. Just because its no longer your job doesn't mean you can't be nice. Can't stop myself from smiling at the mere fact that you still think Lynn is the prettiest girl.
Although you and Lynn are friends and you would not change that, I am sure, it must be hard when occasions like this crop up and it is almost like starting over all over again.
My ex once asked me to help him pick out a new comforter and sheets for his bed.
Then he gave me a link to what was probably the most expensive sheets I've ever seen.
He's an asshole.
On a totally different note, I kind of wish you two would get back together.
I'm jealous that you can hang with her. It's been almost 3 years without my ex and I want to punch him in the face when he even emails me!
Love the song!
It's great that you still have a good relationship with your Ex and her ma. I don't get along or really communicate with my Exes. I always think it's great when someone can remain friendly with their exes. I haven't had an Ex yet where I didn't want to just hit whenever I see him. Also, love the song!
I used to visit my ex and his mom too when we had broken up. We slowly eased away from each other, but they were such a part of my life and I theirs, that I really needed that easing out to be able to function. This post brought back some memories!
I never argue when my mom offers to pay, I don't want to be rude.
That is nice you and Lynn can be friends still. I pretend all ex's are dead.
Wait so you also moved? I remember the post about looking for an apt but did I miss something?
Don't know if anyone has told you this before or not, but to move on, you do have to cut the ties all together. At least for a while. Otherwise you are going to be living your past day in and day out. It's painful, but if you don't cut it now, you may continue to be in this cycle of not moving on for a long time. And that is even worse.
My ex moved to the town where I lived this summer, and I was the only person he knew. It was weird helping him house shop and furniture shop, thinking that if things were different, we would be picking out our home and our furniture.
But it is nice to come home to my current boyfriend and realize that this is me now, and that was me then.
Plus the ex picked out some hideous rugs.
thanks for the song-- I am such a song-loving girl to express myself, and this is a good one for me too. (as I'm sure you already know)
And I'm ALLLLLL for keeping good relationships with exes and families and such. So, let me commend you for achieving a very difficult task that not everyone is mature enough to do. Good on ya. ALthough you may be finding it tougher to move on by hanging with Lynn and her Mom (as Shorty kinda mentioned above), I am glad that you haven't tainted the memory and tried to 'erase' your history with them. A 6-year relationship isn't something you just throw away once it's over.
I think it is great that you two are still such good friends. I hope that she isn't holding you back from dating though!
Love the song - and you are DEFINITELY on the "up and up"!
You're coming this Saturday! Right!?
Bring your girlfriend, Lynn. That should be fun!
Just marry Lynn already.
Sometimes life throws up more crap than we bargained for.. one day a mail from a new interesting person, a flashback from the past the next. Kinda messes your head up for a while.
I think you should be thankful to Lynn's mom for giving you this CD and powerful message along with it! Yes, you're Starting Over @ 24.. and you're on the up and up!
Cool song and nice story, but duuuuude. You know I think of you like a younger brother, so at the risk of sounding harsh, KNOCK IT OFF!
This nasty nostalgia affliction is chronic, and must be dealt with, sooner than later. some memory erasing drug (tequila?) or maybe an exorcism is in order.
move on. for your own good. the end.
I don't know how the hell you stay friends with your ex.
:)
I would've tried to erase them out of my life ASAP if things ended.
Oh and I'm linking to this hot mess.
Oh, I am SO on Team Move On.
Now, this is just my opinion, but if I was a girl considering dating you and I read this post, it would creep me out to know that you are still this close with not only your ex but her mom. It screams Baggage.
Again, JUST my opinion, everything you've said in this post makes it extremely clear that you are not over this girl. You're not at the point where you can start a healthy relationship with a new girl if you're still puppy-dogging around the Ex.
I do wish you the best though! And you're only young, you'll get there eventually!
hm about that song...one of my bffs broke up with her guy because she wanted to become a better version of herself for him.
as it was, when she grew as a person she became someone who was incompatible with her ex-bf who had stayed the same. she tried to get back together with him regardless and we're all sick of hearing about it.
dude... what would leo say. what would leo say!
I can see why you got goosebumps... I still have a cordial relationship with my ex's mom... she doesn't buy me stuff though - I may have to talk to her about that.
So sounds like you had a good time with them. I admit from my own experiences that it is hard at times, but 6 years is a long time- you have lots of history with them...eventually you'll get a gf and she'll get a bf and you'll move on, but there is nothing wrong with still being their friends- move on when its time, and for now enjoy the good times. Just dont give into your feelings...it'll only make things harder for you. lol. i'm having dinner with my ex tonite- we've had 5 years of history- and i'm not really ready to give that up just yet- and neither should you. :D
I'm not sure which is more work - a break-up or helping someone move. You are a brave man for conquering them both in teh same day.
funny how people urge you to move on (they want you to wallow in pain with them) when in reality, deep inside you don't want to. just remember, you make your own decisions. it still sounds as if you harbor feelings. why not make a second gO? what do you have to lose?
Well I hope I can eventually hang out with my ex. But he understandably doesn't want to. This post made me sad.
kudos for kicking it with the ex...I could never
That sounds like a pretty heavy day. So many memories, huh? You'll find it again.
that's so cool you have such a close relationship with lynn and her mom. and so sweet her mom still buys you things :)
That was a beautiful song! I was covered with goosebumps by the chorus. I just want you and Lynn to be together! I mean I know thats probably the general consensus and all and you're probably doing the whole "aww yaa i know i know, me too sometimes but its for the better.." is it, So? is it!? she still loves you i know it!
I love Andy, so sweet. and you too! alright I'm done.
I'm so impressed that you spent a non-drama filled day with your ex and her mom. Every interaction with me and my ex is insanity.
Did you buy a coke table? I would, after that sort of experience but maybe I'm just bitter
I'm with Maxie. A small part of me is wishing you'd two would get back together!
I love that you label this post "emo shit"--it kinda puts it all into perspective. Thanks for the post! We've all been there.
Anyone who can hang out with their Ex and their mother is almost inhuman. I'm impressed with your ability to remain friends; it speaks a lot about your character.
I can also appreciate a good ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend friendship as long as it doesn't hinder new relationships to evolve.
Hey B- :) God bless Andy, eh?
Mail me.
i love the fact (and am jelous of the fact) that you and your ex and her mom infact are still friends. me and my ex--absolutely not.
sigh. we tried. its not happening. his new wife has tried...nope.
good song tho! kinda slow for me.
i guess i'll just live vicariously through you
So generally, I don't like Relient K.
But this song. Wow.
Thanks for that.
I can't believe how you're not only able to maturely hang out with these people who used to mean so much to do, but to alter your behavior so you're not falling into a pattern like you're still the way you were. You impress me.
I have to agree with SouthernBelle...
At some point, you have to make a mental break and accept that it's over. Last holiday season, my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up...and we're older than you are! Talk about a life change. We both wanted to be friends, but we took a few weeks (little over a month) to not talk very much and just to our own thing. The space helped us get all the negative thoughts out without yelling nasty things to the other person. We waited 4 months before seeing each other, and that space was helpful as well. For us, we really needed to take time apart and move on with our own lives before we could come back together as friends. Now, when we're together and I know he's hurt or upset, my honest first reaction is the same one I have for my girl friends, and not the feeling I had when we were together and I wanted to comfort him.
All easier said than done, I know. I totally support exes as friends, but I think you have to bag the relationship baggage before you can truly make it work.
I really loved this post. Thank you for sharing it, and thank you for sharing the song with us.
i fall a little more in love with you after reading every post. you are going to be a fabulous husband, someday -winks-
And I LOVE this song.
Always weird to be around the ex again. It brings up good and bad memories. At least for me it does.
The new lamp and grater are awesome. I totally wish we had ikea in this neck of the woods...
Wow...
the song says it all!!
wow
Sounds like overall it was a really nice day -- but you know that Andy's got an agenda, right?
I don't mean that in a negative way -- she sounds like a really great lady.
But she clearly wants you two back together.
You have considered this, right?
I think it is so incredibly awesome that you are able to maintain a good relationship with your ex and her mom, especially since you guys dated for so long. That can't be easy. I'm pretty sure that if I had to spend the day shopping at Ikea with one of my exes and their mom....some serious shit would go down. Like dramatically smashing an Ikea lamp on the floor and yelling "This is what you did to my heart!" but, y'know, kudos to you.
I loves IKEA.
I have an ex like Lynn (except he's a boy). Whenever I see or talk to him, I always get nostalgic. Then I'm just glad we stayed friends.
After reading the title, I knew this was a post I should avoid. But because I'm super toxic, I read it anyways.
I always want to pretend that I don't feel any of those 'things'. While at the same time, hoping that he maybe does feel some of those 'things'. Effed up, I tell ya. Stupid love!
And I don't believe those who say you can't remain friends with the ex family. After two years, I am still very close to my ex's mother. Both ex and I have been in other relationships (me for a long time) and that hasn't affected my relationship with ex's mother. So whatever, do your thing!
Great post so@24...great..I might be feeling a bit over-sensitive...but after reading the post..when listening and reading the song..even tears came out..I wished I´ll never give up either..but it sounds like a pretty difficult thing to do right now :( Great post anyway, I loved it.
I’m sorry, maybe I’m reading this wrong. It sounds like a very nice day and at the end she made you a CD that seemed to say- Let me do this for now, let me grow up a little so we can be together again and do it the right way.
Am I alone on that? Tea leaves reading wrong?
Oh...your post was so wonderful, SO!
That sounds like the day went as well as it could have, considering it was a day spent with your ex and her mom, no matter how close you are or were.
Glad you're in a good place.
Great song!
I am afraid you've been going to this site too often for inspiration:
http://hntgl.com/
In fact, you have probably submitted a few yourself...
Awwwwwww.
And that is all I have to say about that.
I think Lynn's mom has a crush on you. Have you considered this option?
Also, as sweet as this story was, do you think the best way to get over your ex is to go shopping with her and her mom for her new place? That sounds like little daggers of fun directly into your scrotum.
i'm so trying not to be over-anything.. but after what i've been through tonight.....
the fact that you aren't a saint in unbelievable.
snip, snip
that was kinda gut wrentching. Now I have to read your archives to find out what happened to you two!
LOVE that song, but i totally got a lump in my throat towards the end there. thanks for that, buddy.
i'm so happy that after everything you guys had / have been through you're still able to do stuff like that, it's nice.
xox
Relient K FTW.
Kudos for trying again, but really man hanging out with the ex and her mom?
Makes you dwell as does posting about here.
Do something, find someone else.
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