The first thing that always comes to my mind is, "why me?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that strangers are seeking my opinion on such personal matters. But if I was reading this blog, I definitely wouldn't be going to a schmuck like me for advice. He obviously failed in his last relationship, has to constantly refer to Wikipedia to remind him what "coitus" entails, and that "dates" aren't just the fruit that the monkey dies from in Raiders.
Bad dates.Today, my cousin Mimi asked if she could get my opinion on her relationship. I'm extremely close with my cousin and can talk with her about anything. But she has NEVER gone to me for advice on her relationships. Or sex for that matter.
It's a weird territory, but I did my best to be mature about it.
Mimi: I have some relationship questions. This may be weird.
So@24: For me?
Mimi: Yeah. You were in a long term relationship.
So@24: Are you sure I'm the best person for this?
Mimi: Yes, I think you are.
So@24: Alright, I'll give it my best shot.
We dived right into it; she wanted to know about my opinion about how sex seems to lose it's frequency when you've been in a relationship for awhile.
Mimi: Is it normal? It got me thinking about your discussion about Leroy doing it like bunnies because he's in a new relationship.
So@24: Shit burns down, man. It loses that intensity and "mystery" and the overall excitement of "when is the next time this is going to happen??". You two have been together for awhile now.
Mimi: But you and Lynn were long distance and I got the impression this was never an issue.
So@24: Which proves my point even more. When I'd see her on weekends... "gaaaaaaaaaaame oooooooooon". But when I was home for the summer, we'd get into domesticated couple mode and the frequency would fade to a slow, charcoal burn.
So@24: Let me ask you this... how often are you staying over at his place?
Mimi: Every night practically.
So@24: See how it works? Domesticated. You hear about this with married couples all the time.
Mimi: I guess I just wanted to see if it was normal.
So@24: I really have no frame of reference, but yes I think it is. I can only tell you that we just went by what was natural. What our routine was, I suppose.
Mimi: Just a matter of switching routines.
So@24: Exactly. Not sure if that gives you insight.
Mimi: I'm seriously retarded when it comes to relationships.
So@24: Who knows? Maybe we both are.
Okay, okay. So it's not some groundbreaking discussion that opened up some great theory that hasn't been discussed a million times before. But it's nice to know that I still can provide at least some kind of look into the mind of someone who was in a relationship for as long as I was.
Even if it wasn't a complete success.
-dusts hands-
38 comments:
yeah i guess it's normal for there to be dips in the frequency when in a long term relationship, but i think those dips shouldn't last long at all. someone needs to make attempts to shake things up... add some spice to the mix... know what i mean. i was in a 5 yr relationship and that crap happened to me... i'll never allow it to happen again. if things are slowing down way too much i'll try my best to revive it. and if after several attempts of revival it still doesn't spark something, i'll seriously reconsider the state and future of the relationship. but that's just me... i need balance
this issue drives me crazy! and you know what? it's usually the girl worrying bc of the idea that's been ingrained in our brains that men want sex ALL THE TIME.
i mean sure they do, but after awhile it's not new and exciting anymore. it's expected.
I've been having issues with this lately, too, so thanks for reiterating it so I don't feel so weird :D
I think your answer is right on target. I wonder this question every once and a while and I know the bf does too. But it's good to know that there really isn't a standard and changing things up couldn't hurt.
Can I just call you Dr. 24? (even if you're 25 now, haha) or Dr. SO? :)
Am married - it's definitely normal. One of you will occasionally tend to overthink and worry about it, usually the woman because that is what we do, and that is when one is required to meet the other at the door after work with 3-inch red heels and whipped cream. Hopefully the woman. ;-)
"bad dates." i laughed so hard at this caption & accompanying visual.
You dispensed so good honest advice, she couldn't ask for more
I could see how having had a such long term relationship would make you the advice guru for so many. Personally I kinda hate it when people ask my advice because I dont have that kinda relationship experience to pull from.
mnwhr is right; you did give mimi good advice. I like the 'Dr.' nickname. Fits.
I totally agree with the long distance thing...me and the X were the same way when I was still in college.
She should try not staying over there everynight. And the nights she does stay over...bring something fun and frisky! I like to try new stuff so it all depends on her comfort level....desert to toys.
TMI?!?!
man, is it completely obvious I'm in need?
The first time I was in a long relationship I really worried it when the frequency went down. But as long as you're secure in the relationship, I think it's perfectly normal.
I was in a relationship for about 7 years, and the sex dwindled but it was because of my feelings, not his. I could go months without sex and be happy... but I guess I shoulda clued in
Hmmm. I'll let you know once I get into a healthy sexual relationship.
*pants*
I dunno. Doesn't seem like humans are meant to be like "bunnies." It's fun, for a bit. But when the novelty wears off, you better hope there's more behind the Wizard's curtain than ... well a wiener.
Find a love. Then be their lover.
Here's the thing about sex- it's only ever going to get as good as the relationship you have. At least that's my opinion.
I think it's funny when anyone asks anyone for advice about relationships. I mean, everyones relationships are so different. And people are all so different, so who can really say. But I guess that doesn't stop us from trying.
That picture was just perfect. Although I do suppose that once one becomes "domesticated," sex is expected as a regular part of one's life, wherease in the beginning, you're under the impression that you might never sleep with or see that person ever again. I think it makes a huge difference!
You did very well. What you said was completely true.
It's a TOUGH transition. I remember not having sex one night of a long distance college visit and coming close to a meltdown (out of character). Eventually that fire's got to cool which is why they say there needs to be something behind it.
And speaking of awkward family sex talk...heart to heart with my Brother over the weekend. Hilarious but we weren't even drunk. Yikes.
Your advice was on point. And even though you and Lynn are no longer together, that doesn't mean you weren't successful at maintaining a relationship. I would say you were more successful than most. I'm not surprised she turned to you for help.
wordpress isn't emailing me my comments, but just wanted to say, definitely not 13. hahaha... that was great.
Bravo! I can always appreciate a good Indy reference.
It’s entirely normal that the variety and frequency of sex will fluctuate, as biologically speaking, hormones fluctuate.
And once two individuals have become emotionally secure with one another, they may start living together (or spending the summer together) and see their frequency of sex decline/fluctuate, albeit usually after every surface in the home has been christened with some sort of sexual interaction--yet this fluctuation can be a sign of classic nesting behavior.
Nesting is a healthy human behavior. Expectations of what should be going on sexually within a relationship are often learned through misinformed friends and the media; the filmic community sensationalizes sex and creates an unrealistic frame of reference for human sexual behavior.
For the most part, what we see in Hollywood is fantasy, wherein they avoid reference to empirically based sexual behaviors and/or facts, as frankly those facts don’t sell and are difficult to exploit.
An entirely new paradigm, reality television (Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels, Bachelor), disseminates sexualized behaviors on a "get it fast," "get it now," "get it on," and "leave your dignity at the door" level; oh, and it wouldn’t hurt if you were drunk while you carried on. So here we are, legions of conditioned individuals thinking that we should model ourselves after those we are watching; those who are getting paid to steal the show through their degrading, depraved, unrealistic and exaggerated behaviors. Sad really.
Anyway, I digress.
Suffice to say, women do not walk around in a perpetual state of lordosis and despite what we are led to believe, the majority of men do indeed have control over their own sexual instincts and behaviors; that is, they don't need to get it on every single moment of the day. I know, I know, tell that to Silda Spitzer, jenji.
So, I would definitely say that this lull in sex is not necessarily the sign of a withering relationship or something that may not be "normal,” but instead something that one may want to securely embrace as normal.
One should use their true instinct, for most of us know when fluctuating sex is merely a healthy ebb and flow, as opposed to when it may be indicative of a bigger problem within the relationship.
be well and great blog site btw,
jenji
whoa - stop beating yourself up here over the fact your relationship didn't work out. define 'success'. you get married, have a long love, die within weeks of each other and are buried in matching graves?
you know what it's like to love someone and have someone love you. i think that constitutes success. and so the relationship you had at age 17 didn't work out. big deal. another one will.
I think it really depends on the individuals in the relationship. My Ex and I did it every day or night, sometimes more than once from the beginning to the end.
it's like i say, "no matter how hot a girl is, there is some guy out there who is tired of fucking her."
may not fully relate to this post, but it does relate some.
I just wrote about this! I think you gave GREAT advice. My friend was in a long distance relationship and would always talk about how they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they were together.
Now that she moved to the same city as him, things have slowed down, but it's a much deeper attraction and relationship now that they're spending time (out of bed) together.
I'm with 360. A couple has to shake things up, let each other know those dirty deeds they really want to do, deep down inside. If she wants to bring a goat into the bed, cool, let's rock. If he wants to dress a midget up like a jockey and have him ride the donkey, great, as long as there is room in the bed. I don't know the logistics, but point being, monogamy takes work, patience, and creativity.
That Paul comment was me. I was using someone else's computer. I bet you could have guessed it was me. Who else, right? Notice I switched from goats to donkeys? Either way . . .
Even bunnies stop to eat a carrot now and again... ;)
(but then they get back at it when one of them puts on the heels and whip cream...)
As long as neither partner is dissatisfied, doesn't feel pressured and is openly communicating about it, there shouldn't be a problem.
ah dude, you must be pretty reliable for advice. me on the other hand, i've been told i suck, but i have a hunch it may be because i don't tell people what they want to hear.
For a [straight] man, you sure use the word tickle a lot.
Passion ebbs and flows. That's why I always try to be with someone who can make me laugh until I pee my pants. It's nearly as good durin the ebb part.
"Durin?" Did I just wander off the set of Deliverance? Add a "g" please. Despicable.
I agree with LS- let the bunny take a nap!!! Of course things might slow down- If you were single forever you're telling me you wouldn't have a dry spell? It's up to both of you to be aware of it and put in a little effort when that happens! Call me an idealist! :)
You're a man who is willing to blog about his feelings -- this is why you get asked advice. And I'm sure you're good at it! As for the issue, it can be normal.
I would HARDLY consider your relationship with Lynn a failure. Not at all. You guys are still friends! And you learned a lot about yourself you may have never known otherwise. What constitutes a relationship as a success or failure, anyway? Success= marriage? Failure= breaking up? If you go into every first date with THAT mentality things would become veryyy frustrating.
Just wanted to leave a comment since I've been using your blog to procrastinate all day. Good luck on your quest (esp. with all the gay guy stories you have. haha)!
I've never really had it die down. If anything, I'm more of the guy about it and demand it on a regular basis.
And then again, I brushed a guy off the other night when he wanted to cuddle and I wanted to watch the Duke game. He needed to learn his place.
People always say what I want to say, but better and first. So let me just add that the phrase "bad dates" always reminds me of that scene in the Lost Ark and there have been a few dates that have made me envy that monkey.
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