But relationship advice? I don't think I'm a guru. However, it seems so simple to me. I thought about this while sitting in a booth with my friend Veronica as she spilled her guts about a current boy dilemma she was having. And then yesterday, a fellow blogger initiated a gchat conversation asking for my point-of-view on a male issue.
In both situations, as I took everything in, I couldn't help but think that these problems have a very simple solution. I am going to provide you with the golden rule, the magical key to Narnia...
Do what you want.
Most people wouldn't think that this is very good advice (Veronica certainly didn't). Allow me to break down my thought process.
I'm the type of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I understand that this isn't the best method for everyone, but having to always second guess your actions and constantly holding your cards close to your chest while sweat pours down your brow is one of the things I detest about the dating scene.
I'll use a simple (and quite popular) case to illustrate my point. Girl wants to call guy up, but girl overthinks and processes of every possible scenerio what might go wrong. E.g. guy might be scared off, guy might never return phone call, guy might gouge eyes out like Oedipus, guy might chug a bottle of Draino and throw himself off of a penthouse balcony.
If you feel like calling someone. Call them. If you feel like asking them out again. Ask em.
I don't get why people constantly struggle over these things. What are they afraid of? If the guy really likes you, then he'll enjoy the phone call! If he gets annoyed, or scared off, or any other other emotions that I can't quite relate to in regards to a simple phone call... then is he really going to be the one that you want to see again?
These back and forth games of trying to figure out what the other person is thinking, anticipating their move and holding back what you want to do to is absurd to me. It's a shitty game of Risk. And I fucking hate Risk.
onward to unnecessary over-analysis!If you want to do something just do it.
If the guy really likes you, he's not going to be weirded out by a phone call. He's going to look forward to it. If he's anything other than excited, then do you really want to be with this guy anyway?
Anyway.
That's my thought process.
Take it with a grain of a salt. After all, it is ME you're asking.
You wouldn't ask a multiple amputee to hold your beer, right?
45 comments:
i love you.
oh, i'm sorry...was that too forward? ;)
thanks again hun.
xo, babs
Ha! You are great.
I almost 100% agree with this post. I definitely agree that playing games is, in most cases, a supreme waste of energy (unless it's fun for you and then more power to you). Lay your cards on the table and if Dude is interested, he'll bite. If he doesn't, move on. Pronto.
However, I think there are a few situations in which this strategy can be Bad News Bears.
1. If the dude is a friend, a coworker, a roommate, or any other relationship that could be seriously strained if he realizes you unrequitedly dig him. In these cases, I say proceed with caution and look for major signs that he's interested before showing all of you cards.
2. If the dude is the type who might just passively go along for the ride even if he's not interested. I think this happens a lot when women are active pursuers (I think it happens when men are active pursuers, too) and it can be really heartbreaking in the end. Personally, I don't want to give my heart to someone who has, you know, only given me a pen.
i enjoy the "do what you want" school of thought only sometimes it much easier said/thought then done.
love the blog btw...
Ha! I was just going through a similar dilemma and decided that it's stupid to play games and i should just "do what i want."
I also say that you should take your own advice, especialy in certain circumstances that involve approaching girls at bars.
While easier said than done, I think your advice is really great.
This is sound advice, it's just that it's sooo much easier said than done. And sometimes not always acting on doing what you want to do at the moment saves your ass in the long run. So it's tricky... and humans are weird.
Oh, and I would let a multiple amputee hold my beer... that dude is gonna give that task 110%!
I completely agree. Things might not turn out the exact way you'd like, but if you do and say what you feel, then at least you'll stop worrying what might happen, and you'll never regret what could have happened.
*applauds* Bravo!
My first few dates with The Boy were like that, where I endlessly agonized over what he was thinking, if he liked me or not, what I should do, so on and so forth. By date #3, I was tired of flailing around aimlessly and decided I was just going to kiss him already -- if he wasn't into me, then at least I'd know for sure and could move on.
And as scary as it is to put your heart on the line, I think it works out better in the end for everyone involved. Better to know than not.
Good advice, darlin'!
It is often easier to analyze/advise on someone else's situation, but you have a great perspective!
Glad you shared. :)
Good advice, it would be so simple if the world worked like that. This reminded me of this post It's me! The girl who isn't like every other girl!
Soooo many games being played. "Do what you want" would be too easy and no one likes easy. haha
keep up the good work!
We over-think this type of stuff because of fear of rejection. We can all take a fair amount of rejection, but too much hurts, imho.
I wish everyone would just say what they mean. Gr.
Fear sucks. Fear leads to doubt, doubt leads to mistrust, mistrust leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side! I am Yoda.
But the 'No Fear' motto is easier said than done, as many have already said here. So here's something I saw on a coffee mug recently that I'm trying to act on:
What would you attempt if you were CERTAIN you could not fail?
Make it a Great Day, everybody....
Blah, as if it's that easy. People are scared of rejection! That's why we fuck around! Simple.
That works well and good until the crazy takes over...
You're thinking about sleeping in your car outside your exe's house just in case he changes his mind? Do what you want.
You want to sloppy make-out with that guy you've just met in the middle of the bar? Do what you want.
yeah i definitely learned this tactic over the years of singledom as well. just gotta do what you want and hope it works out for you, and if not, move on to the next one, haha.
I agree with this a lot actually. I hate all of the dancing around each other and the games you play at the very beginning.
Go with your gut. If you want to call, call.
People over think everything. I would like to meet your double amputee friend.
I HATE RISK. Why the hell do people like that game? How is it even "a game"?!?!?!
I disagree. RISK is awesome. It's the only time in history that Australia is the most important part of the world.
And it's great advice. And for those who whine that it is easier said than done. Fucking WHAAAAA! LIFE itself is easier said than done. Get off the god damned sidelines and get involved. If you live your life in fear (of rejection, of loss, of failure, of whatever) it will pass you by and all you will be left with is regret.
Awesome advice. The obvious addendum is to not ignore the reaction - if the guy/girl is weirded out, don't pretend they aren't. Blinders are stupid.
I think this advice is good in theory, but the problem is not that it's easier said than done; I think it's that everyone is used to people around them playing games, so if you're straightforward, they assume it's part of a game too. For example, if I get up the nerve to just call someone to ask him out, he usually ends up thinking I'm just really obsessed with him and the call IS me playing it cool. And that becomes annoying.
they do say that those who can't do teach; maybe that's why you get asked all these relationship things ;)
i for one like to go in circles about stupid guy things with my friends as a way to pass the time. we all know it comes down to 'do what you want'
also, risk is a terrible game.
I agree - although my interpretation is more simply "go with the flow" - if you want to call him, call him, and if he's receptive, it should work out, if not, well fuck that.
The longer you DON'T call, the more she thinks you're not interested.
"Do what you want" Sounds good to me, sometimes I think that's my moral code. But sometimes in these games, I mean relationships, I fall into the same traps.
It's true. It's the philosophy I try to follow. But there's always that fear that you'll leave a bad impression by being too forward or being yourself... and if you leave one person with a bad impression then they might dismiss you to their friends ("She's desperate", "She's boring", etc.). Then you lose a whole circle of potentials who are no longer even going to try.
*shudder*
See, I said I'd comment. Excellent blog, each and every post. :)
Your thought process is fantastic...
a) your "advice," simply as it may be, is pretty much in line with mine.
b) your references are brilliant. From Silent Running to Oedipus... and everything in between. Brilliant, indeed.
...You should take your own advice.
:)
Like that time I, clumsy girl, slipped on some sort of fruit in the grocery store as I was passing a hot guy and I lost him? Yeah, so if he can't handle watching a girl slip in a grocery store (without even falling), how's he going to handle it when I accidentally break his nose one day?
I agree. No games, just do it. It's hard enough when everybody involved is blatantly honest. Why make it even harder with mixed messages and lies by omission?
I'd ask that amputee to hold my beer in his butt hole. Wait, I mean OPEN it with his butt hole.
You hate Risk? I fucking love it. Give me Madagascar and I will spread through Africa like AIDS, then sneak into South America, the North America . . . You get the idea.
That AIDS reference was insensitive. Sorry. Come to think of it, so was the amputee bit. Well, would you expect anything less?
Great advice and I agree. It's too time consuming being anything but honest.
I hate head cases!
And by honest, I mean stating you case.
Nice! I totally agree. You should take risks. If you don't, what do you have to be proud of?
Also--I'm right there with you on knowing the lyrics to Salute your Shorts. :)
Do what you want, eh? I dig it.
It's been said that the people who put themselves out there and take a risk are the ones who receive the biggest rewards.
I think this is true.
This is a brilliant piece of rhetoric. That being said though, please consider...
How do I know what I really want?
do it do it do what u want.
luv it
I love Risk....
You know what I´m like though! MUCH LOVE!
xx
I hear ya! That all sounds good and dandy. It works well in theory but in reality we are just not built that way. I would love to tell my crush I'm crushing on him but I don't want to get crushed in the meantime. I think we know we someone is really into us and not that is why we play these games with ourselves.
So@24: Wasn't this a simpsons episode? Didn't that turn out badly? ;)
I think sometimes people just want someone they feel like that can relate to to listen.
and I think your advise is good. games suck!
I think that's great advice. One of my biggest problems is worrying about how other people will perceive my decisions regarding relationships.
I love this advice. It's what I keep trying to tell my friend but she never listens.
AMEN!!! Agree with you all the way! Nike got it right: Just freakin' do it.
I heart Daniel Tosh. Saw him at the Improv in Phoenix. Frickin' HI-larious.
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