Leo, Jack, Leroy and I head to a friend's birthday party on Friday after work. Your standard house party and since we arrived late, we have to play catch up. Yep. We were the guys who gathered in a circle and took shots in the kitchen while surveying the eye candy.
As the sauce is hitting my new roommate, he throws an arm around my shoulder and says, "I'm gonna get you laid tonight. A little known fact about me, I'm the best wing man ever!"
I raise my eyebrow and reply, "Thanks, big guy. But I'm cool."
"No, no, no. I won't hear another word of protest. We need to get you some tail. I got this, I got this. Don't worry!"
Leroy eagerly scampers off and I turn back to the group and continue my discussion with Leo and Jack analyzing Robert DiNiro's baseball bat monologue in The Untouchables.
At some point during the intense convo., I follow Leo's eyes scanning and locking onto a girl wandering the party. "Ooooh she's a cutie." Leo breaks away from the group and starts chatting up the waif. Meanwhile, Leroy tugs on my shirt.
So@24: Oh, what's going on?
Leroy: I found your target.
So@24: Target? What the hell are you talking about?
Leroy: Your target! The girl you're going to have sex with tonight! I'm your wingman! This is gonna be awesome!
So@24: Is this where you've been this entire time??
Leroy exits. I rub my eyes, doing my best to ignore the interaction that just transpired. Maybe if I forget it happened, it never existed. Like a tree falling in the woods or some shit.
As I'm pouring myself another shot of whiskey, I see Leroy (blatantly) winking and pointing to some girl talking to a guy. I try my best to give him the subtle headshake; indicating the universal "don't do this!" signal. He must have to been too drunk to notice. Because he threw an arm around the guy (whom he's never met) and tried to persuade him to have a drink with him; thus pulling him away from said girl. It was so transparent what he was trying to accomplish, Stevie Wonder could have seen right through it.
Again, I just turn around and leave the room to rejoin the guys. Leroy taps me on the shoulder again.
Leroy: Oh man! You lost your target! I had her, I had her!
So@24: Dude, she wasn't even attractive! I appreciate the gesture, buddy, but I really don't need a wingman. I'm cool with just hanging out tonight.
Leroy: You're too picky. You totally could have had sex tonight. You blew it!
Meanwhile, the girl Leo was gaming gave him her "card". He shrugged it off because "she wasn't that interesting". I guess that's that. Or is it...
Sunday, Leo gets a text:
It was really nice meeting you. I'd love to grab a drink with you sometime if you're interested.
A girl actually took the initiative. She gave him her card AND texted him asking HIM out. I'm floored and very impressed.
Damn he's good.
* totally taken from Dave Attell. I love you Dave.