The history of Beth and I dates back my early years of college. It's a long, dark, twisted history that's so jumbled... I'm instinctively wanting to grab a tall boy of Pabst and a shot of Jack Daniels.When stuff like this or this occurs, we never discuss it. I have a theory that almost every boy/girl with a slight romantic interest has a routine and that's ours.
The cat has ever been out of the bag; that motherfucker has stayed put for years. I'm sure if I were to open it now, a dusty kitty skeleton would fall out and crumble to pieces. Her and I are both pussies, we haven't been able to do it... no matter close we've been. Obviously, it was an enormous faux paux when I was dating Lynn. And when she was dating her boyfriend.
My best friend Rick caught wind of my recent thoughts towards Beth and directly called me out. Fucking hard core call out. We're talking the ironclad of call outs The kind of call out that only a best friend knows how to do:
Rick: So are you into Beth now or what?
So@24: I don't know. You know her and I are.
Rick: You need to cut it off. You know it's going to be a disaster.
So@24: Why?
Rick: First off, you're going to get your hopes up. And I know you. That means every single
little hope in the world. And either one of two things happen.1. You guys get together
2. You don't.
Rick: If you don't, you're crushed but remain ever optimistic that she'll come around. Which she won't. You need to let it lie, bro. It's not your Wendy Peffercorn moment.
So@24: I don't know. You haven't seen us recently. I can't describe it, but I think it's different this time around.
Rick: You think this is a mindfuck? Wait til you're in the thick of it. Don't even let your mind go there. You don't even have to read between the lines. All the subtext is laid right there for you. Look, you obviously would like this to happen, but it never will. She says, "you're perfect for me, but it will never happen."
Rick: I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't want to see you hurt. It's better to nip this in the bud. I know how you two are, I know your history.
So@24: Why would she say these kinds of things?
Rick: Who knows? Why do girls say anything? But then again, it may be true for her. It would be easy with you. She could make it happen with the snap of her fingers.
Rick: She actually tells you; you just have to look into it. you're an ideal, I love. But it will never happen. I imagine it's you, but it's not. The guy looks and acts just like you, but it's not you in her dream.
So@24: Fuck, Rick. Why is it that I'm not that guy if I am that guy?
Rick: You're ideal in the emotional sense; you're strong-minded, sweet (shut the fuck up), you're funny, you're charismatic. But she doesn't want to date you. She wants to date someone with your personality.
So@24: It doesn't make sense.
Rick: You're her buddy. You're too good of friends.
So@24: Maybe you're right.
Rick: You know I am. I don't mean to take the wind out of your sails, but it's better than crashing into the rocks when you hear The Siren call.
I thought about this long and hard the other night.
I got asked over the weekend if I was acting this way because "it's the most convenient thing/most readily available". It got me thinking; is this what happens when you find yourself single after "X" amount of time? Am I just trying onto hold onto something familiar? Something that is comforting? Or maybe it's a matter of distance: it's safe for her (or both of us) to go through the motions because distance effectively prevents it from really going anywhere?
If all these are true... how come it doesn't feel that way?
Jack: Might be best to guard you emotions on this one.
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Now playing: Simon and Garfunkel - Cecilia
41 comments:
There is something to be said for comfort, but the distance and the history makes this, obviously, not ideal. Your good friends know you, and you should consider their advice.
But in the end if you make a mistake, whatever. Do what you feel is right for you and if it's wrong, well, you'll learn something and probably say something funny about it for us to read.
it is really hard to be able to trust your friends totally, bc you want to trust your emotions and feelings, but in my experience, the friends were ALWAYS right. i know the blog world is saying go for it, and you are thinking about it, but honestly, you have to listen to the people who know you best. these are also the people who surprise you some times and know you better than you know yourself. dont cut all feelings off with beth, leave the option open, but youd be better off playing the field right now (is what it sounds like your friend is saying). have fun just dating a lot of people. then you know if you want to be with someone. dont put the blinders on. and most importantly, just have fun! :)
Listen to your friends. They know you and being on the outside of the situation they probably have a better idea of what's going on than what either you or Beth do.
It's natural to seek comfort from your friends. But the kind of relationship you and Beth share would most likely be ruined if anything actually happened.
Maybe Rick's advice is sound and you should cut things off for a while, not completely and not forever. But for a while till you figure out what's actually going on for yourself without your friends calling you up on it.give yourselves a cooling off period.
Then, if you think they're wrong you can act on it.
I think it's hard to tell what you really feel. Sometimes I get all excited about the prospect of a relationship even though it's not *really* that great...just because it's been a while since my last long one.
I guess you just have to play it by ear.
oh, and i left you a present over @ my blog... it's on the one titled hey, look what i got
Man I can't imagine how you feel right now.
Friends are always going to be there for you to give advice. Just because not to seek advice from too many people.
I did that for my break up with my girlfriend recently. I have a lot of friends and I've gotten TWO opposing answers! Some feel I should forget about her while others thought I should get back together with her. Confusion ensued.
So my advice to you is only trust your really close friends and in the end it's what YOU really feel inside to help you decide what to do.
Good luck!
Whatever happened to the all-consuming, determined, lusty-gotta-grab-it love? You should try to get that instead of quasi-friendly-maybe love. JMO.
You deserve better than somebody who isn't sure.
It IS safe to have a quasi-relationship with someone who you are already close to...and who lives a thousand miles away. Doing that, however, prevents you from fully living your life where you currently are, and also might put some more twists in this apparently already dark and twisty history you have with Beth. I've found that good friends are frequently more objective (and therefore more accurate) observers of one's romantic situation, but obviously you sometimes have to make "bad" decisions that are the right ones for you at the time.
Good luck figuring it out...my opinion (for what it's worth) is that you should cherish your friendship with Beth for what it is, but rather than date her, figure out what it is about her you like so much and find those qualities in someone who lives near you and is new to your life. i.e., have fun dating :)
You know, I've been in the EXACT same situation as this it was like deja vu reading it. It's confusing and annoying and you sway back and forth between what you think you should do. And for some people it works and for others it doesn't so I can't really help you much! In my case it didn't happen and nowadays I'm relieved because it would have been a mistake for us. But only you can answer your own dilemma I guess. Good luck though!
as a girl, i have to say that Rick's right in his analysis. sometimes, even when we say and act like we like you, it's because we like the idea of you, or that we know that we'd be comfortable with someone exactly the same as, but not you.
and that doesn't mean that you're undesirable or that she's jerking your around, it just means that you have a nice personality. it's a great [yet totally frustrating] compliment that she evidently wants to be with someone who is, more or less, you.
Rick sounds like a smart man.
That said, you might want to not go there, but you will anyway. It's human nature, so get ready for the mindfuck. Maybe it'll be a good thing so that Lynn isn't the last one anymore.
I'm not sure if I commented here before, but if I haven't, hi. :)
So...without getting into a long winded explanation, I've been there. I had a best friend who I was incredibly close with, even when we were both dating others. When his girlfriend dumped him, we became closer. To the point where it was obvious to everyone but us that we should have been dating.
Long story short, after one hell of a week together, he spent the next year and a half going back and forth on his feelings for me, telling me I was perfect for him but it wouldn't work. I never understood it though.
Your post just sort of made it click. I'd be happy to talk more about my own experience, but I think this is the sort of thing that we need to experience for ourselves rather than let other people dictate for us. Our friends tend to want us to be happy, but are cautious in saying, "Go to that person!"
Okay. I'm done writing a blog entry on your wall. Bye! :)
I kinda agree with your friends. First of all, they know you a lot better than any of us do. Secondly, they have a different perspective on the entire thing than we ever could.
Long story short, I think you should listen to your friends.
If it's time for closure, it's time to let ol' kittybones out of that bag.
Take the plunge, man. Seriously.
Your friends have a point. Running back to the familiar is the easiest when you want to have that tingly feeling like someone wants to be with you. but in a situation like this, it's sometimes just surface and nothing really deep at all.
Balls, hand, grab. You know. I mean, if you like her, just go for it. But definitely figure out if she's being wishy washy. You're not someone's beck-and-call boy.
Run.
She will crush you. I know, I've been that girl. I've also been in your sitch and it can get VERY sticky!
You need to shop around some more!!
~Irish
we all need a friend that can have a harsh IM convo like that to snap us back to reality.
it might be a comfort thing. but regardless of the reason, it comes down to risking the end of a friendship.
I agree with martini, get some balls and do what you want. Don't let one friend talk you out of something, but also don't ignore the points he made. What's the worst that can happen? Rejection? Welcome to single life in your 20's dude.
while I agree that you probably SHOULD nip this in the bud, if you're anything like your blog-persona, you probably won't let it go til, like Leo says, have closure on the whole situation.
If you're friendship with Beth is strong enough to go for it, I say do it. And if it doesn't work, you can laugh about it over captain and coke's later.
Of course Rick actually knows you so maybe he's the best judge of character. Me? I always trust the Internets ;-)
Not to mess your mind up further, but I ended up marrying my Beth.
You blog is great, btw. Can I link to you?
Unless you'd like a rendition of my "Insecure Boy" catastrophe...I would work on getting out of this situation.
You are too good of friends.
It will change everything.
And usually not for the better.
Man, I wish it did.
For your sake and mine.
1. I love the Wendy reference. Best movie ever.
2. You are definitely in a difficult situation that I don't think is as predictable as Rick is making it seem but is still difficult to act on.
3. I ended up "taking that risk" and dating my best guy friend after being friends for six years and we're still together and I don't regret a single moment of it.
I just say you have to take a risk.
You ARE waiting for my advice , aren't you?
Go have a fling with a stranger and if you STILL feel that way about Beth afterwards, then just take the chance. The chemistry you have will only wear down the friendship anyway so I think you both need to get this out of your system. If it doesn't get very serious, I think your friendship can survive such a faux pas.
Maybe, you may discover that the weirdness of it all, once it has been dealt with, only masked that there has always been more there.
AND in 5 years when you are both married to others ( likely) the spouses will not let you be friends anyway, so she will not be in your life forever...but it will stop her being the girl you will always revert back to, in lonely times, wondering what if........
Oh my god, 24, I'm the Irish, slightly older (and I' mean very slightly), female version of you.
It's the hardest thing in the world to want more and not really know if you should go after it.
Good luck, no matter what happens.
Friends are pretty much always right, even though it's hard to admit. I trust my friends' judgement more than I trust my own.
Girls are crazy anyway
Wow. You make my brain hurt. But this is the best place to air it out.
I found you through jerseyjov - a hot sophomore chick who has been reading my slutty smutty blog.
You're interesting, I'll be back.
And bonus points for your Wendy Peffercorn reference. It made me think of the two best lines from that movie:
1. you're killing me smalls!
2. For-ev-ver
I love that movie!
Rick is a wise, wise man. It's hard to make the transition from "friend" to "more than" for some people, and if this is something that's been simmering under the surface of your relationship with her for a while...I don't know, dude. If it worked out, that would be wonderful, but I guess you have to look at what you'd stand to lose if it didn't. Regardless, it's probably a conversation you need to have with Beth at some point, because the longer it goes on, the more hurt you're going to be if it doesn't work out.
A fresh start is what you really need, I think. It sounds like you're pretty emotionally invested in this thing with Beth already, so you either need to confront it head-on, or make the conscious decision to try a different direction. *nods*
(This is Kathleen, btw. I finally caved and got a Blogger account.)
Shit! I'm Beth and you at the same time. I've told my friend that I wouldn't mind marrying him but I can't seem to want to date him. Then there's this guy, we're friends and make-out buddies but I want so much more. Ugh!
Love you be you. Hate to be you.
I can't get over how god damned (pardon the blesphemy!) open you are about your feelings man! and to the whole world even.
And cute how you ignore my questions about me seeing you when I finally get my ass to LA in June =^.^=
Might be an amusing mindfuck to let the Beth situation continue. Unless your so totally, completely, undeniably, inexplicably sure that it wouldn't affect what you have with her now if you proposed .. well a more than cuddle bunny deal.
Don't be 65 and think.. "what if I.."
It never feels that way, but I would say yes to all those questions. You both have known each other and have had relationship behavior so of course its comfortable. Now that I hear more about you and Beth, it is a little clearer. Why haven't you hooked up before this? Distance is an easy excuse but is it the real reason? Don't ruin a friendship for only a possibility of success.
So, you're a hopeless romantic. My kind of guy.
You got me with this post...where were you when I was in LA?! ;)
Got here through Sid...and sure to be back!
I can so relate with you...I've been in Beth and YOU in my life...and best thing of it all, I took the risk...I had been burnt...hurt...but couldn't be happier!
I just asked myself one question when something like this happened to me years back...what am i willing to do/lose/have for it...if having "it" is worth risking losing it...then there you have your answer!
Sending rum and coke and some happy thoughts!
Yes, the key is to date date date LOTS of people, not just the friend you recently/accidentally/kindofonpurpose hooked up with. This, I know from experience, man. Oh do I know it. We are too good friends for it to work--I know I'd probably kill him for being super conservative, for always working late at night, for flirting like crazy, etc etc.
Hence why I am dating any single, semi-intelligent, not-too-unattractive dude I can get my hot little hands on right now. Diversionary measures, dude. It's kind of been like breaking up with him without even going out. But I KNOW I've got to do it or I'd just sit around and pine for him despite knowing it wouldn't work...
Don't go for comfort!
I talked myself into thinking my ex (we were together 3 years) should give it another go. A year of 'another go' later and we were breaking up again (for the same reasons we broke up the first time).
The important things to think about when you're toying with getting back together are the reasons you broke up the first time... has anything really changed?
My gut instinct, as a girl, is that she's using our version of "I'm just not that into you"- I know I have.
Maybe I'm being cynical, but if it never crossed a line while spending tons of time together, or while sleeping in the same bed, maybe there's a reason.
But hey, all I know are the words I read and you've got to live your life as you see fit. Here's to hoping I'm wrong.
I was in this situation last summer. My best guy friend from college and I have always wavered back and forth with having feelings for each other. Him more than me. Finally, I decided that I wanted something to happen, and then he wasn't on the same page anymore. It's complicated when you feel super close to a member of the opposite sex. I mean, the only thing missing in the relationship is sex, right? Cause the fun, laughter, comfort, everything else is there...
My friends wondered the same thing--did I latch on to him as the perfect match for me because it'd been so long since I had "real" feelings, so I was lonely, confused, etc.?! I don't know. I do feel like we could have been great together. And it sounds like you and Beth could be great together.
So, that being said. Here's the best advice that people gave me and I took: life's too short. If you love someone, tell them.
I did. It didn't work out how I wanted it to, but I took a chance and won't regret it. And, if you have a strong friendship, it won't matter that you spilled the beans, the beans being your feelings. You'll still be friends--we are.
Good luck!
Dang man I ask my self the same question. Why am I not the guy? I'm always told I'm everything they want in another man in a round about way... If I go to school to get my PhD. my thesis will be about the "dog gene" the gene that some men are born with, to have no good qualities at all, but yet they get all the women. Shoot they may have great qualities but like being players and dogs. Then there's me and maybe a percentage of other guys who have the propensity be dogs/players, but honestly they weren't born with the "dog gene" and are just good guys. Or maybe I'm delusional and I just not be as attractive as I think I am. (This is going on my blog as a post lol)
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