We spent most of Friday trying to polish off half g's of Smirnoff and singing (shouting) Shiny Toy Guns "You Are The One" at the top of our lungs. But come Saturday evening, I was out of ideas how to entertain my friend.
Leslie: How about a strip club? (eyes widen, mouth opens in huge cartoony smile) We need to get your mind of Lynn and onto some boobies!
Guh. Strip clubs. I hate strip clubs. There's nothing fun about strips clubs:
- You have to pay to get in
- You have to pay for drinks
- You have to pay just to watch
- I always feel bad for the girls (even though I'm sure there are some who actually enjoy it and could give two shits). But I still feel bad.
- It's a cocktease. "It's like rubbing wax fruit all over a hungry man"
- Let's face it... strip clubs are fucking awkward.
I drive us down to the Sunset Strip and each time I look in the passenger seat, Leslie is rubbing her hands together in a mischievous manner.
As we pay our cover, I notice the girl in the cashier's box is actually pretty cute. But what the fuck am I going to do? Ask this girl out after shelling out $15 cover for a strip club?
We get inside and NO ONE is there; it is 7:30 afterall. Music is playing. There's a girl dancing. But no one is there.
Leslie: Alright! Let's sit down!
So@24: I can't believe we're doing this. Let's go to the back and drink more.
Leslie: No way. We're doing this. This will cheer you up, I promise!
So@24: Fine, but we're sitting in the very back.
Leslie: Fuck that! You think this is just about you? I want to see some naked ladies too.
So@24: Sigh.
So. It's Leslie and me at the stage. There's some guy in the back, wearing a greasy trench coat, and nursing what looks to be a rum and coke.
Some girl comes on stage and during her routine, accidentally trips on her underwear. She nervously kicks it aside and I'm actually embarrassed for both of us. Leslie is cracking up.
When I get nervous, I pull out my cellphone and start texting. Leslie, meanwhile, starts putting HER dollar bills in front of me so she can enjoy watching me squirm in confusion when the stripper keeps coming over to me.
After the song is over, I tell Leslie I need to be drunk before I go in there again. We walk across the street to some margarita joint and we continue to pound drinks.
Leslie pulls us BACK into the strip club and by now the place is packed.
Leslie: I'm getting you a lapdance.
So@24: No dude, no. Seriously. And I'm not doing that thing where it's like, "Oh please don't surprise me on my birthday and tell the staff at Applebees!" and then you secretly do it and it's humiliating and everyone there gets a good laugh. I'm serious, Leslie. DON'T DO IT--
Suddenly. A tap on my shoulder.
Before I can even finish my sentence or even turn around to see who the mysterious tapper is, I glare at Leslie. Leslie smiles back.
Leslie: Have fun.
I shoot daggers.
Great. Now I have to act like I'm all excited to do this, because I feel like if I don't... I'm insulting my designated stripper. Wait a second... it's that awkward stripper from earlier! The one who tripped herself
So@24: (with feigned excitement) Hey... you!
Vanessa the Stripper: Ready?
So@24: Oh yeah. Totally, man. Totally.
Vanessa the Stripper grabs my hand. Oh fuck me. She's holding my hand? Am I holding hands with a stripper? This is weird man, this is weird, this is weird.
She leads me to this back room. It feels like I'm going to the SATs or something. I really, really don't want to do this.
I shit you not, the song she picks to dance to is Blink 182's "Always". I'm not sure how many people know this song, but it has to make the top list of songs NEVER to strip to (along side Eric Clapton's "Tears from Heaven" and John Williams "Back to the Future theme"). Not only are you stripping to a Blink 182 song, but the lyrics are depressing as hell. Especially when you're in the middle of a serious break up:
I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So Vanessa starts doing her thing.
Vanessa the Stripper: ...... .... ....?
So@24: What??
Vanessa the Stripper: I said, could you pull your chair closer?
So@24: Oh right. Uh sure. I couldn't hear you because the music... you know... it's loud.
Vanessa the Stripper: I know right?
So@24: Right.
Vanessa the Stripper then tries do some weird, fancy stripper move where she flips her leg over my shoulder. But because she's obviously a novice, she accidentally clips me on the shoulder. Hard.
Vanessa the Stripper: Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
So@24: It's cool. I'm okay.
So@24's inner monologue: I'm going to kill you Leslie.
And then she strips her underoos off. Do I look at this?? I feel like it's like the Lost Ark; you're not supposed to be looking directly at her greedy love hole or else your face melts off (that's right, TWO Raider's references).
Don't look at it!Shut your eyes, Marion!
Don't look at it, no matter what happens!
Don't look at it, no matter what happens!
Do I plaster a phony smile the entire time? Act like I'm getting my rocks off looking at this?
The song ends. Thank God.
Vanessa the Stripper: So, do I have you for another song?
So@24: Uh thanks, but no... um, my friend bought this for me. And... don't... have any... more... money. But it was nice. Thanks again.
Fuck.
I hate strip clubs.
Happy birthday, Leslie!
56 comments:
Hilarious.
"along side Eric Clapton's "Tears from Heaven" and John Williams "Back to the Future theme""
Seriously.
I always have the most awkward time at the strip club. My pal Jill is like an expert lap dance getter, while I'm nervously making small talk. Like, "wow, you have a great ass, do you do squats?"
And then I get hit on.
That is incredibly awesome. I have never been in a strip club, and we have a lot of raunchy hick ones here. I've always wanted to go, just to get the experience. Poor thing, did you at least leave her with a little tip or something? ;)
I think we should have a battle to see who can mention BTTF the most times in one weeks worth of posts.
Brilliant, blog. And I mean *brilliant*.
okay so as awkward as this situation was for you, it made one hilarious post. love it.
hahahahahahahahaha
Oh buddy. I don't get the strip thing either, I'd feel terrible. I will say that at least the women are more attractive that most of the men. And more likely to be straight as well. Sorry Leslie- I'm sure they could still be pay for play:)
This was the best re-enactment of the honest on-goings of those whacked places.
I hope there's some embarrassing payback planned for Leslie. It's only fair.
I'm on for BTTF challenge '08. Its on like ping pong.
As a dude I hate strip clubs too. More for the "Thanks for getting me worked up for nothing" part of it.
YOU LOVED IT, DON'T LIE. When I come back we're going again!
You just killed my inner curious FB who has wondered about what a strip club is all about
I needed to laugh, and you referenced Indiana Jones, and by default, my husband Harrison Ford. So thanks bunches.
Ugh, one time Joe went to a strip club while we were dating and the next day I asked him how it was and his response was, "Great! I still can't get the smell of tits off me." Call it coincidence but we ended shortly there after.
Also, rainbow font for leslie was a nice touch.
I think I might have to tell the story of when I was taken to a strip club on a date...
By the way, I don't think you are supposed to be listening to the music.
I hate strip clubs. They're so raunchy and I always feel weird. I obviously go because I end up with my guy friends who want to go. So I just sit there looking awkward cause I don't want to watch this girl taking her clothes off in front of me.
Oh man I know how awkward you must have felt.
When I turned 18 my friends dragged me to a strip club and bought me a lap dance.
I was so not into it I just kept looking at the dancer's hands. One had a weird scar on it, so when my friend's excitedly asked me how it was, all I could say was "she had weird hands..."
Strip clubs are expensive and not that much fun...
Hilarious. Laughed my ass off while reading this.
My girlfriends took me to a male strip club on my 18th birthday, but added an even more awkward twist- they dressed me up as a pregnant woman first (and made a fake pillow belly pretty convincing!) The night then proceeded to a lap dance, and the inevitable being called up on stage show that you referenced, while I tried to convince the guys not to touch the belly "for the safety of the baby".
Yes, they're real friends, and they know I'm a good enough sport to appreciate having a good story to tell later :)
honestly, do you make this stuff up? you have a never ending supply of really awesome stories.
Two things.
1. When I was a stripper I always performed to Back to the Future. It's a real crowd-pleaser.*
2. The strip club I went to a couple of times with my crazy bi-curious friend was so ghetto that there wasn't a women's restroom and we got to go backstage to the strippers' changing rooms. It was hilarious and mildly awkward.
(*Note: I was never actually a stripper. But I would use that song, if I were.)
that's hilarious, I'm with you, strip clubs just leave you frustrated.
and now you're tagged!
Neeever been to a strip club. Always wanted to though!!
Hillarious! I've been to 2 strip clubs and I like the ones where they keep their underwear ON much better! I know I'm a girl but it's fun to see how acrobatic they are...without glimpsing twat.
hilarious!
and awkward... all at the same time :)
i hate strip joints too, and I've been to my share. Ugh. Seriously, not really too willing to ever do that again. I'm not a lesbian, but I went for shits and giggles, but the guys I was with (who were smoking and joking before hand) suddenly switched off their brains and turned into drool-monkeys when the first girl came out.
Awkward.
hahahaha. I'm a big fan of strip clubs, but I will agree they're quite awkward at times. My friends have gotten me a lap dance before and I never know where to look.
At least she didn't get you a "hot seat" where they take you on stage and do the lapdance.
The part I found weird was the fact that she took you in a different room. Around this area that's what they do when you pay a little extra to get a happy ending, lol.
Awkward strip club moment from hell! I hope your subsequent strip club moments are much less awkward!
Very interesting - I just started reading this blog. I never knew it could be so awkward for a guy going to a strip club. Thanks for the insight and entertainment!
The triping over her underwear is hysterical but I think I have one that tops that!
It was my 21st birthday. In Vegas. I had never been to one. My girls thought it would be fun. We go to probably the trashiest one in town. Take a seat. This black girl comes out. Her hair is pulled back very tightly and then is long and flowy. She starts twirling around the pole and as soon as she gets some speed her hair piece goes FLYING off and hits some guy in the face!!!!!! EMBARRASING but it gets worse. She tries to play it cool so, as sexy as she can, she starts crawling over to him to retrieve said hair piece!!!!!!
It was so embarrasing I was mortified FOR HER!!!!!!
Poor stripper. I would have felt so bad for her tripping and hitting you on the shoulder.
I think stripping to Blink 182 has to be one of the most un-sexy things ever. I would have been WTFing the whole time.
OMG! I love strip clubs, maybe she just took you to the wrong one... I'm sorry you had such a bad experience (even if it was funny)! I guess I have to think of a new Christmas presant for you now...
note to self: NO lap dances for SO@.
Only you would have the most awkward encounter with a stripper EVER!
*sigh*
Strip clubs are fun! But maybe because I'm not hoping to do the strippers, and only if someone else is paying.
Strippers are just...nasty. I've gone with my guy friends before and it's completely awkward. How can a bunch of guys feel comfortable sitting around getting turned on together?
At a friend's birthday party once, the stripper decided that she wanted to give lap dances to the birthday boy and to the only two girls there (me and my friend)
The chick had bruises all over her body, stretch marks, a birth control patch on her arm, and looked drugged. She must have been only 22 too. Depressing as all hell.
AHAHAHAHA! I've never been to a strip club, but I've always suspected that they would be as deeply awkward and traumatic as you've just described.
I hope her crabs didn't leap off of her onto you.
leslie is too busy licking vagina to hang out with me anymore.
and yes, im bitter.
i hate strip clubs too. everything you said, i feel. so uncomfortable.
Dude, I'm so coming in town next time Leslie does!!! haha!
**just to watch you squirm!
haha. ok i made the mistake of reading this at work. you know. at the school. while people are walking around freely in the office. and i'm trying hard not to burst out laughing. which i fail miserably at. while my 50 year old co worker passes by and screams why are you reading about strippers?!!
ha. love it.
Haa...I agree with the awkward! I for one, cannot get over feeling bad for the strippers and wondering how they got to the point where they are doin' this jazz for money. Like, thats someone's kid...
Not that I'm judging or anything- I mean, maybe its their...uh passion and calling in life. In which case..shoot for your dreams, eh!
I got tossed from a strip club for 'touching' - hey, it's there, they're waving it around and I'm a touchy kinda girl.
I maintain they liked it.
yuck yuck yuck.
i'm not a big fan of strip clubs either, mainly because those bitches all have bad extensions and i just think there's no excuse for that especially when you make $1000 a night for being naked.
plus i already have boobs and i don't need to look at anyone else's in their desperate attempt to raise money for college/childcare/cancer-research/coke-habit/rehab/payoff-for-former-pimp/clear-shoes/sick-mom's-medical-care or whatever it is strippers are claiming these days.
all of that aside, i'm not above shaking my ass on a bar and perhaps making a buck.
i just don't want to watch anyone else do it.
That is hillarious!
Ha! Too funny!
Speaking as a former strip club DJ whose seen things from both sides -- I suggest you try it again.
This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct. Your eyes can deceive you -- don't trust them.
I couldn't agree with you more, stripper clubs are just sad to be at. I always want to sit down with the girls and give them a counseling session on the spot- because most of them look so depressed to me.
you never cease to make me laugh. happy weekend :)
"I feel like it's like the Lost Ark; you're not supposed to be looking directly at her greedy love hole or else your face melts off." Hahaha funniest line EVER.
My friend bought me a dance once and I motor-boated the girl. Then my face smelled like cocoa-butter.
I never understood the big deal of strip clubs, why do some guys love to go?
It has to be soo awkward! Weirdness!
Interesting...just came over here from another blog. I was also in a 6yr relationship...I've been single now for almost 2yrs; love it.
ALSO, I happen to be a stripper. I just started 3 months ago to save money for university in BC. (I live in Ontario). I must say that everything you stated is true. The job is what it is.....you can have fun at the dancing part and stage shows....but honestly, it is awkward and most of the girls are weird. Mind you....I'm still technically a novice and I've never kicked anyone in the shoulder....and YES, you should look at it ;) hahaha
This post was hilarious! I think I might love you :P
She's a newbie. A vet would just roll with it and get you to buy another one without you realizing it.....LOL. One of the few advantages of dating strippers was getting to hear the stories. You should have bought your friend Leslie a dance....it was her b-day and all!
ps. I don't much like strip clubs, as every guy that walks in there is just a walking bill that they are looking to pay...not exactly an appealing way to think about it.
Oh, and if you go in on a relatively busy night and you get a ton of attention, that means you are the mark, as the low hanging fruit is picked first.
I'll go if I have friends there, b/c they typically bring over some drinks and hang out, particularly on slow nights. On slow nights it feels like a bar where clothing is optional. :D
Don't know if its been said here already or not, but your uneasiness is spot on, and for a good reason. Its been at least a decade for me, but I remember one college-age hottie I was sure was making eyes just for me as she danced - you know, always making eye contact whenever she turned, and smiling, seemingly ignoring the other guys, etc. And I thought maybe I could live the dream, if for just one night. Turns out she wasn't, she was just good at her job.
Just remember: the stripper hates you....
LOL we took my friend to a strip club for his birthday and bought him a lap dance. He said the most awkward thing was the "stripper" was already naked, but the music hadn't started yet, she she was sitting there chatting with him.
Then we were about to leave and I was fishing around in my purse for some lip balm, found it was about to apply when someone bumped my arm and the lip balm fell, open side down, on the floor...Eww! I left it. It was my fav too!
http://myonlinedatingdiaries.blogspot.com/
Dude, THIS is your Holden Caulfield Night Part 2! You got a stripper (call girl in Holden's case) but weren't interested in what she has to offer and she's a newbie. Hahaha.
Gawd. You are sooo Holden.
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