Hungover as all hell from the night before, Jack, Leo and I all went to eat at The House of Breakfast Sunday morning.
We did the usual banter, trying to piece together the events from the night, and eventually the conversation came over to me.
Jack: So what's going on with Beth? What are you doing about that?
I shoved a forkful of cheese omelet in my mouth. "I don't know what I'm going to do yet."
Silence. Then the sound of silverware scraping breakfast plates.
I took a moment to think about what I was going to do: she was actually the one who suggested we "get all our feelings out", so my visiting her in Portland wouldn't have been some sneak attack out of a cliche' romance movie. We discussed me taking a trip up there, but my gut feeling told me that getting everything out in on paper would be better than me nervously trying to remember everything I have been wanting to say for all these years.
Besides. I'm broke. And I'm not a patient man.
"Leo. I need your computer for about an hour."
"I can accommodate that."
So at approximately 11:10 PM, I cracked my knuckles, Leo closed the door and proceeded to type the biggest free write I've ever experienced (my freshman English teachers would be proud).
After about an hour and a half and seven pages later, I stretched and sighed. That's it. That's everything I've ever wanted to say starting from day one. Six years of history all in one Word document. Everything was out on the table. And let me tell you, it felt damn good and liberating. And at the end I wrote, "I think we've hit a crossroads. If we're just friends, we need to be just friends like normal people. No more of these weird signals we both keep sending. We've allowed it to go on for years and we need to figure out what we want to do now."
And honestly, the outcome could go either way and I'm satisfied. Ignorance is certainly not bliss in this case. I've been in the dark for too long now.
I bought a book of stamps this morning, licked the envelope and tossed it in the "outgoing" mail before I wussed out.
-dusts hands-
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48 comments:
YAY! I'm cheering for you. Isn't it liberating? Even if it doesn't have the most stellar result, you will be satisfied that you did something. And I agree, great in writing. I hope you don't have to wait as long for her to read it or respond as I had to wait for mine!! ;-)
Well hey that's one way to do it. Fingers crossed it works out. :)
way to go man. i do that every once in a while...i'm a bit of a 'write to really express myself' guy.
and considering my college ex wrote me a 37 page tome, i'd say you did a great job of being succinct.
ball's in her court.
thank god for free writes. i'm happy that you put everything out there. good luck on the outcome. :)
Wow. I want to do that.
dude, that was a really good idea! good luck w/all that
Holy Shit! You are so my hero right now and a total stud to boot (i did just say "to boot," unfortch not a typo). I love it. Well done and well said, I'm sure.
That is awesome. I'm so with you... just getting everything out and letting the decision happen once and for all. It's really going to be for the best, whatever happens. Unless she says she wants you guys to be together and then fucks you over. Not that I think that's going to happen. Just saying.
way. to. go!
YEAH!!
I can't wait to read about her reaction. Congrats, that takes guts. And balls. Or something.
At least you'll stop wondering and worrying...
YAY! I'm so happy for you! I think you're doing the right thing. Hopefully she jumps into your arms!
That's freakin awesome. I wish I could say that I've EVER had the balls to do something like that, but either way, at least you got it out there.
I did that once -- my first love -- wrote a 23 page note (both front & back of the paper) -- hand-written.
Took me about 6 hours over one night to get it out -- not sure what affect it had on me other than I was glad to get it out.
The ex said it was one of the best letters (if not the longest one) she ever got...
Of course we are not talking at the moment -- until I track her down again and call her (it has been about seven months this time.)
I'll eventually get to the story of her at some point on my blog -- but it is quite a tome and not in the state of mind at the moment to get through it (especially with today's shitty day in the books.)
WOW! You did it! Damn... that is so excellent!
holy crap! if i used the word "boss" as an adjective, i'd use it to describe you at this moment.
enjoy the feeling in your stomach right now. i'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out in your favor!
Genius! I love it!
Go you!!
oh wow that was brave of you. not to mention more cost-efficient than flying there.
Whoa! That's intense... good luck! Can't wait to hear what happens?!
PS: you MAILED it!? how long does the snail mail take? I'd be killing myself with anxiety if I sent anything snail mail these days?!
Totaly random comment, but speaking of L.A. breakfast places, have you been to The Griddle on Sunset and fairfax???
next to Rite Aid, across from coffee bean...
if you haven't you need to go. I'm not in L.A. right now and im desperatly craving it, so go for me.
OR on the other side of the hill AROMA on tujunga, between Moorpark and Ventura....GO THERE. amazing EVERYTHING, especially cake.
Woww, good for you!! I'm very impressed. I can't wait to see how she responds!!!
Nice work! Fingers crossed it goes the way you want it to.
wow...impressive. glad you were able to get all those thoughts that have been building up out. good luck, I hope things work out the way you want (although you said that things could go either way and you're okay with that). but yea...good job with the letter and good luck with whatever happens!
Yay! Good for you! thats what needed to be done... now its all out on the table and hopefully you will have your answer soon!
WOW...I am happy for you to get it all out.
I once did something like this through an e-mail, and I hope for you it turns out better than it did for me. I got no response at all. Nothing, nada. I took it as my "friend" was heartless, now we talk sometimes but it isn't the same.
Yours is a different situation though, I am anxious for the results!
That was to lynn not beth right? That’s great, time to move on…and get some booty…
and the crowd goes wild!!
yaaay! i'm so glad you were able to just put it all out there.
also, shout out to leo for being an awesome friend.
Speaking of Leo? Whre's he been?
That's great that you've been able to do that without wussing out. I hope it all goes great for you.
wow! I´m so excited for you!
oh-my-gawd!
may the force be with you on this one.
there better be tears, for better or worse.
i'm sending positive pink thoughts your way.
First off, how in the hell do you get 30 comments in one day?
Second, good for you. Figure this shit out before there's no more mind for her to mind-fuck.
Kudos bars to you. Hope you're happy with whatever the outcome may be.
wow, a real mail in the actual US mail?
Way to go dude. Can you hear me cheering in your corner way over here in Michigan?
Yey! Good luck. :)
btw, I'm broke as hell and I did the spontaneous plane thing. It rocked. :D
YEAH!!!!! Congratulations verbal vomit is always refresingly cathartic.
daaaaaaamn homie. impressive. <3
Ballsy. As in, your balls were pretty much in that envelope along with the letter. If she doesn't give them back to you, you probably shouldn't ask again, you know? When did ultimatums get such a bad rap anyhow?
Oh, and party? Only if you invite me via a letter.
Passionista - Liberating was the best word I could use to describe it. I'm just glad I finally did it and can go on from here.
D - 37 pages. Holy Hera. And I'm not kidding you, I ended the letter with your exact phrase. "Ball's in your court"
Ethical - Just sit down, crack a beer, and let it flow!
Cook - Who knew free writing could be a directly link to "studliness"?
B2G - Don't jinx it. Oh man, wouldn't that be a whole new can of worms?
20 Something - A little guts. Some balls. And a pinch of booze.
Ex - Whew! I'm glad I got your nod of approval on this one!
Wanker - I don't even know how you keep up with YOUR OWN tales of the fairer sex.
Shanti - Boss eh? Makes me think I should be in a striped convict suit, working on the side of a dusty southern road. Hahah!
Bondi - You HAVE to snail mail something like this. It's more personal and to actually, physically have the words in front of you make more of an impact. At least for me.
Chels - I haven't heard of either of those places, but they are definitely getting added to the list of places to go. I'm always on the look out! Any good bar suggestions?
Ashley - No response!? None what so ever? Forget that. I wouldn't even be friends with someone after you poured your heart and soul out. That's so cruel.
MsPudd - To Lynn!? Oh Hell no. You almost gave me a heart attack.
OBunn - No kidding. Leo's been MIA for quite sometime. I'll let him know his fans await his return.
Gancey - Blog early and blog often, my friend!
I'm still cracking up over your carrot comment. Can you be topped?
Tiff - Snail mail is the only way to go! It's too important! And dare I say, dramatic?
To Everyone Else - Thanks for the well wishes! We'll see what happens.
This is my first visit to your site. Found it through "Tiff's" site from 20sb. Anyhoo, my now-finace's only relationship before ours was a 5 year one with the girl he started dating when he was 17. Things are great with us, which is awesome :) I couldn't leave a comment and not talk about something "we" have in common.
But anyway, I think you've got something good going for yourself... from what entries I've read of yours so far. Hope your letter works out... traditional & original. Love it.
poodlegoose.wordpress.com
Man! you're my hero.
Since, we're getting everything out on the table- well you and Beth at least- I guess I should mention, I love Leo...wow you're right, that did feel damn good and liberating.
I love how you actually mailed a letter :-)
Stumbled on your blog :-) Can't wait to read more!
YEEEESSSSSSS! i'm so proud!
i'd give you a high five for being so brave but i think slapping the computer is a little much ;-)
oh my god, i can't wait for the outcome!!!!!!!
Good on you. Hope you guys eventually hook up.
I feel like I saw this on a sitcom once... The similar but different email I sent last week, which was relatively brief, simply got no response at all. Answered my question I guess. So I hope Beth responds in the way you want and quickly. It's always good to know where you stand, and the payoff could be worth the risk. Good luck!
you manning up is hot in my book. if only we all had the guts. regardless of the outcome, i see good things in your future.
wow, you really sent that? That takes guts!
your beth is my jaime. mixed signals. will we? won't we? friends? more than? and now i've drawn the line. point blank. she's gone.
i've just started reading your blog and its great to see a fellow male blogging on the dating/relationship scene.
keep it up buddy.
I won't comment, since I am so, so behind! LOL, "sneak attack" I thought I was the only one that says that!
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